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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think dp should stop paying child support....

259 replies

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:17

....for his eldest

He has 3 DC, 22,19, 18. Eldest graduated last year and works full time. Middle is finishing year 1 at uni. Youngest takes A levels this year. He has been paying maintenance for all 3. Above the level the CMS would demand, regularly, always. As he should do of course.

He continues to pay for all 3. Directly to his EXW. Up until now, their arrangements as far as I am concerned were none of my business, other than I'm happy he is a regular no quibbles maintenance payer and is a good dad.

So as not to drip feed - we have been together 9 years. He was 3 years divorced when we met. I have two DC who are in their 20s. I work hard, earn about the same as him. I am not financially dependent on him, we maintain separate finances despite living together for 3 years and paying into a shared pot. My concern is he has no exit strategy for paying child maintenance. And I don't see that it is child maintenance any more. He leaves himself short and that affects what we can do or plan together at a time when we should both be able to think about our lives together a bit more.

None of my friends are in this situation, they're married to the fathers of their children, or childless, or single parents but not in this blended scenario. So I don't know, should he stop paying for the eldest? Id have also imagined giving the middle one maintenance money directly now he is at uni, but that's a different question.

YABU - it's normal for a dad to keep paying for three DC at this point
YANBU - It's reasonable to stop paying for the eldest

OP posts:
HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 21:40

Perhaps he wants to help them? They are his kids and he feels they need it?

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 22/04/2025 21:39

He is funding his ex..... That's a man who can't stick up for himself...
Bye bye cushy life exw...

He can send some cash direct to the youngest if he wishes... ..

crinkletits · 22/04/2025 21:39

How much is he paying her?

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:37

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 22/04/2025 21:33

Urgh he sounds like a right sap...

Not usually, but beaten down with "you must be a good dad and support your children" on this particular subject

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:36

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/04/2025 21:33

I think it’s normal to stop paying when the child reachers 18 or ends secondary education- so the end of the year when they’ve turned 18.

So he’s gone on longer than most!

Edit - but also I think he should support the kids at Uni, just directly to them

Edited

I agree. It's nice to support them at uni, but I don't see why it wouldnt go to them directly

OP posts:
EilishMcCandlish · 22/04/2025 21:35

Why did the marriage end? Does he feel guilty for some reason and as if he has to carry on paying for it?

The oldest one should start paying their way if still living at home. He can pay middle one direct. Ex should only be getting it for the youngest until they go to uni and then pay them direct too. If he really feels he should, he could give her a small amount for the holiday periods when student age ones are with her. Or they could get part time jobs.

Starlightstarbright4 · 22/04/2025 21:35

I would personally inform wife that payments for the oldest are stopping , pay middle child directly .

if youngest is going to uni would be informing her they will be paid directly from September .

if starting work / apprenticeship payments will stop September .

Does ex work ? It isn’t his responsibility to provide for her indefinitely

westcott · 22/04/2025 21:34

At what point does he plan to stop paying?

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:34

Daleksatemyshed · 22/04/2025 21:32

If the eldest works full time they should be paying their DM, there's no reason your DP should be paying for him just because his DM doesn't take housekeeping off him

I agree. And I don't think the one should be dependent on the other - up to the mum if she charges her DC housekeeping or not, that's a personal decision in any household

OP posts:
Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 22/04/2025 21:33

Urgh he sounds like a right sap...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/04/2025 21:33

I think it’s normal to stop paying when the child reachers 18 or ends secondary education- so the end of the year when they’ve turned 18.

So he’s gone on longer than most!

Edit - but also I think he should support the kids at Uni, just directly to them

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:33

Intheway · 22/04/2025 21:30

This!

My ex didn't support our DC’s through uni, never in working. ( and there is no legal responsibility to do so)

If he had, the money would have gone to them, for their expenses, not to me.

Show quote history

Yes I agree. If paying at all it should go to the children at uni to support their studies. But apparently not everyone does it this way

OP posts:
Intheway · 22/04/2025 21:32

And he could save the same, or some money for them if he wanted to - small deposit towards a house, small amount towards first car, etc.

