Page 2 | To drink every night?

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:49

CC222 · 22/04/2025 20:42

You’re trauma bonded to him. But he is also very manipulative and abusive because he knows these threats are keeping you tied to him.
Stop being so involved in helping him because he is using that as a way to play you.
Try distance yourself as much as possible and just focus on your own healing.
Also, those hundreds of good days do not cancel out the toxic environment that this relationship is.
As hard as it is, when those memories of good times creep in, remind yourself of the reasons why you’re here today. Because this relationship isn’t healthy and it’s caused enough damage to you all as a family.
Stay strong, your future version of you will feel so grateful to your present version of you for making these necessary changes. Keep going, you can do this x

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Yes this makes sense. I need peace and quiet, distance. I need to just focus on myself. The kids are quite self sufficient and surprisingly resilient and busy in their own lives ...in a way hyper focus on being not involved and I don't blame them

They worry about me and I try to be positive etc.

The youngest is an over protective worrier hence reporting to others my 'drinking'

I'm just utterly exhausted. I know it's lazy coward way out to block out my over active worrying catastrophic mind with wine.

Thank you for kindness. Ive been holding this in too much and I am grateful

OP posts:

LuluDelulu · 22/04/2025 20:49

It sounds awful OP and I’m so sorry but the kids are right. You need to stop drinking.

Icanttakethisanymore · 22/04/2025 20:46

Knoblauch1664 · 22/04/2025 20:44

This is not the right forum to ask about alcohol consumption and get a sensible answer.

She’s not asking if her consumption is sensible, she knows it’s not.

pompey38 · 22/04/2025 20:45

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:15

My husband and I are currently separating. It's really fucking sad as we love each other, trauma bonded my therapist says, but his mental illness has fucked up the kids. He's really related me badly. I can't explain here. I can't type it all out.

Believe me although it's his actions...suicide attempts the main fucked the kids (early twenties now) up thing, I'm culpable too, as I kept giving him chances, looking after him. I really believed my marriage vows. But now I realize the untold negatives and pain

So it's over. He's moving out once he gets a flat.

I'm drinking a bottle of wine a night..eating crap.

I've got Endo and need a hysterectomy

I'm washed up out of date ugly as fuck. Exhausted
Twenty five years down the toilet. The Shame of my failed life

Anyway kids are moaning I'm drinking too much
Try doing this sober

That’s exactly what’s happening when women put men before their kids and themselves, in life you need to be a bit selfish. Hopefully not irreversible damage has been done and in time you can find yourself again.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/04/2025 20:45

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:35

Yes I will pull myself together. I always do. I'll be there for them .I'll keep working
I love my kids very much

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You need to love your kids enough to live for them, which means no more alcohol. You’ve become dependent on it and once you’re at that point you can’t easily go back to just having the odd drink here and there, so pour the rest of tonights down the sink and do not buy any more.

Knoblauch1664 · 22/04/2025 20:44

This is not the right forum to ask about alcohol consumption and get a sensible answer.

CC222 · 22/04/2025 20:42

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:33

Thank you. I will seek more help I'm so sad. He's already frightening me, threatening suicide again, because I've made this end to it. I'm comforting him trying to keep him strong enough to get a flat. I realize how fear of him dying has held me in this limbo.
But we also had hundreds and hundreds of happy days. He is only person who really understands or likes me. He makes me laugh. He looks after me too. It's not he's evil I'm good
It's a mess.

Show quote history

You’re trauma bonded to him. But he is also very manipulative and abusive because he knows these threats are keeping you tied to him.
Stop being so involved in helping him because he is using that as a way to play you.
Try distance yourself as much as possible and just focus on your own healing.
Also, those hundreds of good days do not cancel out the toxic environment that this relationship is.
As hard as it is, when those memories of good times creep in, remind yourself of the reasons why you’re here today. Because this relationship isn’t healthy and it’s caused enough damage to you all as a family.
Stay strong, your future version of you will feel so grateful to your present version of you for making these necessary changes. Keep going, you can do this x

Wolfiefan · 22/04/2025 20:39

You are far from worthless. I bet other people like you. You deserve that.

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:35

Mrsttcno1 · 22/04/2025 20:30

I’m sorry OP but you’ve not done your kids any favours if you’ve left one person who fucked them up and yet became another person who fucks them up by turning into a drunk.

Sort yourself out, if not for you then for your kids. If you can’t do that then you may as well go back to him because you’re not saving them from harm the way you are now.

Yes I will pull myself together. I always do. I'll be there for them .I'll keep working
I love my kids very much

OP posts:

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:34

Ohmeohmygoodness · 22/04/2025 20:29

Alcohol is a depressant.
If you're depressed already the drink is only making things worse.
And you are obviously feeling low about your appearance. If you stop drinking it will do wonders for your skin and your weight and just generally how you look.
And alcohol may knock you out but you don't get a good quality sleep so that will be adding to your exhaustion.

Goodness knows I don't want to preach. I've got a long history of a troubled relationship with alcohol and using it to self medicate. But honestly since I bit the bullet and stopped drinking it is easier to cope with life.

I'm.sorry you are going through such a difficult time OP.

