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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think dp should stop paying child support....

259 replies

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:17

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 22/04/2025 22:33

No money for the eldest. At that point it’s between them and his mum given they are working and living at home, should be nothing to do with your DH.

Money for second child at uni should be going directly to the child. Maybe a small payment to their mum to cover what could be considered as half their ‘board’ during uni hols (so in uni hols, the payment goes to the mum not the child if that makes sense?).

Maintenance paid for the third as they are still at school.

SnowFrogJelly · 22/04/2025 22:32

YANBU he shouldn’t be paying for any of them after A levels

NImumconfused · 22/04/2025 22:32

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:07

That's something that I wonder. I've stayed out of it. The eldest took a full student loan and worked all through uni (weekends and holidays) and I don't think saw any financial support. Not my business exactly, but it would be weird not to hold some opinion on this

Show quote history

I would have assumed in those circumstances the right thing to do was to stop paying maintenance to his ex when each child started uni, and redirect the money to direct student support. It's really unreasonable of his ex to take the money from your DP and then refuse to provide any support to the student DC. The loan system assumes that parents top up the loans offered, DP can't afford to do that if he's already handing the money over to the ex.

TheTwenties · 22/04/2025 22:27

So what has/will happen with funding for uni. If DM is a low earner and maintenance loan was based on her income then have they had maximum or close to it maintenance loans? If that is the case the winner is ex if she hasn’t been passing on as a parental contribution. The DC all end up with much higher loans than had parents been together with assessments made on joint income but DP is probably still funding via ‘maintenance’ a similar amount to the expected parental contribution between min and max loans. The DC are potentially worse off unless DP has also covered uni living costs on top of maintenance.

RentalWoesNotFun · 22/04/2025 22:21

This sounds like my ex. Very generous but to the wrong person.

He was enabling his ex wife to sit on her arse meanwhile everyone else including us worked and struggled.

It’s not right. It was his guilt at leaving her which caused him to overcompensate. And the exit plan goalpost kept getting moved to next year then next year…..

I gave up and left. We never stood a chance when his financial loyalty lay with her. I wouldn’t have been so pissed had the money being going to the child but it wasn’t.

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:20

Hankunamatata · 22/04/2025 22:13

I think it's reasonable for him to cut his payments by a third as he doesn't need to pay maintenance for a child who it working.
Perhaps he could give 6 month waiting then taper off over another 6 months.

That sounds totally reasonable and I'm going to float it as an idea

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:19

Dweetfidilove · 22/04/2025 22:09

Odd arrangement then.

Is he afraid of confrontation? And is she the kind of person who never saw the end of CM payments coming?

I'd be interested to know why he continues paying for the eldest when it limits what he can do.

Show quote history

ExW definitely didn't have a plan for maintenance ending. And still doesn't. There's a whole long set of side stories that would make that obvious, but effectively, she does ad hoc work, cash in hand, doesn't claim benefits but also doesn't pay NI or anything. When COVID hit she was in trouble as entitled to nothing from anywhere and lives off the radar. This adds to my concern over lack of an exit plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:15

Cyclebabble · 22/04/2025 22:09

So from 18 when at college I would be supporting directly. This is what would happen if their father was still at home. I did provide some support when the kids started work (I know not everyone can do this), but I did provide funding to allow them to adjust in the first year and provided deposits/guaranteed rents. After the year though I eased up. They did squeal a bit TBH- paying their own phone bill is apparently repressive. However, I know parents who are still paying phone and dental bills when their kids are in their 30s and they have kids of their own, so you need a clear but generous exit plan OP.

Ah yes, my kids briefly found it hard to fathom the monthly phone bill! Thank you for your perspective

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 22/04/2025 22:13

I think it's reasonable for him to cut his payments by a third as he doesn't need to pay maintenance for a child who it working.
Perhaps he could give 6 month waiting then taper off over another 6 months.

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:13

PullTheBricksDown · 22/04/2025 22:08

Are his eldest or the ex going on holiday? If so then that's one way to point out how far out of whack this is.

Agree that as a working legal adult the eldest shouldn't need support - or at least, his dad should know why and what for, eg to help pay off a car loan or similar.

Show quote history

Ex- not much
Eldest - loads of end of uni partying and three trips booked this year to party destinations. I don't want to begrudge a 22 year old that who has worked hard though. Id just like a week somewhere with a beach at my advanced age (51!!). Might go by myself or do a girls trip but would be nice as a couple or family

OP posts:
Dutchhouse14 · 22/04/2025 22:12

Well it's his DC so his business what he does.
Depending on how much eldest is earning he may still want to help out, but that should probably be direct with oldest DC and not via his ex.
Realistically his ex will still be housing the oldest, paying utilities, buying food etc.
Is eldest DC paying any housekeeping?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 22/04/2025 22:12

2024onwardsandup · 22/04/2025 21:26

Does the eldest still live at home?

if not then clearly he shouldn’t be paying. If he is I think it’s a bit less clear - lots of young people now stay at home for longer because they can’t afford to move out. So if it wiuld mean that his ex was basically left paying for the eldest alone that’s not fair. So I think there is more nuance to the situation potentially

l don’t think it’s relevant whether the eldest lives at home or not. They are working full time and should be paying their own way.

