To think dp should stop paying child support....

Could you maybe suggest that instead of paying child maintenance for the older 2 that he maybe opens a savings account for them and pays a set amount in each month so that he is still helping support their future lives but it's going direct to them and when the youngest gets to a certain age he does same for them.

Does your ex partner/husband still pay to your grown up kids ?

That's her choice and if they were still married the father may or may not agree to it.

Most people expect their university aged children to take out a loan to fund living costs (albeit most students also need parental help as the loan no longer covers everything) and a 22 yo working FT would be expected to pay into the household or get their own place.

Eldest child - he needs to stop paying for, he works fulltime and even if he still lives at home he can pay his mum rent.

Middle child - stops paying ex and gives money direct to child.

Youngest - still pays ex as this child is still in fulltime education

Single parent here. When my DS finished A levels, I told me ex-H to stop paying maintenance for him, but asked him to give some of the money to DS for when he started Uni. I wouldn’t expect his Dad to carry on paying maintenance,

And if they were still married the father would be contributing to all that.

Not sure why people are saying he should pay them directly. They're living at home! Presumably the ex is paying for the heating, the food, all the home comforts and the hundreds of different expenses related to the maintenance and upkeep of a house. She'd have a hell of a smaller bill if it were just her living there.

You might find that once you've had a couple of holidays without him - as he cannot afford it - he will understand more how his choice is affecting his & your life.

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa

My thoughts are that I will just do my thing in the bounds of what I can afford, without him, over the next few years. I've been raising children since my early 20s and it's time to do things for myself more. I have worked hard and continue to so I can afford a bit of treats.

Agree with this 100%. You do you, you deserve it! And as I mentioned upthread, it may quietly encourage him to rethink what he's paying to the exW.

We do have separate finances but we live together. We have not bought a house together because of his finances, and we have not married for the same reason, so I don't agree that his money is none of my business, or any woman's in a similar scenario. It very much becomes your business when you enter into a serious relationship, unless you're reckless. It's only my business up to the point it affects my life,

But I disagree with this. IMHO, a 'living together' couple's finances are none of the other's business as long as they are able to pay their share of the living expenses (rent/mortgage, utilities, food, etc). They aren't required to match the other's 'discretionary' spending if they can't or don't want to. This is because one member has no liability for the other's expenditures or debts. In your case, if you really couldn't tolerate your DP continuing to pay his exW money for adult children, you could say "Nope, not dealing with it" and leave. Obvs you aren't going to do that at this point. But you easily could if you wanted.

Living together or married with joint finances is different because each person would have the ability to spend that joint money. Therefore it is each person's responsibility to consult with each other and to question 'out of the ordinary' expenditures.

Married with separate finances the issue becomes murkier. But if marriage means being liable for each other's debts then there needs to be financial 'transparency'. Even if accounts are kept separate, each should know what the other is doing. We've seen any number of MN threads where one spouse has run up or defaulted on debts and the other spouse is being held liable (or expected) to make payments.

Proviso is that a home purchase needs absolute financial transparency no matter what. It's too major a purchase to be in the dark about the other person's ability to pay for the mortgage and other necessary expenses. Personally, I'd never buy a house with someone I wasn't married to. Especially if I/we had 'separate' adult children.

Is he doing it because someone expects him to or because he wants to? Obviously he doesn't have to pay his ex anything for his adult children, or pay his adult children anything, but it's quite sweet that he wants to help them out.

Legally, he still has to pay for the youngest until they complete A levels (or turns 20, whichever comes first) but the other two are adults. He should tell his ex that he's only paying for the youngest from now on and give money directly to the middle one for uni. I'm guessing there's a backstory here or he wouldn't be feeling this guilty.

He should pay the eldest direct not to the mum.

Whether he should pay it at all I can't decide.

I thought maintenance was paid until age 19, or they finish FT education, whichever comes first? And that paying whilst at university had to be court-ordered in any case?That’s what it was when my DH was paying 10 years ago anyway.

I'd stop paying the eldest CM they dont need it, but I'd set aside money for them in a pension or something. For the one at uni, I'd give them money directly. He probably needs to provide until they finish full time education. The youngest id still pay until they finish full time education. His ex i assume works or could work, so she def shouldn't need funding...

Your DP needs to stop paying to his ex and directly to the 2 youngest children directly and can treat the eldest if/when he wants to. His exw can do like everyone else, get off her arse and get a job

YANBU as eldest is working, unless there's a specific reason your DH wants to top him up - but like pps I'm surprised he's still paying direct to your ex. When my DSD hit 18 DH continued to help her out financially until she was earning enough to support herself, but paying it into DSD's account instead of his ex's as she had a habit of spending it on things that didn't directly benefit DSD. As pps have said, it might be an idea for him to start paying the younger 2 directly so they have control.

Generally child support stops at 18 when the young adult goes to university, where they are sustained by student loans not the household budget. He can continue paying it for the youngest 2 while they are in full time education but there is no legal reason for him to do so- they 22 year old is a fully fledged adult with a full time job , why on earth would they need or expect support from elsewhere?

My ex stopped paying the day my eldest started his apprenticeship on minimum wage, I think your guy is going above and beyond tbh!

If he wants to carry on he should at least be paying them direct, it sounds mad to pay the exW. . My ex gives our youngest an allowance while he’s at uni. He stopped with our oldest once he got a job after graduating. I think once they are earning a liveable wage it’s time to at least review the situation.

I am sorry but none of your business :/ he isn’t not a dad after CMS says he can stop paying. His child should absolutely benefits from his finances/work…

This isn’t child support, it’s spousal support. The money is being spent by his ex-wife on herself and no one else.

DH’s arrangement only went up to age 18 if in FT education, although we chose to pay DSS’s uni accommodation, the payments went directly to DSS

He should stop paying the exwife for the eldest, and give money directly to his eldest if he wants to. The other two I would say keep paying for now.

It always strikes me as odd that a parent(s) in a ‘together’ family are not legally obliged to fund uni, and beyond, if they can’t afford it, or choose not to. But separated fathers are fair game …