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Original poster

meddling MIL following late husband

144 replies

GoldenHammer · 22/04/2025 14:23

This year, I really wanted things to feel more positive, but I’m finding it hard — especially when it comes to my in-laws, and more specifically, my mother-in-law.
My husband died in an accident about two years ago. For a while, I was attending group therapy, which helped at the time. But eventually, it started to feel like we were just going over the same things again and again. Personally, I think grief can either become a part of your growth or it can consume you. At some point, I felt like if I kept going, I’d end up running one of the support groups myself, like it had become my whole identity.

That’s not to say I want to forget the happy years I had with my husband — far from it. But I also don’t want to live under a constant black veil of mourning for the rest of my life.

The problem is, my mother-in-law is still deeply in it. She’s really struggling, and honestly, I find it emotionally exhausting. Every time she calls, we end up reliving everything again. I can’t even share anything remotely positive without it being shut down or made to feel inappropriate. For example, I recently took my son abroad, just the two of us — something that felt like a step forward, our version of a new normal — and she said, “Oh, I wouldn’t have gone away just yet. You’re probably not ready.”

When she visits, she insists that I put back up a particular photo we used at the funeral. I still have plenty of photos of my husband around — that’s not the issue — but that one is heavy for me. I don’t want it to be the first thing I see every morning. She’ll talk about how it’s too soon to move on, how we can’t forget — and I just find myself shutting down around her.

It sounds harsh, but I just want some lightness in my life again. She constantly brings the energy back to a very morbid place, and I’m trying to build something hopeful for myself and my son. I’ll never forget my husband. He was a huge part of my life. But I also can’t live forever in a space of mourning.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding her — not because I don’t care, but because I genuinely dread the conversations.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it okay for me to ask her — gently but firmly — to back off a little and let me live the life I’m trying to rebuild?

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/04/2025 16:14

Oh… one additional thought. Don’t feel like you have to mange her grief. You don’t have to sit her down and make it a big thing. You don’t have to get her into counseling, ease a transition, or anything else.

She’s grieving and his mother yes and that’s hard. But you’re not responsible for her emotional state

MyLittleNest · 22/04/2025 16:13

Your grief shouldn't have to be on her terms. I understand some arguments just aren't worth the fallout, especially as it doesn't sound like she takes a gentle no as an answer, nor does she seem to respect your wishes when it comes to the photo. It wasn't appropriate of her to say you shouldn't have taken your son on a trip. She can think it, but she shouldn't say it. Even then, it's sad that she feels this way. She should have been happy for her grandchild. You have a responsibility to your child and it sounds like you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation to still make his life as normal as possible, and that should absolutely include some happy experiences.

While I have sympathy for your MIL, she is not helping herself or you. I would absolutely distance myself from MIL at this point. You have to consider your mental health and your son's best interest.

Spankmeonthebottomwithawomansweekly · 22/04/2025 16:11

I wonder if you need someone to help facilitate this transition. I think you would be fine to hold your ground. It's terribly difficult and I wouldn't be surprised if there is some fallout. Hopefully you can move beyond it in time.

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:10

TheMimsy · 22/04/2025 16:07

Are you on the right thread? It’s her MIL and I’ve not spotted any mention of abuse?

Show quote history

I was on the other thread a few days ago

the late husband was profoundly emotionally abusive to the OP

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/04/2025 16:10

Can you give her the photo to take home? Next time it comes up

MIL whys that photo down again
ME; you know it upsets me
MIL: where is it, let me put it back up for you, its ok to be upset
ME: Here let me get it for you. I can see that it means a lot to you and I want you to have it. I have this one that makes me smile when I see it.

But otherwise yes it’s ok to pull back from her. It’s ok to not let her draw you into grief. And it’s ok to be happy and to live your life.

ETA… wrong word

Christmasbear1 · 22/04/2025 16:09

Neither one of you are unreasonable. I don't believe she is purposely trying to bring you down. If you've not lost a child how would you know how to feel. A parent will always grieve for their child, a spouse will inevitably move on.

TheMimsy · 22/04/2025 16:07

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:06

Op you need to sit your mother down and have a serious chat about some of the feelings you have about your late husband’s behaviour abuse towards you

Are you on the right thread? It’s her MIL and I’ve not spotted any mention of abuse?

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:07

It sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

TheMimsy · 22/04/2025 16:06

You.. I don’t want it up MI l. I like the pictures we have of him that are already out. mIL we all grieve in different ways and you are making me feel worse. I love him and won’t forget him but I want to do things my own way. You understand that don’t you?

WildUmberCrow · 22/04/2025 16:06

GoldenHammer · 22/04/2025 16:03

i mean this wouldnt be coming out the blue i have mentioned it, its just she gets very upset about it all so i relent because i hate being the "bad guy"

one example,

MIL whys that photo down again
ME; you know it upsets me
MIL: where is it, let me put it back up for you, its ok to be upset

if i dont find said picture she will cry and get all emotional

Show quote history

You could gently at this point tell her 'it's ok to be upset'?

