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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think dp should stop paying child support....

259 replies

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:17

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

OP posts:
Kitchi · 23/04/2025 09:45

At this point he’s just supporting his ex. Does he want to do that forever?

Have you actually had a sit down chat with him about why this is happening?

ComeAsYouAreAsAFriend · 23/04/2025 09:14

If he still wants to support her financially he should be paying her directly now, she is an adult her money does not need to come through her mother

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 23/04/2025 09:10

StrangerOnline · 23/04/2025 08:31

I’d also suggest you show him this thread..?
and in particular look at the % of the poll answers.

Remind him that this woman’s forum has a lot of single mothers on here who rely on payments from their partners to help support their children, and the consensus is STILL that it is time to stop for the eldest.

He knows that he has been paying over and above what CMS/Court would order for quite awhile now so that should reassure him – he has been extremely generous. He has definitely been the ‘good guy’ in this situation and has no need to feel guilty in terms of financial responsibility.

however his children are nearly all adults… His financial responsibility to THEM is over. I believe he now has a financial responsibility to both you and to himself going forward.

You could suggest to him that he can continue to support his kids but perhaps on a more ad hoc basis… eg/ buy a car, give money towards a holiday, or any large expenses they have on an individual basis. But that would be directly to the child for a particular need and definitely nothing paid directly to the ex-wife.

Edited

This is a good point. I kind of expected the poll to be a little more split, but it's pretty strong, even among this specific group of mostly mum's. I imagine if this was a divorced dads forum it would be even more heavily weighted the other way, but it's other mum's perspectives I mostly want

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 23/04/2025 09:06

DSS turns 18 and goes to uni this summer. We’ve had number of conversations about this and are letting DH’s ex know that we will be supporting him directly with uni costs from September. Once he graduates we’ll be expecting him to get a job! It’s not an infinite payment plan - at some point it’s reasonable to ask adult children to support themselves. All our DC always have a room here if they need it but they need to get out there and start behaving like adults at some point.

mepipesneedlagging · 23/04/2025 09:02

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 21:40

Perhaps he wants to help them? They are his kids and he feels they need it?

But then he should be paying them directly.
Sorry OP, he's being a Mug.

rainbowstardrops · 23/04/2025 09:01

I agree with countless others. Your partner should have been paying directly to his children once they were over 18, if that’s what he wanted to do. Of course he can still support his eldest here and there but definitely not child maintenance to the ex!
No wonder she doesn’t work much - she doesn’t need to!

AppleandRhubarbTart · 23/04/2025 08:54

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:36

That sounds exactly correct to me!

Show quote history

And me. Your DPs attachment to paying for his ex has meant he's not paid fairly for his uni aged DC.

MellowPinkDeer · 23/04/2025 08:50

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/04/2025 08:47

That’s true but we were told in court that our daughter could make own application to the court for support from her father at the point of university, he would have to explain why he agreed to it and then decided not too.

Show quote history

You’d like to hope she wouldn’t need to!

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/04/2025 08:47

MellowPinkDeer · 23/04/2025 07:37

I didn’t say she should. The CMs rule states that university isn’t included. Court orders relating to maintenance are also able to be overturned by either party at anytime ( after the first 12 months) .

Show quote history

That’s true but we were told in court that our daughter could make own application to the court for support from her father at the point of university, he would have to explain why he agreed to it and then decided not too.

Dontcallmescarface · 23/04/2025 08:33

TheAmpleBalonz · 22/04/2025 23:20

Well if he’d actually been a decent dad he’d have the kids 50/50 and there would be no maintenance. It’s his guilt at being a shit father.

Just because a man doesn't have 50/50 it doesn't make him a "shit dad". We didn't do 50/50 because it wasn't possible...the Royal Navy don't take to kindly to having kids on board during deployments.

StrangerOnline · 23/04/2025 08:31

I’d also suggest you show him this thread..?
and in particular look at the % of the poll answers.

Remind him that this woman’s forum has a lot of single mothers on here who rely on payments from their partners to help support their children, and the consensus is STILL that it is time to stop for the eldest.

He knows that he has been paying over and above what CMS/Court would order for quite awhile now so that should reassure him – he has been extremely generous. He has definitely been the ‘good guy’ in this situation and has no need to feel guilty in terms of financial responsibility.

however his children are nearly all adults… His financial responsibility to THEM is over. I believe he now has a financial responsibility to both you and to himself going forward.

You could suggest to him that he can continue to support his kids but perhaps on a more ad hoc basis… eg/ buy a car, give money towards a holiday, or any large expenses they have on an individual basis. But that would be directly to the child for a particular need and definitely nothing paid directly to the ex-wife.

