To think dp should stop paying child support....

He should stop paying the ExW for the two older ones & give them an allowance each, an amount he can afford & not leaving himself short. Once the Youngest is finished at Uni same goes for them too. whether the Exw needs it or not is not your husbands concern. He's providing for his kids & their needs as he should but has no responsibility to her.

So basically your partner is paying his ex wife to sit on her arse while you and he and his eldest work? He really needs to stop paying for eldest and next dc should be phased out as they leave uni or reach 21. Ex will never not need the money , it's never going to be the right time for her but your partner needs to tell her as they reach 21 it stops.

This would not be your opinion if you were the mother. Which is why step parenting does not work, especially for the children involved.

@Neitheruse Most posters would agree with you and the OP probably would as well.

Giving money directly to an adult child and paying health-related expenses is very different to giving money to their parent -unless the adult child is unable to manage their finances for some reason (due to their health, for example).

I know that I’ll be giving money to my two when they’re in their 20’s, but if DH and I split up, why would I give that money to him instead of them?

Tbh, we encouraged DD (nearly 20) to start managing her own finances when she went to uni. Both DH and I give her money, but we do so separately and the money goes directly to her to manage, except for her tuition fees as I pay the uni. Yes, there’s been a couple of cockups when she forgot to pay her rent on time and incurred interest on her credit card when she paid late -we reminded her for a few months and then she got into the habit.

If she ever moves home, I can’t see her wanting to revert to her parents managing money intended for her. She’d rather be given the money herself and make a contribution to the household expenses.

Does he still love his ex perchance?

My DP has a 24 year old dd who he still pays for, she works PT due to health issues and he pays £200 a month directly to her and we pay for any additional health related costs. She’s absolutely delightful and so grateful for the continued help, in my mind support shouldn’t end abruptly at 18 or when a child is out of education, being a parent is forever ! It also makes me feel a lot more secure that I’m with a decent man who wants to support his children and treats his dd the same as he treats our dc.

Really glad to read that you are going to do nice things for yourself going forward.

At 60 you realise that life moves on quickly and expecting life to always be as you want it is not how things pan out.

Unexpected health issues can change things in an instant.

I have several friends that as the approched retirement found that there husbands had expected THEIR plans to be blindly followed.

A couple had daughters marrying and planned on giving their lump sums upon retirement to their children as house deposits and share their wives better pension pots because they were childless.

There were some very hard conversations as my friends were absolutely not on board with this at all.

Also it came out that they wanted to stay local to be on hand for the first grandchild arriving, again, not what my friend wanted.

They have worked things out ish, by my friends being very very firm with their boundaries over the past 2years.
Pension pots will not be shared.

They have a few single friends that they are happy to do her lovely trips with and one has a widowed sister that loves heading off on trips too.

After Covid we now know that things can stop very quickly.

Do not allow his choices to limit yours is my advice.

I agree with you. I don't care what a partner does with their money, and I don't expect them to be rich or treat me, but I do need them to be on a similar level as me in terms of lifestyle. If I want to go out for dinner or go to the theatre or go on holiday, I want that to be something we can both afford, rather than having to miss out because they can't afford it.

I've been in relationships where if I've wanted to do something/go somewhere, I've had to pay for both of us, because they didn't have the money for it, and I don't want to be in that position any more.

I agree....mine too!

Or the main earner works nights in a B&Q depot and is only just keeping his head above water with day to day living? Not every separated father has thousands to spend on sports cars and new partners

You are definitely not being unreasonable! However, I'm fairly certain that he would have to pay for the youngest two, even though they are 18 and 19, as they are both still in full time education. This only has to be paid until their 20th birthdays.
He shouldn't be paying anything for the 22 year old!

Yes, there must be a million variations. There must also be many split families where the main earner decides that other new and exciting things - a new sports car, a luxury vacation - have priority over his previous children.

Part of their break up was she never wanted to go back to work, would have preferred to be a kept woman with a luxury lifestyle- probably she needed to marry a finance bro in the first place.

Yeah, I’d be willing to bet there are two sides to the story of their split OP. Remember what position you’re in here and who you get your information from.

You might (bizarrely) know what her mortgage payments are but you sure as hell don’t know why they broke up.

I think you’re really overstepping the mark here getting so involved.

@VindalooVindalooVindalooVindalooLaLa As I previously quoted from .gov.uk OP, your DH has no obligation, legally or morally, to support his 22yr old DC (even moreso when they're working!). I don't even know why this would even be a debate in your household. If I were your DH, I would give the ex notice (whatever he thinks is reasonable for his ex to rearrange her household finances) of ceasing CM for the eldest. She may well create a fuss but she doesn't have a leg to stand on. How much longer does she seriously think your DH should continue paying for his eldest adult child?

Op just like you I was in all those roles too and I don’t think you are being unreasonable . If f she is that useless and refusing to work then it seems she might cause issues with the youngest of your partner was to stops maintence to all?
I can see your issue , makes nil sense to support adult children , specially when it seems he is supporting her and not the children

The bit that would really stick in my throat is that exW didn’t contribute to the uni costs but kept the money , even when only housing/feeding students in the holidays (assuming they lived out??). Agree with the majority - stop funding the working adult, they need to cover their own housing costs and probably should be contributing to Mum the same as the maintenance she’ll lose. Give maintenance directly to the one at uni and be clear it stops on graduation, do the same for the 18 year old from September assuming they go to uni. I think I’d stop the adult payments now but otherwise say this starts in September and that gives everyone time to arrange their finances for the next academic year.

His exW is laughing her wotsits off!! Your DH is a mug. CM stops at 18 and anything after that you decide to give goes straight to the children. What on earth is he thinking?!

Fair enough, OP. FWIW, I have no agenda, as I am neither a divorcée, nor a stepmum. Child support is for children, not grown adults with degrees and jobs. I agree with you that your DH should pay until they leave for uni, then pay DC directly whilst they are students. Then stop once they are no longer students.

Looking into my crystal ball, my guess is that he will never stop paying XW—there will always be an adult child popping into her house for whatever reason, and he will see that as a reason to pay. He will probably be paying child maintenance for 30-something adults who are parents themselves.

There must be many split families where the main earner just can’t afford it.

My husband was the same - I think he felt like he was abandoning them. But eventually he stopped paying eldest when he started work. Youngest he paid directly all through university and until about 6 months after they got a job. but he found it hard in the end I had to point out that he was 1. Not being fair on his other three kids and 2. Enabling the youngest to be lazy

I think providing they are working then it’s ok to stop. Just give a couple of months notice.

I think he should still pay for the youngest.
Maybe directly help the middle child and not pay towards the eldest at all.

However, they all need parental help with housing atm, maybe he's paying to facilitate that?
Maybe without this support, the family home would not be there.
He does need a plan to stop paying though.