To drink every night?

The best advice I can give you is to join a gym, or swim.
Honestly. The hardest part is starting.
Set basic goals to start, like I will go twice a week, and walk every day. Download ebooks and walk to them. Life starts tomorrow.

The thing about alcohol is that although it seems relaxing at the time, it's a depressant. It actually makes you feel worse overall, with a lower mood all the next day, and makes everything harder to cope with.

It's a failed marriage, not a failed life. It sounds like your kids are all doing OK, and they love you. That's success. It won't always feel this bad. This is the hardest part.

Cut the wine to no more than a third of the bottle a day, and make the effort to eat healthier: protein, fish oils, lots of veg, fibre. And exercise - get out in the air and light and walk briskly for at least 30 min a day. It DOES make you feel better. Sometimes it's hard to get started, but you're always glad you did after. It will make you fitter and stronger mentally and physically, and better able to think clearly and cope with things. Tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself do it: tell yourself you don't want to worry the kids, remind yourself of the more superficial stuff if it helps (if you're unhappy with your appearance, booze and crap food will worsen it). You'll sleep better, you'll think clearer, you'll gradually gain confidence in your ability to cope. And, slowly, things will get better.

How are you feeling today OP?x

Can your husband go and stay with family or friends whilst he finds a flat? You're obviously a caring person who wants to help him, but you're struggling yourself right now and need to put your own wellbeing first. Having him around all the time won't be helping, especially if he's depressed and threatening suicide.

Could you plan a night at the cinema with a friend or your DC? Something to get you out of the house and break the habit of opening a bottle with dinner. No judgement from me as I've definitely used alcohol as an emotional crutch many times before. Start with small steps, pick one night where you won't drink and get something simple and healthy to cook for dinner. Those pre prepared stir fry bags of veg plus chicken etc are my go to when I'm struggling with depression.

OP I have been through similar with an ex partner who used the threat of suicide as a lever of control. After I left him over a period of about two years he would routinely threaten to kill himself, send me videos of himself popping pills, he once called me to tell me he was about to hang himself and I had to call the police out in the middle of the night. I had a toddler at the time and was living on my own. I was terrified of what his suicide would do to our child.

In the end he didn’t kill himself: he was briefly hospitalized and then realised it was on him to sort himself out, not me. Hes now mainly stable and we have a fairly good relationship.

It’s hard but you need to toughen up and stop allowing him to use this to control you. Your instinct to protect and mother him is prolonging this.
I know it goes against all your instincts but if you keep letting him derail you like this you will never be free of it. He almost certainly won’t kill himself, he just enjoys being locked in this codependent spiral.

The alcohol is bad but you know this and you know you have to kick its arse. But first and foremost you need to decouple yourself from the responsibility of keeping him alive. It’s not your responsibility. If he really wants to kill himself he will, regardless of how much hand holding you provide but bottom line is he doesn’t want to, he enjoys the control it gives him over you and his ability to delay taking responsibility. It’s selfish.

I assume he is receiving support for his mental health? If he isn’t that it a priority. Then leave it in the hands of the professionals and slowly, compassionately start to extricate yourself from this. You need to stop worrying about him and focus on you.

Dear one, I so recognise your mindset right now because it's exactly how I feel when I self-medicate despair with alcohol - the hopelessness and self-recrimination - only able to see the worst - this is the effect of those chemicals, on top of whatever you're already feeling.

Please give yourself a big hug right now, then start treating yourself as you would any invalid - with gentle encouragement, lots of sleep (or at least rest if sleep won't come) and healthy food. Get a walk every day, even a short one, out in the fresh air. Keep things very simple for now. Decide today to make it all about self-care going forward, and you will get through this next stage of life.

Your kids clearly love you and care about you, which is wonderful, but I know you can't 'do it for them' - you're at a time of life when many women go through a reckoning and decide to change how they live, so you are not alone.

Try to turn this situation into an opportunity - but slowly, step by step. Things will get better!

🤗

My poor friend. His Dad drank himself to death and then a few years later his Mum. The guy is not even 30, yet has all of this to cope with. It is horrendous and having a huge impact on his self esteem.

I know you’ve been through so much, but I believe you can stop drinking with support. Please to find AA or another support group and keep posting on here. You can do it.

The weather is coming nicer now, instead of sitting inside drinking all night go out for a long walk.
The fresh air will tire you out, you will definitely sleep better. When you get back run a bath (assuming you have one) and have a soak before bed, take a cup of caffeine free tea up with you.
You need to break the habit, drinking every night is a slippery slope (I have been on holiday for the last week and drank daily-I don't feel great right now but could happily have another drink tonight, I won't though).
You need to stop whilst you can.

