To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

The point is that the children should be asked what they would like to do.

Would you have like to boarded at age 7?

I think a very small minority are boarding young nowadays. We know so much more about child psychology now, that most parents accept that young children need their home lives.

i assume that people who send their kids boarding think it is for the best, they seem to put great value on independence. There are some in my extended family like this, they have cordial but ultimately distant relations with their adult children that went to boarding school now. I will be keeping my children close, I think situations where a child is without a parent figure for a few days a week leaves them vulnerable to abuse. I also think that it’s not good for children to be too independent, we are not islands, we are all interdependent on each other and that is a good thing.

Around 0.7% of children board. The majority of those are at secondary level. A tiny percentage board from 7, and the majority of those do it on a flexi basis. A minuscule amount of children board full time from 7. A lot of those are perfectly happy. I know children who’ve boarded a couple of nights a week who have loved it; they really do see it as a sleepover. You will be able to find miserable children in any area of education. There are plenty of children who have attended non boarding schools who will tell you they had a miserable time which has affected their mental health.

I just don’t understand the judgement against other parents. Everyone makes different decisions for their children.

its not just the children of wealthy parents who go to boarding school, but don't let that get in the way of your prejudice.

Children do board full-time from around 7-8.

Did you watch the documentary "Britain's youngest boarders".
The kids in that all started boarding at 8.

Most of them hated it.

I remember one girl was hysterically crying every single day, and wanting to go home. The mum was told about this.

Then they filmed her mum and her mum said "my heart says that I should take her out. My head tells me that it will be better for her to leave her there long term".

She was of a belief, like a lot of those parents, that it would make her child stronger in the long term

Why is it so difficult to understand that there is not one right way to raise a child? Even full boarders usually see their parents every 3-4 weeks on exeat and the holidays are v long. No it won't suit everyone and I would hope that these days, parents would respond if their child was unhappy (and boarding staff are pretty good at picking up on what is happening) but for many it's a fantastic experience and I know plenty of adults, parents themselves now, who loved it and have a great relationship with their parents and their own children, some of whom board and some don't. Where I work we also have kids whose boarding place is paid for by a charity or LA as the absolute best, most stable places for them. They are usually a mess when they come back from holidays at home.
Threads full of anecdata in both directions don't prove anything at all. The only truth is that it is great for some kids and parents and not others.

Boarding schools have changed somewhat in the last 50 years. Many of the examples given of bad experiences at boarding school happened decades ago. Boarding schools have changed hugely over recent years. For example, there are very few full boarding schools left. The vast majority now offer flexi options. Those which are still full boarding schools are very different from a generation ago.

@2boyzNosleep I was a SAHP. We talked to our girls about what they wanted. You are wrong about homes being safe. Most abuse occurs in the home. It’s not at school. My DDs were very safe at school. They were of course safe at home.

A short boarding school year probably meant slightly more nights at school but for DD2 with more weekends at home, probably not. Both my DDs considered they had two homes.

Many parents don’t necessarily want to spend all their time with dc. Dc don’t need that either. You don’t have to enjoy dc all the time. You don’t own them in that way. Parents facilitate what dc need to grow and develop as young people. It doesn’t have to be 100% down to them. Boarding ensures dc get along with others, are not the centre of the universe, are resilient, resourceful and definitely confident and independent. I’m happy my DDs were offered this and I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m the best at parenting!

They are just ticking a box I suppose.

I don't know that many people who've gone to boarding school but they have all hated it.
My cousin especially never really forgave her parents for sending her which is incredibly sad.
She went at 8. Her parents working in various places abroad (can't remember where they were at that time) and the children could only live there until they were 8.
I think my uncle worked for government and they paid for boarding school
But yeah she's in her 50s and still not really over it
It's never been in my plan to send my children to boarding school doubt we could afford it anyway but I'd hate for my kids to grow up thinking I didn't really want them.

Exactly this.

Very few children board from 7, or even 11. Those that do are often not full boarders, often doing just a couple of nights a week, so it’s more like a sleepover with friends. Boarding schools have changed hugely over recent years.

Plenty of parents put their babies into nursery, from 8am-6pm, to be looked after with groups of other babies by total strangers. They get dropped off for breakfast, picked up after supper, and taken home. Their parents may only get an hour or so at home before it’s time for bed. They have their naps as a group at nursery.

