To think dp should stop paying child support....

So he’s doing his kids and family out of money just so he doesn’t have to have a vaguely awkward conversation with the ex wife? Pathetic.

For the eldest it’s too late, he’s already lumbered with the highest possible loan to pay back while his mum enjoyed the benefits of having his sap of a dad’s money when it could’ve gone directly to him.

The middle kid, better late than never I suppose. Stop that portion of “maintenance” now and give some support towards uni costs directly.

Third kid, keep the money in place until A levels end and then if he goes to uni offer some support there.

He is doing nobody any favours here and at this point he’s sticking two fingers up to you by not dealing with it like a grown up.

I’d stop paying her for the eldest one, I’d pay the 19 year old directly and would only pay her for the youngest one, once the others get a job, I’d stop paying for them too, he needs to have a conversation with her, the first two children she is getting paid for one doesn’t need the money and the other doesn’t even live there, she needs to manage her money better and not be relying on her ex.

My db worked abroad so couldn't have his dc 50/50.
His ex preferred the money anyway to the point that when db offered to give dc money directly for uni she threatened not to allow dc home at all if she didn't get the money.

I have 2 daughters 15 and 17. My ex pays the minimum child maintenance and I very much doubt he will continue when they go to university. However I think paying direct to them during university would be a nice thing to do.

For my 17yo's last year of college, I've asked him to pay 'her half' direct to her so I can get her to practise budgeting. Eg I'll expect her to take on certain of her costs I cover now, buy one food shop a month, that sort of thing.

In your shoes I'd say he should only be paying direct to the ex for the youngest child. Paying the one at uni direct would also be ok with me. Possibly paying something to the one working direct but on a tapering scale and with an end in sight. Definitely not all to the ex wife.

This. Also, why is he paying to the ex wife directly

What was agreed during the financial settlement in his divorce?

I think the concern here is that she relies on this money for her own living expenses and when it stops what is her plan for the future. Your DH needs to talk to her with a plan for the gradual reduction in payments. He should start now with the eldest and then a timeframe for the middle child ect.

I think he has had good intentions but a better way would have been to pay his DC uni accommodation so that they didn’t need the full loan or to work as much. They have not necessarily benefited from his continuing to pay.

DH ex maybe needs know it is tapering down so that she picks up more work ect.

It does not include university.

Usually court orders state that maintenance should be paid whilst the child is in full time education and that includes university but once at university the money should be paid direct to the child.
So your DH should not pay anything for the eldest, pay direct to the second child and pay the exW for the third child until they go to university. If they don't go, the money should cease. The problem is not the legality but any fall out if he stops paying.
He should rethink and you should also rethink future finances if he won't stop paying.

Are the costs of your home - mortgage etc shared equally between the two of you or are you paying more in some way?

Why aren't you angrier?

She needs to get off her arse and work for a living like the rest of us do.
I'd be massively pissed off if i were you. She's basically living off you

Yet another thread where the ex wife can’t afford a life without a handout from the kids father years and years after divorce. It’s literally pathetic all round. Your husband needs to grow a pair. Of course give directly to the children at whatever age if he wants to / can afford to, but he should have stopped paying direct to the ex wife when they turn 18 - was he going to keep paying when they are 25? 30? This behaviour would give me the major ick tbh.

The problem is that you have separate finances. You can't dictate what he does with his money. He might not want to go on a holiday and is only going on the holiday because you want them and have paid for them.
He is choosing where to spend his money. It is up to you to choose where you money goes. Do you have access to his bank account? Do you know where most of his money goes? He may have stopped paying for the elderst but not told you. Because he doesn't want you to plan where to spend his money.

I don't see a problem with the money going to the person putting a roof over the 'child's head and paying their bills. Depending on how responsible they are with their money that may well be the more sensible way to support them, leaving them free to make good or bad decisions with the money they earn for themselves.

I might have missed it but I didn't see anywhere that this money is expected - the father seems to be paying it voluntarily. He may be being a bit strategic here - if the mother requests enough board to cover expenses or even kicks the kids out to downsize because she can't afford to keep them all herself, they may end up on his doorstep.

