To think dp should stop paying child support....

As they are all adults, if he has a good relationship with them then I would sit down with them and explain that it’s usual to stop paying at 19, and ask what support they would ideally need. I wouldn’t give regular payments to the older ones, but would help with rent, or put money into savings, or whatever felt best. Their mum should have nothing to do with money for them from your DH at their ages (aside from the 18yo as CMS would expect this to continue to age 19)

I think at 18 years of age, it’d be fair for him to give them each a bit of money directly or something less official. Not to keep paying it to his ex wife after such a long time divorced and them being legally adults.

Do you think he feels guilty that she sacrificed building a career of her own to raise the children? This could go some way to explain things. She sounds like she’ll be up the creek in the future, and perhaps this is what drives him on to keep paying.

Apologies voice text and forgot to check
but u get the idea hopefully

Exactly this.

There are all sorts of situations where it might be appropriate for him to continue paying maintenance to the mother of his children, for example, if she had to buy a house to accommodate all three of the children and still has to pay that mortgage even though one has moved out. Remember also that it’s likely her earning power suffered as a result of having those children, so she might really struggle if the maintenance suddenly stops.

The costs don’t just evaporate when the child becomes an adult - there’s a whole set-up already established.

Aside from the fact that it’s not though CMS
it seems that he’s setting up his child to be
reliant on other people, not take responsibility for their living costs etc
huge mistake ime
that’s important lessons here they’re gonna end up like the mother expecting to be cut by somebody else. It’s not good for them.
if he wants to put something aside for them I would set up a separate account put something in that every month and then gift it to them when they need a car or house or something like that once how to take responsibility for themselves

Haven't read the full thread but my thoughts

1. 22 year old- Stop paying maintenance.
2. 19 year old at Uni - stop paying maintenance to mother, but start paying money directly to child. Stop once graduated.
3. 17 year old - continue paying maintenance to mother until they go to uni then switch to paying money directly to child while at uni. Stop once graduated

As mother is used to receiving this money then would be reasonable to give her notice. Perhaps start with 3 months notice to stop oldest, then stop middle from September

None of your business, sorry.

You are not being unreasonable to think that it's time DP addressed the exit strategy, or that a young graduate working full-time is ready to become financially independent. But if I were you I would not go swimming in those reeds. Whenever the subject comes up between you and DP, encourage him to talk to his ex and his children about when their allowances are going to cease but otherwise... shtum.

My father stopped paying when we left full time education. He gave us a small monthly amount direct to us. And helped out if we needed anything. No way would he have kept paying my mother. Does ex have a job??

I was going to say your unreasonable then I saw one was at university and the other had a job. They are adults getting their own money so why do they need child maintenance? How bizarre. They should both be paying their mother moneynout of their wages/universal grants and loans. They will end up with no concept of money if their dad is paying their way.

My court ordered agreement is maintenance until the kids are 23, if they are in full time education (paid straight to me, not to them).

Unless the eldest is in some kind of training role, it's reasonable to stop paying for them - they're an independent adult with a job now. Although by all means, keep it in an emergency fund rather than spend it in case they need a helping hand at some point.

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa Of course YANBU. I would be asking why he's still paying for the 22yr old when he's not legally obliged to - from .gov.uk: Child maintenance is typically required until a child turns 16 or, if they are in full-time education or training, until they turn 20. Once a child reaches 20 or leaves full-time education/training, the obligation to pay child maintenance usually ends.

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa is it possible that he isn’t being entirely honest with you? I think his ex has come to rely on the child maintenance and he is happy to continue to pay her. It sounds like he is now paying spousal maintenance! Especially if some of the children are no longer living at home/are only home during uni holidays. Having said that, her housing requirements will still be substantial if some or all of the children are still living at home/home for the hols.The eldest needs to pay his share of the bills though. Wouldn’t he need to contribute to his middle child’s university costs? I’m not sure why his contribution to that is going to the mother..

Your finances are separate so I still think it’s none of your business. It’s down to him. Are you interested in what he’s put in his will also?

Child maintenance in the U.K. is only up to 18. He should stop paying for the oldest 2 or at least to the working one since he is no longer a dependent .
where I’m from child maintenance is paid until 25 as long as the child studies ! Which is fine if its used that way , in our case my hubby has a child who is almost 19 and failed 3 courses and just keeps jumping from one place to the next so he doesn’t have to work . His ex is useless at making him keep his promises and allows him do as he wishes so he skips school and plays games all day . No matter how much dad tries to help ( and we honestly try our best finding places , finding professional courses etc ) in his words , mum always supports me so I know I can do what I want “ .

My SD graduated uni last year. She's now working full time. DP stopped paying her maintenance as soon as she started the full time job. He admits he could have stopped paying sooner but as she was staying away for uni the CM went directly to her, not his Ex so he wanted to support her whilst still in education which was fair enough.
He only started paying her directly when she moved away, up until then he'd been paying his ex.

I don't expect maintenance from ex when dc leaves school - I would expect him to treat or give support to dc directly. Once your child is an adult it shouldn't be up to the parent to decide what their financial support needs spent on

ExDH paid child maintenance to me until they went to university then he carried on paying it but directly to them as his contribution toward their living costs
They are now older and he doesn’t pay anything but is fairly generous directly to them for birthday, Xmas etc - house deposit, wedding contributions and one offs like emergency car repairs - as am I 😊

I’m in the minority but I think you are probably best staying out of it, especially as you maintain separate finances and don’t have a DC together. Are you married? Have you been living together long? It’s really up to him how he supports his DC and for how long; I could imagine many reasons why he might want to go above and beyond (as he’s done by paying over the required amount). I think it reflects really well on him. If he wants ideas from you about how to extricate himself from the payments that’s fine but if he’s happy with the status quo, I’d leave well alone.

My starting point now would be for him to sit down with each of his children in turn and ask them for a run down of what they get from their mum now, and what they've ever got in the cases of the older two. Then he at least knows the extent of the potential unfairness towards the kids and can act accordingly.

As per CMS he’s only responsible for the youngest child and that is only until he leaves further education. Once they start uni and child benefit stops, you don’t pay.

now if you wish to provide help when they are at uni then you should, but it should be to the child, not the mother.

if the mother wants money for them living there then the child will need to geta job and pay her for board.

He should only pay to ExW for the child still in full time education.
The middle child will have got the full maintenance loan as ExW will be low income.
The eldest should be paying rent/board to their mother out of their own wages.
ExW probably needs to get a job if she’s relying on maintenance for the two older children

Sounds like ex wife is living it up on three lots of money she doesn’t pay to the kids because they are adults. He needs to stop paying now so you as a couple can enjoy more together, if his kids need things then that’s fine but shouldn’t be aging this money so ex wife can live in the lap of luxury

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice Yes, many parents contribute towards their adult child’s living expenses when they’re starting out, I don’t see DH and I cutting off our children financially the moment they graduate.

As @Blueblell says though, the real
concern here is that it sounds as if his ex also relies on this money for her own living expenses, not just the children’s, and it doesn’t sounds as if they’ve discussed a timeframe for reducing/ending these payments.

At some point, one or more of the adult children will decide to move out and she needs to prepare for that. What if the younger two decide not to move home after uni? That’s a big chunk of money suddenly gone. Better to discuss this now than have a messy situation in the future.