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Original poster

To think dp should stop paying child support....

259 replies

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:17

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 22/04/2025 21:59

Is it working out cheaper for him to keep paying a nominal amount to his ex than to pay three individual amounts- eldest, second and mom?

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:59

Ellie56 · 22/04/2025 21:51

"Not usually, but beaten down with "you must be a good dad and support your children"

But none of them are children. The eldest is a fully fledged adult and works full time. They should be paying the Ex for their keep not your DP. DP should pay the university student directly until they graduate. DP should continue paying Ex until the A level student finishes school and then if DC3 goes to college/university pay them directly until they graduate.

At the moment Ex is laughing all the way to the bank. Does she work?

Does she work: not much. This is obviously a factor as she is not very financially independent. And I do NOT put down the importance of being a mum or a stay at home mum and that this is a job more important than paid work, I respect and am in awe of good SAHMs. But she also could just possibly try and pay her way a bit more by this point.

OP posts:
SharpOpalNewt · 22/04/2025 21:58

NImumconfused · 22/04/2025 21:55

Yes but it sounds like he's paying his ex-wife maintenance for the one at uni, but she's not providing that child with any financial support, they're having to work to cover the bills. Surely the maintenance money should be going to the student?

Show quote history

Well yes, that would seem to make sense.

bringonyourwreckingball · 22/04/2025 21:57

I very much hoped my high earning ex would support his daughters through Uni (but direct to them, not to me) - hasn’t happened because he’s an arse but I definitely would not expect him to be supporting them beyond that let alone giving the money directly to me.

NImumconfused · 22/04/2025 21:55

SharpOpalNewt · 22/04/2025 21:49

I agree stopping paying once they are out of full time education, but should the mother only pay to send them to university? It's not cheap!

Yes but it sounds like he's paying his ex-wife maintenance for the one at uni, but she's not providing that child with any financial support, they're having to work to cover the bills. Surely the maintenance money should be going to the student?

Whynotaxthisyear · 22/04/2025 21:54

He needs to start paying the middle child directly and his youngest to when uni starts. Their mum can contribute less herself

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 22/04/2025 21:54

I always thought child support generally stopped at age 18 (thats the CMS age) or possibly at 19 if still in full time education inline with Child Benefit stopping.

At 22 and also working full time he definitely should not be paying for his eldest thats for sure. If his ex needs the money she should be charging the eldest a contribution towards their living expenses. At 19 and working part time I’d also say he should be pretty much done with paying for the middle child also who could also be paying a small nominal fee towards their living costs, however if they live away from home whilst at uni and he wanted to help support them with those costs that could be done directly as they aren’t costing the ex anything in living expenses if they aren’t at home.

LegendIsMyFavouriteGladiator · 22/04/2025 21:53

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:44

I think he just sees paying for his children as an important part of being a dad, and has allowed himself to be backed into a situation he can't mentally or emotionally see a different way. At some point he decided he should support his children through uni - I definitely agree with him on this - but at what point the support stops keeps getting delayed. And he never did what I assumed he would do - sub his kids a little monthly allowance while they were studying to keep them doing. Now, his EXW has got used to depending on this money to keep a roof over their/ her heads. She is physically and mentally well, but has never worked all that much.

It's not child maintenance. All the 'children' are adults.

It's spousal support. Whether he calls it that or not. I suspect he knows he's being mugged off by the ex wife to subsidise her lifestyle but can't own up to it.

If your finances are separate to his then you can't really have a say over whether he continues to pay her or not. It doesn't impact you other than it puts him in a different wealth bracket to you and means you have to limit yourself to match him.

If you reframe your issue - what you're really bothered about is that he's 'poorer' than you and you find it constraining on your well-deserved leisure time at this stage in your lives.

There's no judgement in that by the way. I'd be pissed off too if I had to keep my life 'smaller' than I wanted because my partner was financially hobbling themselves unnecessarily. The question is: what are you prepared to live with?

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:52

SharpOpalNewt · 22/04/2025 21:49

I agree stopping paying once they are out of full time education, but should the mother only pay to send them to university? It's not cheap!

No I fully agree, it's not cheap. Hence I have been in agreement he supports in whatever way he feels appropriate while they are at uni. Id have leaned toward paying the DC directly, he has preferred to pay the EXW, that's up to him. It's the continuing to provide full "child" maintenance for a full time working 22 year old is what I'm questioning.

But, there are nuances and it's good to hear lots of views :)

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 21:51

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:22

Good question. Apparently the Exw needs it somehow

Show quote history

Well then surely it's not child support but ex wife support?

I don't get why he's paying for the eldest, who isn't even in education anymore.

Ellie56 · 22/04/2025 21:51

"Not usually, but beaten down with "you must be a good dad and support your children"

But none of them are children. The eldest is a fully fledged adult and works full time. They should be paying the Ex for their keep not your DP. DP should pay the university student directly until they graduate. DP should continue paying Ex until the A level student finishes school and then if DC3 goes to college/university pay them directly until they graduate.

At the moment Ex is laughing all the way to the bank. Does she work?

CopperWhite · 22/04/2025 21:51

Is the other parent still having to provide a hole for these children? If they still have any type of financial dependence on their mother then they should have it with their father too.