Again - before anyone comes at me I am not saying this is what SHOULD happen, I just don't think it's horrifying either, especially when compared to adult children who live with their married parents while they're getting established in life.

A fair situation would be-
maintenance until 18
if they go to uni and live out 50/50 maintenance split between child and mum
if they live at home but go uni maintenance until 21 .
if they work unless well paid maintenance until 21.
After that if they are working full time they should pay board. (Possibly some interim contribution whilst looking for work/training)

Hes better reducing by a third now (maybe give 3 months notice) and then again when no second child leave uni so ex is having money reduced in increments rather than all at once.

The money could go directly to the eldest son but, again, it doesn't have to be done that way. It sounds like the mother is continuing to provide the family home that the eldest son lives in, for now, and the father is happy paying it that way. OP hasn't said the eldest son has any complaints.

I don't know what I'd do in OP's position. Remarriages get complicated!

I think this is pretty common with nuclear families so it makes me kind of sad to see how children of divorce are so often abruptly cut off when they're of legal age, because their parent's new partner wants that money or space for herself.

@BigHeadBertha I think that if the father wants to give his eldest son money directly, that's fine. But he needs to break the expectation of monthly child maintenance payments to his ex-wife for a 22-year-old with a full-time job. I wonder whether the son realizes that his father still pays maintenance for him?
I imagine that he'd be annoyed not to be treated like an adult, because at this point, money intended for him should go directly to him.

Many, many parents continue to support their working adult children until they've saved enough money to buy a home of their own or are otherwise ready to fly the nest. Nobody bats an eyelid if the adult child lives with the parent; why is it such a big deal if the other parent still contributes, exactly as they would if they were still married?

I want to make it clear that I don't receive that support nor expect it myself, but I don't think it's such an outrageous thing.

Interesting that you use 'first wives', that phrase says a lot about where you sit in this debate but the OP's boyfriend doesn't have a second family relying on his income so he's free to spend it how he likes. OP is of course free to accept that or not but I don't think it's her place to criticise.

There's no blanket rule.

For example, my husband is the father of our grown children and both of them lived at home for a couple of years after they finished their degrees and had professional jobs.

One of them (the unmarried one) has stayed with us for a year here and a year there even after that. He can afford his own place but he likes living with us off and on and we like having him.

We never charged our grown kids rent and they'll always be welcome with us. They are both good with saving and investing their money and we've been pleased to help them out with their futures by letting them stay here if they want to. However, they'd buy the groceries for the household, help us out with home repairs and so on, so they both did contribute to the household some.

Everybody's been happy with the arrangements so far. Nobody's demanded they pay the same rent we'd charge a roommate or demanded they get out or demanded to cut them off.

I think this is pretty common with nuclear families so it makes me kind of sad to see how children of divorce are so often abruptly cut off when they're of legal age, because their parent's new partner wants that money or space for herself.

I do see that the OP has her own life and his grown kids aren't her kids. I'm just saying there's more than one way to look at it. I'd bet the OP would agree with being more generous with the newly graduated child if it was her kid.

Is it a matter of what's "normal" or a matter of the terms of the divorce? As the child of a divorce, I think my father was obligated to pay until I was finished with school (although then the payment wasn't child support, but tuition).

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa

You're correct that at the end of the day it's your DP's business. BUT, I certainly wouldn't be limiting myself because of it.

If you want a holiday, take it! And no, do NOT pay for him to accompany you. Not affording a holiday is part of the decision that he has made, so that particular monkey does belong to his circus and he needs to accept full responsibility for it.

So, plan your holiday. When he says he can't afford it, say "I'm sorry too. But I'm still going". Frankly a solo week by a nice beach sounds like Heaven. Perhaps if he sees you living 'la vida loca' or maybe that should be 'la vida serena' by the seaside he'll rethink his priorities.

So, if the eldest is working full time in a graduate job and the money is being sent to EXW....is he even seeing any of this money?

Still reading the thread but I think you have your answer here. Book your travel and let him know you are going. If he can’t afford it then he stays home. He’ll get it eventually.

*This was in response to the post about the eldest traveling and you wanting to.

He pays his ex wife for their grown adult child who works full time, am I missing something?
My dad paid my mum until I was 18, then helped me out when he could while I was at uni- but that was to me directly.