Edited

Thank you for caring for me in this moment. I feel very worthless. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:33

CC222 · 22/04/2025 20:28

Drinking is a coping mechanism, but a very damaging one and all it does it prolong the pain as you will still have to face it at some point.
Its really sad what you’re going through, I can sense the heartache and pain in your post. Is it possible to get more therapy to help you through the process of grieving your marriage and to help you heal?
You’ve tolerated so much over the years in the name of love, but where was the love for yourself. It’s time to give yourself the love you need and deserve so you can move on in a healthy way and ensure that no more damage comes to you or your relationship with your children.
Sadly, you also have to accept that you can’t help your husband through this either, it’s possible his own mental health will take a decline at some point again but that’s not your responsibility, it’s his own.
Try to focus on finding the best ways to help you get through this truly difficult time in a healthy way that won’t cause you more harm..
Sending love 💕

Thank you. I will seek more help I'm so sad. He's already frightening me, threatening suicide again, because I've made this end to it. I'm comforting him trying to keep him strong enough to get a flat. I realize how fear of him dying has held me in this limbo.
But we also had hundreds and hundreds of happy days. He is only person who really understands or likes me. He makes me laugh. He looks after me too. It's not he's evil I'm good
It's a mess.

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 22/04/2025 20:31

What sad situation for all of you

OP, you deserve a better life than this. And the fact you posted here tells me you know alcohol isn't the solution

Good luck

Mrsttcno1 · 22/04/2025 20:30

I’m sorry OP but you’ve not done your kids any favours if you’ve left one person who fucked them up and yet became another person who fucks them up by turning into a drunk.

Sort yourself out, if not for you then for your kids. If you can’t do that then you may as well go back to him because you’re not saving them from harm the way you are now.

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:29

This thread was me being accountable.
I'll not drink going forward. It's just a short term panacea
Perhaps I just wanted to throw my hands up and stop being the responsible hold it together one

OP posts:

Ohmeohmygoodness · 22/04/2025 20:29

Alcohol is a depressant.
If you're depressed already the drink is only making things worse.
And you are obviously feeling low about your appearance. If you stop drinking it will do wonders for your skin and your weight and just generally how you look.
And alcohol may knock you out but you don't get a good quality sleep so that will be adding to your exhaustion.

Goodness knows I don't want to preach. I've got a long history of a troubled relationship with alcohol and using it to self medicate. But honestly since I bit the bullet and stopped drinking it is easier to cope with life.

I'm.sorry you are going through such a difficult time OP.

CC222 · 22/04/2025 20:28

Drinking is a coping mechanism, but a very damaging one and all it does it prolong the pain as you will still have to face it at some point.
Its really sad what you’re going through, I can sense the heartache and pain in your post. Is it possible to get more therapy to help you through the process of grieving your marriage and to help you heal?
You’ve tolerated so much over the years in the name of love, but where was the love for yourself. It’s time to give yourself the love you need and deserve so you can move on in a healthy way and ensure that no more damage comes to you or your relationship with your children.
Sadly, you also have to accept that you can’t help your husband through this either, it’s possible his own mental health will take a decline at some point again but that’s not your responsibility, it’s his own.
Try to focus on finding the best ways to help you get through this truly difficult time in a healthy way that won’t cause you more harm..
Sending love 💕

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:27

The irony is now I want to end my life
But I would never do that to them.But I'm very tired of it all

OP posts:

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:25

2024onwardsandup · 22/04/2025 20:18

Your poor children

Yes. I pity them having us as parents.

You see I should never have had children.

I wasn't fit to be a mother. I am too weak.

I tried to be a good mother. I did 150% 3 jobs at times. They did have happy times. They did. They say they are happy. They just worry.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 22/04/2025 20:25

But if you drink that much you’ll end up drinking yourself slowly (or quickly) to death. Your drinking is affecting your kids.
If you’re depressed and having suicidal thoughts (even fleetingly) you need to speak to your GP.
You deserve to be well and happy but that’s a process.

Gemmawemma9 · 22/04/2025 20:24

Sounds really tough. I do sympathise but drinking will make you feel so much worse-physically, mentally and emotionally. Also, not to lay on the mum guilt but…your kids really need your support. Don’t wallow in it, step up and put your kids needs first. They don’t need to worry about their mum as well as everything else they’re dealing with.

UndermyShoeJoe · 22/04/2025 20:24

If your children are crying out for you to stop drinking you have a drink problem.

For them and the trauma they have already experienced with their father and are now experiencing from you please stop.

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:23

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/04/2025 20:19

How old are your children? Now is the time to step up and put them first.

Early twenties. One lives with me. Others are studying and visit.

OP posts:

Original poster

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/04/2025 20:22

I'm just so depressed. I feel I loved him was loyal brought his kids up worked full time when he was too ill, then he becomes addicted to things and messes our kids up. Worst thing us I empathize with his madness as I understand his childhood trauma that led to this. I wish I hated him or felt nothing but it's just messed up.

When I'm driving I lose time. I think about driving into walls.

I am seeing a therapist

I know it's not good for me

I'm in pain doesn't help. If I'm drinking I don't take painkillers. The alcohol knocks me out. Otherwise I think over all our life together I can't sleep. I play it out

OP posts:

AmIAloneInThinking · 22/04/2025 20:21

You are in a horrible situation and awful things have happened to you.
You are drinking too much.
You can change this.
You have choices.

IDontLikePinaColadas · 22/04/2025 20:20

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Whilst I haven’t been what you’re going through I have been in a very dark place in the past and trust me drinking doesn’t help. You think it helps at the time but believe me it doesn’t.