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:06

Op you need to sit your mother down and have a serious chat about some of the feelings you have about your late husband’s behaviour abuse towards you

Original poster
GoldenHammer · 22/04/2025 16:03

Papercup · 22/04/2025 15:46

I think before distancing, you need to have an honest conversation with her to explain how her actions make you feel. Slipping back without that feels cruel as she has already lost her son, so losing you and her GC without any explanation would be awful.

Maybe sit her down and explain everything you have written here. Your need for positivity etc. Give her a chance to change and then if that doesn’t work, step back. At least she’ll know why then.

i mean this wouldnt be coming out the blue i have mentioned it, its just she gets very upset about it all so i relent because i hate being the "bad guy"

one example,

MIL whys that photo down again
ME; you know it upsets me
MIL: where is it, let me put it back up for you, its ok to be upset

if i dont find said picture she will cry and get all emotional

OP posts:
treesandsun · 22/04/2025 16:01

Neither of you are wrong and how you deal with it is entirely personal. I can see both sides. Could you perhaps explain to her that although it might seem as though you are moving on - you have to focus on your child and although you will never forget your husband - you and you are sure he would want your child to thrive and it will be difficult for them to do that if all anyone does is focus on their loss.
Maybe when she says something is too soon - you could say - it might seem that way but I have to think of x too and I don't want his memories to solely be of the adults around him permanently in grief.
As for the picture I would be honest and say this picture has negative connotations for me now because I associate it with the funeral and I much prefer to have the others which have happier memories - you are entitled to have whatever photos you want - even if he hadn't died - your house - your choice.

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 15:59

Have you told her he was emotionally abusive to you Op?

FastCoralViper · 22/04/2025 15:59

Kindly , I think you need to put some distance between you for both of your sakes and I say this because I’m your MIL (not literally) I just mean I’m the mum who lost her child and losing a child DOES consume your whole life and it doesn’t get easier , I’m just about 7 years in and those early years I’m pretty sure I isolated everyone and myself with the person i became after my daughter died it was pure darkness for a long time before I could even look at pictures with a smile watch her videos with a laugh it was awful for me and everyone around me . It was probably after the 3/4 year mark that I became self aware enough to realise I was dragging everyone down with me and I had to pull myself together, I had a major breakdown at year 5 and sought some mental support and I’m on the right path now but the reason I advise you to distance yourself is because as a mother this isn’t going to get better for her especially as it’s still so recent a child loss no matter what age is like no other and we never get over it , we are forced into a life we never asked for our worlds change beyond recognition and we join a journey no one wants to be a part of its soul destroying and it doesn’t get easier and has the potential to ruin relationships I know because I have lived it and I am still living it sadly , in your case you need the freedom to move forward now with your child and not feel resentment towards MIL which could happen if you don’t create some distance, of course this will come with some feeling of guilt and other emotions but sometimes it’s for the best for all involved, MIL is only thinking of it from her perspective right now which is sad but understandable and as selfish as that seems it’s what we grieving parents do when we are in the thick of it 🦋 I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope I haven’t offended with my view point I just wanted to give a grieving mothers version of what’s happening but also letting you know that distance is probably the right call for you because things with MIL won’t change not for the foreseeable anyway . Whatever you decide good luck going forward to you all 🌷

waterrat · 22/04/2025 15:59

how difficult for you OP. She may be holding tight to your 'grief' trying to keep you in that state so she doesn't feel so alone. It must be very scary for her to think that you will move into a different emotional space.

Have you had a real heart to heart with her? even perhaps with a mutual friend or relative there to support? tell her you will never stop loving him, always be there to talk about the memories but you cannot be held in a specific state of grieving - you are going to laugh, to travel, to connect to move forward etc.

WeeOrcadian · 22/04/2025 15:59

YANBU

I'm sorry for your loss OP

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/04/2025 15:59

justkeepswimingswiming · 22/04/2025 14:29

YANBU at all. I think I’d be putting in a lot of distance between the two of you. Obviously still let her see her grandson, but it’s not good for your mental health being dragged backwards every time. Maybe suggest she goes to therapy herself. She’s using you as a few therapist.

This.

And of course its OK. You shouldn't have to "conform" to someone else's idea of correct mourning behaviour. You do You.

It sounds like you are ready to move forward with your DS... and she's dragging you back down again.

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 15:58

GoldenHammer · 22/04/2025 14:59

16 nearly 17 and quite independent with their thoughts and feelings so I'm not facilitating the relationship any more.

Show quote history

What is your child’s relationship like with his parental grandparents?

