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Original poster

Is this a horrible thought to have ( autism )

64 replies

Marigoldsold · 22/04/2025 20:50

My child is autistic. He is 19.

He on one hand has quite significant needs - more socially really. Hard to make friends , can have meltdown’s that are quite hard on them- can verge on aggressive ( not to other people physically ) , very black and white view of the world, very naive . Get overwhelmed easy. Likes going out alone , but this is a big worry for me ( I tend to track , be around where I know he is ) . Struggles with lots of things but won’t accept help - hates his autism , sees it as a bad thing , will think of any reason why he is acting how he is so that he can say it’s not autism. Will not accept help unless I admit that others who are not autistic need the same help . I have to play off that I’m not helping him because he can’t do it , It’s because I want to etc . Struggles with friendships because he becomes obsessive and takes any ‘rejection’ ( eg not replying to a message ) to heart. Lots of things to be honest . I feel I’m constantly trying to keep him calm and happy ( struggling with mental health , starting to see a counsellor ) .

He desperately wants independence. He desperately wants a girlfriend ( although I don’t think he is ready ) he wants a job ( he could not handle being overwhelmed or being told what to do - he would take it as criticism. He’s at college so I can hold off on that for a bit .

I explain it as him having quite significant needs but being in this kind of grey area of having full awareness of it . He’s aware that he isn’t doing what others his age are , that he isn’t “ the same “ . To me he’s still like a child - maybe a 13 year old - in some aspects but in others he isn’t , he’s a 19 year old.

I work with young adults with very high level needs . I do not for a second doubt that it is not hard for them. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for their parents. But the people I work with have no desire for independence, no thoughts of wanting to live independent or get a job etc ( they won’t in all honesty ) they are very much still like children , but I will say they are happy. Not all - some have a lot of heartbreaking issues - but some, are just so happy .

I know I am lucky in the fact that it’s likely my son will be able to live semi independently at some point - in supported living . For example he would be fine to be left alone overnight - not that I have - but if he had everything he needed , he didn’t try to use the oven etc ( which he wouldn’t ) and he didn’t have to actually do anything . So I have no doubt that one day he could live in a supported living setup with someone ( or me ) popping in to help out - manage finances , go shopping with him etc - at some point . I know the people I work with will never have that and I can’t imagine the worry of the parents for when they aren’t around so I know what I’m going to say now is something not really thought out and may seem selfish … I’m just sharing a dark thought that I can’t share with anyone in real life .

Sometimes, when he’s crying to me about being lonely and not being able to live a ‘normal’ life I think to myself …. Would it be easier if he was more severely autistic to the point he had no awareness that he was different ? So he just enjoyed day to day life , took joy in the things he liked , without worrying and being sad about pretty much just watching everyone live a life that he can’t ?

Im a terrible person aren’t I

OP posts:
AnotherNC321 · 22/04/2025 21:11

As others have said be gentle on yourself.

I must be so difficult watching your son struggle. You sound like a brilliant mum. Your son is very lucky to have you.

RedHelenB · 22/04/2025 21:09

Are there no other teenagers with autism at college? Mostly in high school they tend to cone together ime.

Curvyandstrongblondie · 22/04/2025 21:07

I feel exactly the same. My son has just turned 18, and though very very intelligent, he’s also very autistic. Has no friends, no interest in having any. Severe anxiety and depression which he’s on meds for now and going to CBT thankfully! Games all day and all night, dropped out of his alevels due to anxiety, supposed to be finishing them in September but we will see. Can’t work a part time job as he won’t leave his room, can’t handle noise, or people in general. Is getting extremely overweight as he uses food as a sensory need. I have tried everything possible to help him. It’s driven my to my knees. I get very little love back from him. He’s not got much empathy unless for animals. I feel like I put all my love, time and energy into him and I may as well love a brick wall. I know it’s terrible to say but sometimes I wish he wasn’t as intelligent and everything that goes with it because he would be easier to love and I would be less hurt at the constant rejection from him. I feel like there isn’t much hope for the future and I never thought I’d say this when he was younger but it’s gotten so much harder as he’s got older. He was a loving little boy. He’s still my everything but it’s absolutely the hardest most unrewarding job I have ever done with no end in sight.
I feel for you OP, you are not alone.

Bboy1234 · 22/04/2025 21:07

Not terrible at all. My son is only 11 but this year has really realised just how different he is, to the point he had a bit of breakdown and tried to harm himself. After lots of time with the crisis team and a reduced school timetable he told me last week he is actually enjoying his life again and accepts himself but I know that could change at any time (especially as he will be moving to an SEMH school in September and he hated the idea as it made him feel even more 'different')

This is why people say high and low needs can be damaging in diagnosis, the world may see a low needs child / adult but whats going in for them is so difficult

Theunamedcat · 22/04/2025 21:06

I've one autistic enough to be mostly unaware of his differences (in a special school now) and one who isn't who struggles in mainstream struggles with friendship struggles with personal care everything is prompted even now he should have taken his meds the alarm reminder went off he muted it and forgot all about it I've got to go in and remind him again

MsNevermore · 22/04/2025 21:05

You are not a horrible person.

I would bet every parent of a child with a disability or life altering medical condition, myself included, has wished at some point or another that their child’s life could be easier.

That’s all I’m seeing from your post. You love your son, and seeing him struggle must be incredibly hard. Like any parent, wishing you could take away that struggle is normal I think.

Maraudingmarauders · 22/04/2025 21:02

A terrible mother for wishing your son had an easier road than the one laid out for him? I think that’s all any mother wishes. Be gentle on yourself.

Purplestorm83 · 22/04/2025 21:02

This is why level 1 autism is no longer referred to as high functioning - just because people don’t require a lot of support doesn’t mean they are ‘functioning’ better than someone with much higher needs. I’m really sorry you and your son are going through this, has he had any therapy?

Hollowvoice · 22/04/2025 21:00

You are not terrible. Autism can be so hard. I have two, both younger than yours and while I think one of them will grow and flourish and live a good life on their own terms I can't currently see how the other will manage it.

Odras · 22/04/2025 21:00

It is so perfectly normal for all of us to want our kids to be happy.

Odras · 22/04/2025 20:59

No you’re not at all. I’ve a cousin with a disability like this and her mother often laments that she is too aware of her differences compared to some of the higher needs kids in her school.

PigInADuvet · 22/04/2025 20:56

Not a terrible person at all for wishing your child's life was easier and the world was easier for them to navigate.

Mine is much younger (primary school age) and as yet is wonderfully oblivious that he is any different to his peers. I hope that does continue for him.

Original poster
Marigoldsold · 22/04/2025 20:55

JulietSierra · 22/04/2025 20:52

No, you aren’t a terrible person. It’s just a thought. We all have unpleasant thoughts at times. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Thank you. I just feel like I should be grateful with how he is , compared to others , but it’s so hard to be when he’s so tormented and I can’t help him. When he was younger he was never aware and he wasn’t this sad and upset - he was just him in his own little world and happy and he was safe and now I feel like I don’t know how to keep him mentally safe anymore .

OP posts:
JulietSierra · 22/04/2025 20:52

No, you aren’t a terrible person. It’s just a thought. We all have unpleasant thoughts at times. Stop being so hard on yourself.