TropicofCapricorn · 22/04/2025 22:11

Caravaggiouch · 22/04/2025 21:25

I think he should be continuing to pay up to the age that he would still be supporting them were he and their mother still together. So in this situation, he should stop paying for eldest as they’re now working full time, but be paying towards 2 and 3 because they’re at university and school.

I dunno, you read on MN all the time about adult offspring working full time and the parents never charging them anything "for living in their own home"

hellofromtheotherside25 · 22/04/2025 22:09

Stop paying for eldest right away. And pay middle and youngest directly. His Ex is taking the P by letting him continue to pay for all 3.

Cyclebabble · 22/04/2025 22:09

So from 18 when at college I would be supporting directly. This is what would happen if their father was still at home. I did provide some support when the kids started work (I know not everyone can do this), but I did provide funding to allow them to adjust in the first year and provided deposits/guaranteed rents. After the year though I eased up. They did squeal a bit TBH- paying their own phone bill is apparently repressive. However, I know parents who are still paying phone and dental bills when their kids are in their 30s and they have kids of their own, so you need a clear but generous exit plan OP.

Dweetfidilove · 22/04/2025 22:09

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:03

No. Definitely not cheaper

Show quote history

Odd arrangement then.

Is he afraid of confrontation? And is she the kind of person who never saw the end of CM payments coming?

I'd be interested to know why he continues paying for the eldest when it limits what he can do.

PullTheBricksDown · 22/04/2025 22:08

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:49

That's the discussion we have had, but the one is somewhat dependent on the other as id have to pay his way. Eg he can't afford to go on holiday whatsoever this year, not once. He is leaving himself short.

Show quote history

Are his eldest or the ex going on holiday? If so then that's one way to point out how far out of whack this is.

Agree that as a working legal adult the eldest shouldn't need support - or at least, his dad should know why and what for, eg to help pay off a car loan or similar.

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:08

MsAnnFrope · 22/04/2025 22:06

DH agreed with his ex to pay until DSC leave full time education or til they are 21. But realistically we will continue to support DSC and our joint DD on to university and beyond. Difference is the money will go to the DC not their mum.

This sounds reasonable and fair and kind to me

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:07

NImumconfused · 22/04/2025 21:55

Yes but it sounds like he's paying his ex-wife maintenance for the one at uni, but she's not providing that child with any financial support, they're having to work to cover the bills. Surely the maintenance money should be going to the student?

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That's something that I wonder. I've stayed out of it. The eldest took a full student loan and worked all through uni (weekends and holidays) and I don't think saw any financial support. Not my business exactly, but it would be weird not to hold some opinion on this

OP posts:
MsAnnFrope · 22/04/2025 22:06

DH agreed with his ex to pay until DSC leave full time education or til they are 21. But realistically we will continue to support DSC and our joint DD on to university and beyond. Difference is the money will go to the DC not their mum.

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:04

toomuchfaff · 22/04/2025 21:59

we maintain separate finances

Then he is free to spend his money on whatever he wants...

Does get challenge you spending money on your kids?

Leave him to spend his money how he wants.

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No. I earn very well. It impacts on what we can do together is all.

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:03

Dweetfidilove · 22/04/2025 21:59

Is it working out cheaper for him to keep paying a nominal amount to his ex than to pay three individual amounts- eldest, second and mom?

No. Definitely not cheaper

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:02

LegendIsMyFavouriteGladiator · 22/04/2025 21:53

It's not child maintenance. All the 'children' are adults.

It's spousal support. Whether he calls it that or not. I suspect he knows he's being mugged off by the ex wife to subsidise her lifestyle but can't own up to it.

If your finances are separate to his then you can't really have a say over whether he continues to pay her or not. It doesn't impact you other than it puts him in a different wealth bracket to you and means you have to limit yourself to match him.

If you reframe your issue - what you're really bothered about is that he's 'poorer' than you and you find it constraining on your well-deserved leisure time at this stage in your lives.

There's no judgement in that by the way. I'd be pissed off too if I had to keep my life 'smaller' than I wanted because my partner was financially hobbling themselves unnecessarily. The question is: what are you prepared to live with?

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This is the crux of it, thank you for your answer.

We've been through lots together, he is a great man and we have a wonderful and fun time together. We have not got married because it is better in this scenario to keep finances separate. But I might suggest something and he hangs back and it's due to money being tighter than it should be. I need to think what I am ok with.

OP posts:
carly2803 · 22/04/2025 22:00

that needs knocking on the head - one months notice and it stops

he is a pushover and absolutely rediculous to keep paying any frankly

possibly for the youngest but any over 19 he isnt obligated to pay! If he did - should go direct to the kids - not the X!! he is mad

toomuchfaff · 22/04/2025 21:59

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:22

Good question. Apparently the Exw needs it somehow

Show quote history

we maintain separate finances

Then he is free to spend his money on whatever he wants...

Does get challenge you spending money on your kids?

Leave him to spend his money how he wants.