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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP won’t reach out to his daughter

62 replies

MrsPicklalott · 22/04/2025 20:45

Hi,

DP and I have been together for 4 years, he has one biological child, she’s 25 now. When we met she was living abroad, we believe in Lebanon or Jordan. She met a man from wherever she moved to at 18 while at uni, dropped out and moved with him, converted to Islam etc. She cut all ties with DP and her mum.

We found out recently she has moved back, some things aren’t clear, we know she has multiple children, we know she is back in her home town and we know she is heavily involved with the church in the town (maybe working for them we aren’t sure). We only know this as my DP still has a friend in the town (he left the town when we met). We aren’t clear on many things such as where the man she married is, if they are still married etc. We don’t know how many children she has or their ages etc. All we know from this friend is she is working for the church (Catholic) so we assume no longer practicing Islam and has children with her.

I’ve begged DP to reach out, I’ve found a Facebook page of hers which seems to have been last used in 2024 so she may still be using it. Otherwise we know the church she seems to be involved with and can go up and try and find her.

I have adult children of my own and I can’t imagine ever being in a position where this is the predicament but if I were I’d be on the first train to them and holding them so tight.

My DP is reluctant saying she would have reached out if she wanted to, and we need to give her space.

AIBU to be upset he hasn’t reached out? Should he?

OP posts:
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Pinkl · 26/04/2025 07:44

I imagine having your daughter cut all contact to the point you don’t even know which country she is must be terrifying. At the moment he knows she is alive and where she is and presumably she is safe..? Perhaps he is scared of rocking the boat and her moving and him not knowing she is safe and well. it’s hard to know, but you’ve said he recently found out that she is back so give him some time.

Cynic17 · 26/04/2025 07:34

W0tnow · 22/04/2025 21:19

Absolutely I would encourage him to reach out. A message saying “I love you and I’ve missed you” surely can’t hurt.

Of course it can hurt if the daughter doesn't want to speak to him. It will be hugely upsetting for her.

MoreChocPls · 26/04/2025 07:26

Is the mother reaching out to her?

sorry but your dh is an arse. He should be a grown up and reach out once more.

Loopytiles · 26/04/2025 07:25

You had and still have the option to date / live with your DP or not. I’d not want to date someone who didn’t have contact with their adult DC for his stated reasons and wasn’t seeking to re establish contact.

Other than that, not your business.

arcticpandas · 26/04/2025 07:22

Can the friend who told you about this pass a message from DP that he would love to see her but respect her privacy and give her his contact info? That way she can decide if she wants to see him and won't feel pushed. Ofcourse your DP has to want this

rwalker · 26/04/2025 07:15

I think you have to walk in someone’s shoe to judge the on something like it
there’s very obviously a lot more to this and massive back story

you can’t give honest advice and be judge and jury by reading a few lines of one sided text

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/04/2025 09:56

Friendship fall out, racism and discrimination http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5321733-friendship-fall-out-racism-and-discrimination?msgid=-5321733#-5321733

Is this the daughter?! Seems so similar

SheridansPortSalut · 24/04/2025 01:05

Stay out of it.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 24/04/2025 00:52

I couldn't look at my DP the same way again if I was you.
She sounds vulnerable and as though she has been through a lot, he's her dad, he should try at least once.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/04/2025 00:40

Her husband maybe convinced her that all her family hate her own

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/04/2025 00:39

Even stranger that the mother hadn't sent her a friend request or turned up at the church

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 24/04/2025 00:34

justasking111 · 23/04/2025 21:52

I'd respect the privacy of a 25 year old woman with children. You really have no idea of her life between the age of 18 and 25. It might have been very difficult.

She can reach out to her mother through FB. But hasn't.

We have friends whose daughter did this. Went out to the middle east. Met and married had children. Her parents have money so the daughter, husband and family came here when they bought a house for them to live in. BUT they still tread very carefully in case they lose her again.

She's probably been the victim of coercive control. She may feel that after what she did, she can't reach out to her parents again.