Original poster
GoldenHammer · 22/04/2025 15:55

sonjadog · 22/04/2025 15:23

I think you can start by showing that you are in a different place mentally to her. So when she commented on your trip abroad and that you're not ready, say no, we are ready, we want to start moving on with our lives. And when she wants you to put up that photo, say no, I don't want it, it makes me sad and I want to move on from that. If you start pulling away like this, not physically but just stating that you and her are not in the same place any more, that might help her adjust. She might not like it at first, but it is something she needs to accept.

i've probbly gave in too much, she gets upset so i just try and do what she asks rather than cause any arguments, but you're right.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenHammer · 22/04/2025 15:53

AthWat · 22/04/2025 15:13

I don't see why you would even think of going to hers for Christmas. Why?

Show quote history

its just what we did so kept the tradition alive so grandparents can see children etc, but im not the only one who doesnt want to go, i shouldnt have to force my child to go.

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 22/04/2025 15:52

Hortus · 22/04/2025 15:27

I echo what others have said about grief being different for everyone, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. She has lost her child, and that's so against the natural order of things. Is she with your husband's father, is he still alive? It doesn't sound like she is or that your husband has siblings?

I think she will also be desperately afraid, afraid that you'll move on, possibly even find another man, and she'll lose the only other contact with someone else who loved her son. She's trying to keep his memory going through you, her wanting to have pictures up, wanting to keep you in those raw stages of grief, not wanting you to be feeling like going on holiday, is her way of trying to ensure you don't move on and forget him.

She's probably also still feeling so dreadful that it helps her to want you to feel as dreadful as she does. Due to being older she can probably only see a future of grief for the rest of her life, and she's jealous that you're young enough to perhaps one day have a happy life.

If she does feel those things that's all normal, but the issue is she's putting all the burden on you. 2 years is no time in the grief process, she will probably improve in time, but in in the meantime perhaps you could have a gentle talk with her and say that you're both grieving in different ways for the man you both loved, and that you want to reassure her that you'll never forget him, and even though you feel up to going on holiday etc it doesn't mean you're not still feeling grief, and that it's ok to have happy times along with the sad.

Cutting all contact may work in the short term but in the longer term I think it would be a real shame to have no contact with your late husband's family.

I agree with this totally. Her relationship with your DC will be so important too as they will take on a real reverence in her mind given the connection to her son.
im so sorry you’re going through this and for your loss @GoldenHammer .
I do think kind but firm communication on how you’re dealing with your grief now but that doesn’t mean she will be excluded from your DC’s life is important to have.
sending you lots of strength op x

MounjaroOnMyMind · 22/04/2025 15:50

You have both suffered a terrible loss and if your husband died in an accident there's the additional factor of it being a huge shock. I think posters are unfair to tell you to avoid her - she will feel that she hasn't just lost him, she's lost his family, too.

What was your relationship like with her before your husband died? What was his like?

I think I'd write her a letter and say that you remember your husband best when you're doing happy things, that you want to remember him through happiness rather than through sadness and that you want your son to be happy at home rather than sad all the time. I'd tell her that therapy helped you, as do small things like going out for a walk, having a coffee with a friend and going on holiday. I wouldn't make threats about not seeing her - and I particularly wouldn't mention Christmas - but I would say that from now on you're determined to live a more cheerful life.

MrsAga · 22/04/2025 15:47

I think it’s time to set boundaries. Refuse to put the photo out, either gift it to her or tell her it’s away in the loft until such time that it doesn’t bring you such darkness. “This is the photo of him that brings me most joy, it takes me back to …. When we were so happy. That’s the photo I want out & it makes me smile”
It’s a different grief for a mother & it’s ok for her to grieve in her own way, but it’s ok to grieve your way too. For your son, he wants to remember the good times, of course be sad he’s not here anymore, but if you grieved the same way as mil, you’d be dragging him down too. I think as a kindness to mil, I’d avoid the words “moving on”. That could feel to her like you are trying to forget him.

Phrases like “my new normal” “navigate life without him in it” “he wouldn’t want me to be depressed & miserable forever” might be kinder?
You are entitled to some joy in your life, even if she doesn’t feel she can yet.
Any time she tries to drag you back there, remind her that grieving for a son & husband are very different and neither way is wrong.
If she still can’t accept it, then low contact, at least for a while is the only way.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 22/04/2025 15:46

thestudio · 22/04/2025 15:41

I think you need to write her a very kind hand-written letter, putting all this down.

Along these lines maybe"

You hope she knows that nothing can diminish your love for DH - you're not moving on or looking to forget him in any way. But living in the heart of the grief and sadness is beginning to impact your longterm mental health, and you're struggling. For the sake of her GD and for your own sake, you cannot risk sinking into long-term despair. You need to try and remember the joy in the life you shared with him, and to bring some of that joy back to the life you and DD are living now.

You know how raw this still is for her, but hope she can understand that you're going to try and be positive and cheerful in general, and focusing on some good things that are happening for you and DD, as well as the wonderful things that DH brought to all your lives.

If you do decide to write (although a conversation might be better) this is a lovely letter Flowers