Daleksatemyshed · 22/04/2025 21:32

If the eldest works full time they should be paying their DM, there's no reason your DP should be paying for him just because his DM doesn't take housekeeping off him

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:32

Kimmeridge · 22/04/2025 21:29

That's not his problem. She needs to sort that out herself or charge her adult employed child rent.

He's mad if he doesn't stop.

Where does he plan on drawing the line. Because let's face it his ex is never going to say she doesn't need it? What if his kids live at home til they're 30 will he keep paying?

As pp said money should have gone straight to eldest when they started uni and then stopped at graduation

Show quote history

This is exactly my opinion. And that when he eventually does try and pull the rug on paying at all later on (this seems to be his current plan), it will cause much more difficulty all round

OP posts:
Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:30

Spirallingdownwards · 22/04/2025 21:26

Is he paying child maintenance or did he agree to spousal support?

Did they otherwise have capital that was split in his favour on the basis he would pay maintenance for longer.

Not spousal support. Just child maintenance And no, the opposite on capital, she has been able to keep the family home - I am also happy that this is the right thing as children and mum ot to stay in family home

OP posts:
Intheway · 22/04/2025 21:30

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:23

I wouldn't be paying anything to ex for the older two. If they needed financial support I would provide that directly to them.

This!

My ex didn't support our DC’s through uni, never in working. ( and there is no legal responsibility to do so)

If he had, the money would have gone to them, for their expenses, not to me.

Kimmeridge · 22/04/2025 21:29

VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:22

Good question. Apparently the Exw needs it somehow

Show quote history

That's not his problem. She needs to sort that out herself or charge her adult employed child rent.

He's mad if he doesn't stop.

Where does he plan on drawing the line. Because let's face it his ex is never going to say she doesn't need it? What if his kids live at home til they're 30 will he keep paying?

As pp said money should have gone straight to eldest when they started uni and then stopped at graduation

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:28

2024onwardsandup · 22/04/2025 21:26

Does the eldest still live at home?

if not then clearly he shouldn’t be paying. If he is I think it’s a bit less clear - lots of young people now stay at home for longer because they can’t afford to move out. So if it wiuld mean that his ex was basically left paying for the eldest alone that’s not fair. So I think there is more nuance to the situation potentially

That's also true. Yes the eldest is at home. Not paying a penny into the household apparently, but I don't know that his paying "child" support should be in any way dependent on whether the eldest pays their way or not. Maybe it should though. As you say, there is nuance in these scenarios

OP posts:
Jshrbt · 22/04/2025 21:26

I don’t see why he’s paying for the eldest, he should just give money directly to the one at uni and for the youngest either directly to them when they start uni or stop paying once they’ve had a chance to get a job if not going to uni.

2024onwardsandup · 22/04/2025 21:26

Caravaggiouch · 22/04/2025 21:25

I think he should be continuing to pay up to the age that he would still be supporting them were he and their mother still together. So in this situation, he should stop paying for eldest as they’re now working full time, but be paying towards 2 and 3 because they’re at university and school.

Yes I agree with this - but I think the thing is whether the eldest would still be living at home subsidised after graduation

Original poster
VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa · 22/04/2025 21:26

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:23

I wouldn't be paying anything to ex for the older two. If they needed financial support I would provide that directly to them.

Thank you. That's what id expect too. The one at uni has a job because I don't think his mum passed anything on to him, so I'm at a loss to understand this either. DP thinks what he is doing is normal/honourable but I feel he is being fleeced

OP posts:
rainbowsparkle28 · 22/04/2025 21:26

I would say it would be sensible to make a contribution for DC at uni and DC doing A Levels as both still in education. Even then though I don’t see why this couldn’t be a direct contribution to the DC (who let’s be clear, technically are adults at 18+), their mum does not need to get involved really with this tbh? The eldest DC, no, they are an adult and working. Of course if struggling then they hopefully can have a discussion with your DP, but that’s a whole different situation to this.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/04/2025 21:26

Is he paying child maintenance or did he agree to spousal support?

Did they otherwise have capital that was split in his favour on the basis he would pay maintenance for longer.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 22/04/2025 21:26

Continuing to pay for an adult working full time is bonkers. Any other financial support could go straight to the "children" for uni fees etc.