Why does RP have the expectation that she will provide a home and pay the bills until all children have full time jobs and enough to behind them to be independent but a NRP has no responsibility beyond an 18th birthday?

AliBaliBee1234 · 22/04/2025 21:51

SoNotMyMonkeys · 22/04/2025 21:44

I think a previous poster has made a good point about supporting boomerang kids. The eldest is working… but is the eldest earning good money or minimum wage? Do they live in a cheap town or somewhere like London?

Basically, if DP was still with his ex, would they both have agreed it was reasonable for the eldest to move back in and subsidise them? If so, it’s fair for DP to contribute to household expenses, especially if the eldest is saving furiously to move out and be independent.

If the eldest is a spoilt brat earning good money, then there’s no reason to pay towards their upkeep anymore, and it’s down to DP’s ex to have a real conversation about paying their own way in life or moving out.

I do think there is nuance here.

No, the 22 year old is working full time and the OP's partner is leaving himself short paying maintenance.

He can and should support himself.

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:49

BoredZelda · 22/04/2025 21:42

It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, your husband wants to keep doing it. If he is happy to do it, that’s his choice. You don’t appear to have joint finances so you aren’t paying for it.

If you want him to do more things with you and for him to pay for them, that’s a different discussion to have with him.

That's the discussion we have had, but the one is somewhat dependent on the other as id have to pay his way. Eg he can't afford to go on holiday whatsoever this year, not once. He is leaving himself short.

OP posts:
AliBaliBee1234 · 22/04/2025 21:49

Maintenance money to his ex for a 22 year old who works full time!? That's ridiculous and he should stop it asap. Is he not keen to ?

SharpOpalNewt · 22/04/2025 21:49

I agree stopping paying once they are out of full time education, but should the mother only pay to send them to university? It's not cheap!

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:47

ElfDragon · 22/04/2025 21:41

What was agreed between them when they split?

my exH pays more than the CMS amount, and per agreement (which was amicably agreed between us) will continue to do so past standard cut off points. There are various reasons for this, and our agreement includes spousal support.

our eldest is already 21, middle child is 19 and at university, youngest still at secondary school (GCSEs). The maintenance amount hasn’t changed, and won’t until he stops paying completely.

We can’t say on here whether the agreement your DH has is unreasonable - that’s between him and his ex wife, and now you. What your arrangement with your exH is/was has no bearing on what your DH now does with regard to his children.

My arrangements with my ex are not relevant, agreed. I have not mentioned this at all for that reason. His agreement did not include spousal support, it was until 18. Children do need more support than that, and I haven't had any concerns about it being for longer, until I can see a lack of any exit strategy.

OP posts:
FlowerUser · 22/04/2025 21:47

My DH stopped paying for his DD the day she graduated. Mind you, she's now moved in with us, but he's paying less than he was when she lived with her DM.

Cnidarian · 22/04/2025 21:46

Paying for children is an important part of being a Dad. He is however paying for his ex wife.

Zanatdy · 22/04/2025 21:45

Well the DW will still have expenses post 18, but when the adult child is working full time, they should be paying keep to cover this, not maintenance.

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:44

I think he just sees paying for his children as an important part of being a dad, and has allowed himself to be backed into a situation he can't mentally or emotionally see a different way. At some point he decided he should support his children through uni - I definitely agree with him on this - but at what point the support stops keeps getting delayed. And he never did what I assumed he would do - sub his kids a little monthly allowance while they were studying to keep them doing. Now, his EXW has got used to depending on this money to keep a roof over their/ her heads. She is physically and mentally well, but has never worked all that much.

OP posts:
SoNotMyMonkeys · 22/04/2025 21:44

I think a previous poster has made a good point about supporting boomerang kids. The eldest is working… but is the eldest earning good money or minimum wage? Do they live in a cheap town or somewhere like London?

Basically, if DP was still with his ex, would they both have agreed it was reasonable for the eldest to move back in and subsidise them? If so, it’s fair for DP to contribute to household expenses, especially if the eldest is saving furiously to move out and be independent.

If the eldest is a spoilt brat earning good money, then there’s no reason to pay towards their upkeep anymore, and it’s down to DP’s ex to have a real conversation about paying their own way in life or moving out.

I do think there is nuance here.

BoredZelda · 22/04/2025 21:42

It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, your husband wants to keep doing it. If he is happy to do it, that’s his choice. You don’t appear to have joint finances so you aren’t paying for it.

If you want him to do more things with you and for him to pay for them, that’s a different discussion to have with him.

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 22/04/2025 21:41

More likely he fears The Wrath from their dm.

ElfDragon · 22/04/2025 21:41

What was agreed between them when they split?

my exH pays more than the CMS amount, and per agreement (which was amicably agreed between us) will continue to do so past standard cut off points. There are various reasons for this, and our agreement includes spousal support.

our eldest is already 21, middle child is 19 and at university, youngest still at secondary school (GCSEs). The maintenance amount hasn’t changed, and won’t until he stops paying completely.

We can’t say on here whether the agreement your DH has is unreasonable - that’s between him and his ex wife, and now you. What your arrangement with your exH is/was has no bearing on what your DH now does with regard to his children.