To think dp should stop paying child support....

Well, I suppose that in an intact family, the parents will decide together, and will probably agree. In a split family, the main earner is likelier to try to weasel out.

As a parent that gets child support... Anything after they were 18/at uni/working I would ask the dad to sort payments to go direct to them. Nothing to do with me at that point

The actual issue here, as described by OP, is that he doesn't have enough money to go on holiday with her because he's still supporting his children.

So changing it to a direct payment or savings account doesn't achieve anything.

If eldest lives at home and mum doesn't charge him rent and both parents want to contribute to oldest being rent free so that he can save up etc then I think fair enough as mum still has the same bills to pay and food to give him etc. the child maintenance for three children is I think the same as for two anyway?

Do they get the money paid for them by their Mum? Adult working shouldn't be any payment, other 2 yes but directly to them. He needs to arrange a chat with ex to reevaluate the situation. Xx

@ExtraOnions Does he give money directly to his adult children now or still to their mother?

I think the Mum receiving the money is what many people are finding unusual, not the fact that he wants to support his children. I know that I’ll be giving DD ( nearly 20) money for several years to come!

I wouldn't expect him to be paying for a child who's working full time. A better option would be to open a savings account for that child in order to contribute towards bigger things he wants to help them with or if he felt it would be spent appropriately he could pay an allowance to the child directly but i see no reason for him to still be paying his ex. It sounds like she's just been used to that being part of her budget.

My husband paid for his children until they were 21 .. even though 2 were working by that age. I never interfered, he wanted to do it and that was that.

He still contributes financially now, it’s just the right thing to do.

You might be right @AnotherNaCha , which is why it’s imperative that they (the DH and his ex) discuss the longterm financial plan before the children get any older. Their youngest will be 25 in 7 years and surely he won’t be paying child maintenance then?!

He and his ex need to become financially separate at some point and that may mean him paying her a lump sum, continuing to pay unofficial spousal maintenance for x years, perhaps her downsizing from the family home, working more hours, etc.

Child maintenance payements are not legally binding after the child is 18yrs of age. At 18yrs, a child is considered a young adult by law, therefore not a child, therefore no child support payements are required. They cease being supported through child support payements, on the last day of August, as the child should be going to uni, working or signing on, in the September,now they are 18yrs old. They are now expected to look after themselves, legally. Cannot understand why on earth he is paying for a 20yr old....madness

I agree, but it’s a shame if the OP has to holiday alone, just to get the message across. But I have no better ideas

@AnotherNaCha I realise my reply has touched a raw nerve with you. She does need to get her own finances in order though and do what is needed to be financially independent from her ex-husband. Whether that is getting a job or finding out if she is eligible to claim any benefits.

my ex pays a proportion to eldest at uni for their living expenses and a proportion to me (all set out in our financial arrangement). Rationale being that eldest comes back to me to live during holidays. This will end after graduation (officially payments to both of us but I hope he will help the eldest if needed until earning). Full amount to me for the youngest as still at school. Same arrangement in place if youngest goes to uni.

I was wondering if the children had any idea.

Typical stepmum answer. You have no idea what situation the ex partner is in, and no doubt raising his kids while he ringfences his career means she’ll likely be in 50s or more with limited earning capacity. But she could be a high flyer, who knows? It’s really bitchy to hone in on “the mum getting a job” now she’s done her bit and basically be discarded. The children still need a home also

Bonkers. He shouldn’t be leaving himself short in order to give money to a working adult.

Yes exactly. And women of all people should be supportive of this, even if they’ve managed to not put themselves in that position

Maybe he could look up the child support calculator and see what he would pay and what he is paying.
Then he could use July as a cut off point for any child who has finished Uni.
If he tells his ex now, she has time to.plan.

No wonder you’re fed up. It’s not just the compromises and subsidies you’re already making, but the potential for this to go on and on and perhaps even get worse.

I totally agree with those saying the payments for the eldest stop, he can help the middle one direct if he chooses and should pay the ex for the youngest until September this year (then help direct if he chooses). He can give ex 3 months notice of this now. She can then ask eldest for rent.

Her finances sound completely unsustainable but that’s not his problem to solve. The longer he leaves it the more likely he will get dragged down.

Has he sat down and done a budget lately? Would that help him to see how out of balance things have become? He can also talk to his boys and get everything out in the open?

The very day my ex could stop paying maintenance for his DC he did, totally expected as he had to be forced to part with his money via CM and thinks he 'propped' up my household for far too long.

I'm also a step-mum. Maintenance stopped immediately the children left full-time school and they were headed for uni. We then arranged with both kids what we would give them a month, and once they had a full-time job, and they'd had their first salary, we stopped. We paid for their first year's professional fees and have helped them with home deposits, car deposits, that sort of thing. Their other parent gave the eldest money each month for the first year, then stopped. Younger one got nothing.
I think your partner's ex needs to get a job, she can't keep relying on him to keep a roof over her head. It's also not his job to make sure she has a home they can return to in the holidays from university.

Wow he sounds like a saint-- can teach my ex, who refused to pay maintenance by all means necessary! Though I agree, adult children can be asked and paid directly, regardless of what their mother wants.

Do the 3 ‘Children’ know he is paying their mum and how much he pays?

I agree with you. I imagine she has lost a host of universal credit payments once the children have reached 18. So can’t cope if she also loses child maintenance.

Eldest son should contribute & ex wife should work more hours.

There's no reason to give any money to the mum for the kids. He can just give it to them directly.
Maybe the 18 yo until they're either at Uni/working. But the others are adults now. The mum doesn't need to be involved in any money he chooses to give them.
So definitely he should just say it will go to them now. But you can't say it on his behalf.