This sounds like exactly what happened to my mum. My dad left when we were young adults and she used alcohol to cope. Unfortunately she didn’t stop until it was too late (20 years later) and she is in her 70s and she’s like a 90 year old as her brain is fucked. It’s no fun. You’ll honest cope better without the booze, it’ll make you feel so much worse in the long run.

Oh OP i’m so sorry.

Quit drinking, eat healthily, get some form of exercise (even if just a daily walk for now) and try and sort your sleep - this will only ever help you cope with what life throws at you so is a great place to start. Some guided meditation apps on Spotify / YouTube may help.

as for everything else take it step by step, day by day and try not to think too far ahead into the future as it will likely overwhelm you and who knows what will happen.

i hope you’ve got people around to support xxx

Don't be too down on yourself. You're going through a once in a lifetime situation and sound really depressed.

A bottle of wine a night isn't ideal but as a short term thing isn't the worst.

Get the little bottles. 3 of those is 3/4 of a bottle. And 2 is half a bottle.

50 isn't old and you will get through this

I drank every night for a couple of months when I was getting divorced - not a whole bottle but at least two glasses. Then when I was through the worst of it I stopped drinking during the week. It's not ideal but sometimes when you're going through hell you use what you need to use to get through the immediate.

Pull your head out the toilet.
your life is not over. You’re not unattractive, nobody is saying or believing that. You are.
I know it’s sad and your husband is getting a flat. It’s an awful thing you are going through but remember you wouldn’t be going through it all if your marriage was in a healthy state. This is for the best. For you and your kids.
a trauma bond is so hard to break. All them chemicals in your brain, keeping you addicted. Keep working with your therapist and seek help via any other means.
lots of good trauma bond advice on TikTok, without having to sign up for things.
the kids need you. You need you. Do not give up on yourself. This is a new chapter in your life and although you think it looks bleak, it’s not.
seek help for your trauma bond
grieve your marriage
it wasn’t a waste of time, it wasn’t.
focus on you again.

come on. You’re gonna be alright.

Be kind to yourself at this time. You’re hurting and no one always manages to process hurt in the most healthy way. Forgive yourself for anything you may feel guilty for, you done your best at the time.
Take it one day at a time, you know what you need to do now to get through this in a healthy way for yourself. You’re already making changes, keep going with that. Be proud of yourself too, this sure as hell isn’t easy! But you’re on that journey now and things will become a lot easier once you focus on self love, self care, healing and utilising resources that will help you such as therapy… You’ve got this x

Get yourself over to the alcohol support board definitely! We’re a lovely bunch. And yes we care. Keep going!!! Posting on here was a huge step.

Before this gets deleted - please come over to the alcohol support board @HedgehogOnTheBike

I’m really sorry, OP. Being with an addict isn’t for the faint hearted, but it seems like he uses his addiction and whatever trauma he may have as an excuse for everything, including mistreating his family.

Get him out of the family home. Give your children some peace, even if you choose to support him from a distance.

You never know, maybe the physical distance will finally help him seek the help he needs. But for now you need to help yourself.

@HedgehogOnTheBike I totally understand. You need time to grieve. Drinking blots it out. But it makes life harder and brings its own issues. It’s hard when you stop drinking as the hurt and feelings feel raw. Can you think of other ways you can deal with things? Maybe allow yourself a certain amount of time to be sad in the evening then do something to switch your brain off-TV/yoga/friend/walk? It gets easier (I’m 5 years alcohol free so I know).

You can do this. Life will be more peaceful without your ex. Less mind games and stress. Less self loathing without the alcohol. Keep thinking about your kids. They deserve the best you.

When has alcohol ever made a bad situation better?

It’s not lazy or cowardly.
You are feeling desperate.
You just need different strategies.

That sounds so hard. Alcohol will not be helping you. Try really hard to stop. It makes everything so much worse. It’s a depressant and will make you feel worse about yourself. You seem locked in a negative cycle of thought about your husband. I think you need to focus on the practical. Each day at a time. Put in place some things to make you feel better. Get out into nature. See friends. Go for a walk. Simple things.

And lastly and most importantly, you really need to put your kids above your husband. There seems to be a dramatic romantic storyline you’re concocting here. Step back from it. Cut it off.

Good luck.

Try Jason Vale’s book ‘Kick the drink’ x