Lots of parents let their children roam the streets, not knowing what they’re up to, or are happy for their teens to spend nearly all their time in their room, eating and gaming or being on social media chatting to strangers.

Despite many parents who do these things, it seems to be that parents who choose to use boarding school are fair game for criticism on Mumsnet. Children spending their formative years being looked after as a group of others by strangers, or being let loose on social media is arguably far more damaging to a child that then spending a few nights a week with structure, discipline and enjoying their time with friends. There has been a huge rise in mental health issues over recent years. Why is that? It’s certainly not because of a tiny percentage of children who board.

Boarding school is not for everyone. Mine don’t want to, but have many friends who happily board. Everyone makes different parenting choices based on what’s right for their family. I’d certainly say that spending a few nights a week at school is far less damaging than lots of other parenting choices I see.

@NeedToChangeName They might just be reserved people. My DMs family were dreadful at expressing what they felt or have an opinion on anything. They didn’t board but had an overbearing father. My boarding dc are very good at expressing feelings. Modern schools don’t shape dc to be something they are not. They open up possibilities but I have never seen personalities change.

I can understand why. That does not mean I think it is a good choice.

Look at all the threads on mumsnet alone!

There are so many threads saying "I'm pregnant. It was an accident. It was my planned" etc.

If youre in a relationship with a man, he often wants regular sex.

Birth control is not one hundred percent effective.

So of course a lot of women end up pregnant accidentally.

I have older relatives who attended boarding school. Some enjoyed it more than others. None of them are good at expressing feelings / difficult emotions. I don't know whether that's due to their age / personality / boarding school teaching them to be independent from a young age and not rely on people

"Many", "a lot", what's the statistics for that? Utter bollocks.

Can you please elaborate why a wealthy family with a SAHP (usually these mother) would decide that boarding would be a safe parenting choice as opposed to living in the family home?

If you have a SAHP why is full-time boarding considered and thought to be the best option?

The majority of people enjoy spending time with their children and it seems odd to make the choice to miss out on their childhood, just so they can attend an exclusive school miles away , when a closer private school would probably be the same or better.

Many people don't choose to have their children though?

A lot of pregnancies happen accidentally.
Men demand sex a lot.

And many women find out about the pregnancy too far along to get it aborted. Or feel they can't put themselves through a late stage surgical abortion.

Oh and @IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta , the boys I’ve known typically take a year or so off when their voices break, then join other choirs once settled. And then successfully audition for very prestigious choirs in adulthood. Choirmasters know that a former cathedral chorister is exceptionally well trained - tenors and basses are particularly in demand.

I agree, what's the point in having children at all just to do that? I had children so I could bring them up and look after them, spend time with them etc, I don't understand why people would ship them off ASAP.

The musical education is intense, in a good way, and it does often translate to a career in music of some sort. Or if not, a fantastic lifelong hobby. They typically receive free instrument tuition as well. To be amongst peers who have that same passion, that understand why you’d prefer to play the piano for a bit rather than kick a football around, is invaluable.

For the right child, it’s…well…right.

It really does work both ways though. In a normal (caring, non-abusive) context, it's not as though children are naturally desperate to leave their parents and their familiar home set-up from a young age - even when they rebel and shout "Mum, I hate you!", they know they are doing it from a place of confidence and security.

Often, children don't fully appreciate what they have until it's gone.

As for all of those who insist that their children are very happy boarding, how can we know that when they don't know any different? You could just as well say that young children in Asia who are sent off to work in factories or scraping smelly, dirty, toxic rubbish dumps to find traces of valuable materials are also 'happy' - because they have never had any concept of what a carefree, fun childhood without adult responsibilities actually can be like.

same 😂

I think that boarding for primary age children has fallen massively in favour and only a tiny number of children board pre 11. Even the royal children are still at day school at this point. I can certainly see the appeal of 1-2 nights sleepover at school for children in year 5 and 6 if they want to go.

At secondary I am more open to it. I can’t imagine sending mine fully boarding but occasional boarding 1-3 nights a week or even weekly from say, year 10 makes sense if the child wants to and certainly for 6th form I think it’s a great option, again if the child wants to

One of mine was a day student in a boarding school. They had no interest in boarding despite being offered it, so they didn’t