SummerFeverVenice · 23/04/2025 08:30

I haven’t read the thread as they say but first I would ask

  • what does the financial agreement of the divorce say?
  • secondly, the 22yr old with degree and working full time is beyond child support. Any support he wants to send should go to the 22yr direct, not via the ex and should be discussed between the two of you prior to be offered to the 22yr old. It’s none on ex’s business post Uni.
  • thirdly, the19yr old in Uni, many financial agreements include a commitment to support the child through higher education. So while he should still pay this support, it should be sent directly to the child and not via the ex, but the ex should be kept informed.
  • fourth, the 18yo in sixth form. Yes child support is still required and should be sent to the ex. Once the 18yo starts Uni or an apprenticeship any support should be sent directly to the child, with ex cc’d for her information.
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 23/04/2025 08:25

Espresso25 · 23/04/2025 07:59

What provision has he made for retirement OP? Or is he just going to be supported by you?

His pension is somewhat better than mine. Their agreement keeps his pension protected for him. In reality,I imagine there'll be a clamour from the EXW over this

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 23/04/2025 08:23

Thank you for all of the perspectives on here. I really wanted to hear from different points of view and have got that and appreciate all of these answers.

To me, the easy answer is obviously stop paying for a 22 year old with a job, and give a child at uni their own money, but not everyone does it that way and there are sensible reasons for that. Plus it's a no brainer in my mind to say the EXW needs to get a job, but if she doesn't, the children still need a home to come back to until they're independent adults.

I am going to discuss it with him (again - it isn't like we have not discussed this). It is up to him how he spends his money but he isn't totally happy with it. I think his mind is made up though so I'll just be giving it from my side after a bit more thought. My thoughts are that I will just do my thing in the bounds of what I can afford, without him, over the next few years. I've been raising children since my early 20s and it's time to do things for myself more. I have worked hard and continue to so I can afford a bit of treats.

We do have separate finances but we live together. We have not bought a house together because of his finances, and we have not married for the same reason, so I don't agree that his money is none of my business, or any woman's in a similar scenario. It very much becomes your business when you enter into a serious relationship, unless you're reckless. It's only my business up to the point it affects my life, and since it does, I'll just have to take my own holidays for now. There are worse things in life!!!

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 23/04/2025 08:19

You are bloody joking. Why is he giving this money to his exW? At their age if he still wants to pay he should be giving the money to his kids directly.

StrangerOnline · 23/04/2025 08:16

Another one here agreeing that he should not be paying anything for the eldest any more - it’s no longer ‘child’ support.

I think it’s great (even if not legally necessary) for father to support past 18 years old while still at uni. However, some posters have said he should not support a 22 year-old who is working. I don’t think his employment status is relevant at all. Once someone has left uni it is up to them to support themselves. Either by working (or claim benefits if needed to pay their way wherever they are living). After education is complete, they should be fully independent.
I do accept this isn’t easy these days and many do rely on parents help but OP’s husband is actually supporting his exW lifestyle choices now. Even his youngest doesn’t need her to be a SAHM now.

But as this hasn’t been previously discussed, I think 6 months notice that it’s stopping would be fair.

And maintenance for 2nd child (and eventually 3rd too) should stop at graduation.

LavenderFields7 · 23/04/2025 08:00

Sounds like he is paying a guilt tax to his ex-wife.

LavenderFields7 · 23/04/2025 07:59

Should have stopped at 18

Espresso25 · 23/04/2025 07:59

What provision has he made for retirement OP? Or is he just going to be supported by you?

CopperWhite · 23/04/2025 07:58

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 22:07

That's something that I wonder. I've stayed out of it. The eldest took a full student loan and worked all through uni (weekends and holidays) and I don't think saw any financial support. Not my business exactly, but it would be weird not to hold some opinion on this

Show quote history

Unless he lived away from home for the holidays or paid his mum rent, he did receive financial support.

OlderYearsIsBest · 23/04/2025 07:49

I speak as someone who was divorced in the past and was a single parent with children.

The money is for the children, not the ex. While the children are dependent, he needs to pay. Once they are adults, payment stops. Once my children were 18 they became adults and I didn't expect any maintenance. One left home, one went to university but that was their choice and they used grant funding and a part-time job, they were not funded by ex.

He should stop paying, his ex is using it to fund her own lifestyle and this is not what payments are for, she needs to get a job. Just stop.

ThejoyofNC · 23/04/2025 07:44

All these suggestions about paying for another 6 months or paying just for the younger too are just stupid. It's CHILD maintenance, all of his 'children' are adults. He needs to just cut this off. If she hasn't planned how to fund her own life when all of her kids at that age, then that's her own problem. That also shows you the money is for her and not for them.

Espresso25 · 23/04/2025 07:39

He’s supporting the ex, not the kids. It’s just how they’ve dressed it up. You’re supporting him and ergo her.

MellowPinkDeer · 23/04/2025 07:37

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/04/2025 07:33

My court order does, it was added by our solicitors. Why should only Mum help with university?

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I didn’t say she should. The CMs rule states that university isn’t included. Court orders relating to maintenance are also able to be overturned by either party at anytime ( after the first 12 months) .

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/04/2025 07:33

MellowPinkDeer · 23/04/2025 06:38

It does not include university.

Show quote history

My court order does, it was added by our solicitors. Why should only Mum help with university?