To think dp should stop paying child support....

What he pays for his children is none of your business.

I agree with @HoppingPavlova.

I'm a single parent, not had CM from exH (would barely be worth claiming) and I have made the same financial sacrifices to give my dc the best uni experience and soft landing into adulthood. Legally I can evict the dc and downsize to somewhere smaller & cheaper to run but I want them to have a home / bedroom to come back to in uni holidays / after graduating - and I like that they want to come back. I am not planning on funding them into their 30's but a bit of a buffer period is fine with me even though it means me going without holidays and other extras at times to keep the big family home. Its my choice how I spend my money and I like to spend it on my dc. It seems he has made the same choice.

The CM is based on his earnings not ex's outgoings so we don't know if ex has money spare or if it just covers the extra bills for a 4 bed v 2 bed. My dc got full uni loans but that barely covers rent and I still had to give them extra to live on. I doubt very much the ex has been making a profit while the dc are at uni. Few parents notice some huge financial saving in the uni years. A 4 bed house still costs a lot to run.

Is he giving his ex more in CM than it would cost him to fund a house with 3 extra bedrooms? if not then all he is doing is what I have done - making sure dc have a bedroom as long as they need one. It does sound like he is compensating for the ex being useless with money, but if she is a good mum otherwise perhaps he sees that as fair exchange. If he had been the resident parent he would have had to pay top up fees and fund the bigger house with extra bedrooms which I'd guess is far more than the CMS rate. its rare CMS comes close to the actual costs of raising a child. He can always have the dc move in with him.

I would go on holiday without him. If he wants to spend his money on his dc beyond the age he legally has to instead of on holidays then that's his choice. Perhaps he doesnt want his dc to know he cant afford it. Perhaps he is worried his dc would feel the need to financially support the ex themselves if he stopped.

I actually feel sorry for the eldest that they weren’t receiving funds at uni from their dad … I think your DP made a mistake there.

He should write an email to all four of them saying in 6 months he will split the CM in thirds … mum will get 1/3 for youngest and eldest two will get a 1/3 each.

Then tell the one working he will give him money for 6 months after that to get set up on his feet and then only help in emergencies etc etc

For you - I think he does need to have a set date on when he can start having disposable income a bit more so you can start living your oldish age together… he can’t keep paying for his ex forever

Do not be tempted to pay for him so he supports his wife.
Will this ever end?
Sounds like it won't.
Are you really happy to have your future and retirement dictated to by his finances with his ex?
Perhaps you are too quiet?
Perhaps you need to start planning stuff with friends a lot more.
Don't allow him to make your life small.

I think if he can help his dc, then why not? They’re young and just starting out in life. What a good dad!

Its normal to stop paying at 18. Your husband is a mug. Giving it to his ex wife. Bet she's not spending it on 3 adult kids.

What other reason is he paying the mother of his adult child money every month? Explain?

We’ve always paid way over what CMS calculates to my DP’s ex wife. When eldest went to uni, we paid them direct, and carried on after graduation until they found a job. Kept paying ex wife for the youngest. Now youngest is at uni, we pay them directly, so nothing to ex wife anymore. Will keep paying youngest until after graduation, and employment.

I think your partner should stop payments to his ex - how does he even know it’s getting passed on to the kids? And what if she’s becoming reliant on it within her normal budget?

Time to pay the kids directly, as an allowance .

OP, my DH had written into his divorce agreement that he would continue to pay maintenance for each child until they finished higher education. So as soon as they finished their uni course, his last payment was the end of that month. I thought that was reasonable, but I would not have been at all pleased if he had carried on paying after that. Your DH needs to stop payments for his oldest, and make clear to his EX-W that payments for the others will stop when they leave university.

As you and your partner are financially separate, you have no say on what he chooses to pay to his ex wife - for child maintenance (actually spousal support).

It does sound like he is paying more than necessary given his eldest child is working full time (although still lives in the family home).

However as the children and the ex wife still all live in the family home, just because the children turn 18, the bills remain the same for running and maintaining the home that the children 'return to'. I can see its a tricky situation that needs to be navigated between your DP and his ex Wife but at the end of the day it's non of your business!

Well if he’d actually been a decent dad he’d have the kids 50/50 and there would be no maintenance. It’s his guilt at being a shit father.

Yanbu. If the mother needs money to pay the costs of eldest living with her then she needs to charge them rent. I paid rent when living at home and working full time and will expect my children to do the same in future if they’re in that situation. How ridiculous to still pay for a child who’s an adult with a full time job.

She’s going to have a shock then when she realises her entitlement to a state pension is minimal, having not paid any NI contributions, other than credits due to child benefit. I expect she’ll be expecting your DH to fund her through retirement then.

He should stop paying for the eldest

Pay the middle one directly if he wants ( money goes directly to her not to ex partner) until she finishes uni

Pay for the youngest until she finishes Uni, but pay directly to her when she starts Uni

When they are at Uni they should be encouraged to get part time jobs so he can cut down on payments

Spot the first wives on this thread insisting that it’s perfectly reasonable to pay child support for an actual adult with a FT job. Come on!

Sounds like he got f-ed in the divorce (not necessarily due to an affair with OP)

Presumably there's a cultural or familial belief at play & I would question how much of the money actually goes on the kids Vs the house upkeep/spousal support (yes. I know you said she gets none but that might have been a trade off at the time for reliable & generous child support + not going after his pension, savings or future earnings)

If he's wealthy enough I'd expect him to continue paying until there are no kids at home, if he leaves himself short he needs to cut back or earn more

So you’re subsidising this, OP

It's common for young adult children to live at home to save money. So I think he is collectively with his ex supporting her to do this. But it might be that they would be better asking DD to pay rent and your DH puts the money he was paying into a LISA or something for her. I don't think continuing to support young adult children is unreasonable at all though. Encourage him to have a positive open conversation about how long the arrangement should be going on and give good notice of anything changing.