She's had children while still very young - 25 is no age - and lord only knows what she has been through in the meantime! I'm sorry but I couldn't just let that go!

healthybychristmas · 24/04/2025 00:23

He wouldn't be the man for me. I appreciate he has to respect her decision but he hasn't given her the choice to decide right now. Everything in her life has changed since she stopped contact and he has moved away. If he wasn't desperate to contact her and tell her that he was there for her then I would lose respect for him.

justasking111 · 23/04/2025 21:52

I'd respect the privacy of a 25 year old woman with children. You really have no idea of her life between the age of 18 and 25. It might have been very difficult.

She can reach out to her mother through FB. But hasn't.

We have friends whose daughter did this. Went out to the middle east. Met and married had children. Her parents have money so the daughter, husband and family came here when they bought a house for them to live in. BUT they still tread very carefully in case they lose her again.

123EndOfRope67 · 23/04/2025 21:34

I'd be very disappointed in him. It really says a lot about him.

Christwosheds · 23/04/2025 21:32

ACynicalDad · 22/04/2025 21:20

In her position I can imagine being really embarrassed and not reaching out, perhaps get an intermediary (maybe this friend) to go to her church and say he would love her to reach out but won't push anything and will respect her decision unless she gives a signal she wants him to contact her or makes contact herself. Could even give her his number - just in case she hasn't got it anymore.

I agree with this.

Foodoverload · 23/04/2025 20:26

My DP has not seen his daughter in 3 years. Not his choice and he doesn’t know why. He used to see her weekly and helped her with her bills when she was at uni. He helped her move in with boyfriend after uni and the she stopped contacting him. He has reached out many times and silence. Last time he saw her it was all fine.

He is hurt and doesn’t know what to do. Said he’d would accept it if he knew a reason. He had gone to her flat but they moved. Facebook is the only way he knows what she is doing.

but DP has not spoken to his mum for about 10 years. She tries to chat to him but he is not interested. He says she betrayed him and doesn’t want to talk about it. Seems a family trait

Sassybooklover · 23/04/2025 19:39

It sounds as if your DP's daughter met and married a man, that pressurised her into cutting contact with her family. She was then isolated from her family and stuck in another country, probably married to a man, who turned out not to be the man she thought he was. It may be that she's come home, with her children and hasn't got in contact with her parents because she feels embarrassed and ashamed. She may be worried her parents hate her for cutting them out of her life, and has no idea how to mend fences. Yes, in an ideal world, your partner should try and contact his daughter, and let her know he loves her, is worried and is there for her if she needs him. However, your partner could be scared she's going to reject him, all over again, and it's a case of self preservation, rather than him not caring. Ultimately, all you can do is encourage your partner, but the decision is solely his to make.

BeeCucumber · 23/04/2025 19:27

Let your DP make contact.

bigboykitty · 23/04/2025 19:27

Your partner's attitude is a cause for concern. Obviously it's not uncommon for fathers to feel that they don't have to take any responsibility or that the child should be the one to initiate contact. It's not appropriate to encourage or pressurise him. Pretty poor though, isn't it?

bigboykitty · 23/04/2025 19:23

rwalker · 22/04/2025 21:30

She cut all ties including her mum think it was down to religious reasons rather than than shit parents

Show quote history

Oh okay. Thanks for explaining. 🤦🏻‍♀️

ViaBlue · 23/04/2025 19:19

Maybe he feels she should be the one reaching out after she cut all contact....

PassingStranger · 23/04/2025 19:16

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 21:24

I would my partner wasn’t doing anything to reach out to his dd in those circumstances, it would completely change the way I see him tbh.

Yes she cut ties.
But she is back her THEIR home town. She might well have thought he was still living there. He could easily drop her a message to say his door is still and always open and to contact him xxxx number.

Perhaps the door is not open
It's his choice

Original poster
MrsPicklalott · 23/04/2025 19:12

justasking111 · 23/04/2025 19:09

Is her mother still in the same town, or contactable on social media?

No but her mother is closer (an hour away maybe) and her mum has Facebook.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 23/04/2025 19:09

Is her mother still in the same town, or contactable on social media?