meddling MIL following late husband

My MIL was like this when my husband died. She wouldn’t attend the funeral and didn’t see our kids for months after. She was appalled that I went back to work four weeks later.

I kind of get where your MIL is coming from, to a certain extent. You lost your husband and she lost her son. For my MIL, it’s was the sense of his death not being the natural order of things, especially with her being in her eighties. It took a lot of talking - with some harsh words unfortunately being said - to get her to understand that I wasn’t “leaving him behind.”

Sorry not sure what you're saying to me. We both agree it's a generalisation? Is that it?

Others have mentioned these, I know, but two key points from me:

• Her son would surely have wanted you and his son to be happy

• You are both mothers, but your son is alive and you need to live your lives with happiness. Surely she would want to do the same if her son were still alive. Life is precious and short

I think a gentle chat then maybe put some distance between you. She has no right to put pictures up that upset you, no right to tell you how to grieve

You are ALLOWED to be happy.

You do not need her permission to be happy again.

At this point, you perhaps need to start saying this, even if she doesn't like it. Because she actively trying to stop you from living.

OP, the way you have explained yourself in your posts shows you are thoughtful and kind; and I think that you could probably explain to her the same way you have to us. Especially about how you are making a 'new normal' for yourself and your family. And you would love to be able to share the next part of you and your children's life with her; so she also needs to take steps to change her behaviour. Tell her that funeral picture is never going up again; but the pictures that are fun and loving will always be there.

It's kind of a unhappy circle isn't it; if she's so negative her grandchildren will pull away from her- which will then add to her pain. But she's refuses to see any other way forward, which means they (and you) pull away. Good luck OP.

I think you just let her be upset. I know how hard it is to see someone be upset and not try to fix it, but it can easily become a way to control someone and a situation (I have experienced this with my mother). You aren't responsible for her grief and you don't have to manage it. So if she gets upset, offer her a tissue, a seat, a cup of tea, but don't turn off your own feelings and needs to appease her. It will be hard at first, both for you and for her, but after the initial hump hopefully things will be easier between you.

It sounds like she definitely does need counselling. I would try again to have a conversation with her again, would your children be able help? If that fails, perhaps write to her explaining that you and the children need to move forward but you may have to accept she is probably not and may never be ready.

Your MIL lost her DS and she can't get past that yet which is to be expected.The trouble is she expects your grief to be as profound as hers, no doubt she hates any sign that you're moving on because she can't accept that your grief is abating, worse still that you might find another man to replace her DS.
Be kind to her Op but firm, you're still young and your life can't stand still forever.

OP I have just read your other thread. I'm sorry but your husband was abusive to you. It's no wonder that you and your MIL are grieving differently.

I think a clean break is needed. She has no right to be dictating what photos you have in your house, where you go on holiday, or anything else.

Nobody is asking the MIL to 'get over it'. The OP herself doesn't say she's got over it, only that she's handling her grief in a way that feels more healthy for her and, importantly, her son.

Ultimately, the MIL can grieve in her own way. If she prefers to be consumed by it and feels that her life can never move forward and that there is no room for happiness now, that is entirely up to her. It is not, however, fair for her to try and impose that form of grieving on to the OP or to use the OP as the sounding board for her misery. This isn't about asking anyone to 'get over' the death of a much-loved husband and son. It's simply about recognising that the OP and her child still have a life to leave. The MIL should not be telling the OP it was wrong to take her own child on holiday and neither should she be demanding the OP puts up a specific photograph that she happens to find distressing, or forcing her to relive the details of her husband's accident during every visit.

She’s clinging onto you/the photo in the same way that Queen Victoria clung to Princess Beatrice. For 40 years. Just as it was damaging for Beatrice, her refusal to let you/your son do anything other than mourn, is damaging to you both. Time to make some fun new memories with DC—they’ve had a hard enough time as it is. Don’t allow her to continue to do a Queen Victoria on you.

It's time to cut the rope with MIL. Your children don't need you to facilitate their relationship with her, you don't want to be her support network and there is no reason you should. You've both lost the same person but the relationship was completely different and you don't owe her your ongoing support - especially since she wants to dictate how you grieve and the relationship history with LH was complicated.

You're not being at all unreasonable OP. Grieving a child is not the same as grieving a spouse. You are still young and have a child of your own and need to find ways to keep the two of you as happy and as involved in life as is possible.
Sadly your MIL may be a long time getting to the stage when she is ready to enjoy things again, and you are her companion in grief so she wants to keep you with her. With all possible compassion you need to tell her that the things which help her are not always the things that help you, and that you must follow your own path.

You both have every right to grieve in your own way, @GoldenHammer, and neither if you is wrong in what you are feeling or how you are feeling it. But your MIL doesn’t have the right to insist that you must feel the same way as her, and you must grieve the same way as her.

One thing I am absolutely sure of, as a parent, is that, if one of my sons died, I would want their partner and children to build a new, happy life, whenever it felt right for them to do so. Even if I was still mired deep in grief, I would want them to be happy - because I know that’s what my son would want.

I am sorry you are having to go through this, and I hope this thread gives you the comfort that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your son, and you have every right to do so.

Is there someone who could talk to your MIL for you, and explain to her that you will always love your late husband, and miss him, and that the depart that you are doing things like going on holiday doesn’t negate this, but that you and your son need to start rebuilding your lives. You will always be there for her, but you need her to understand that you need her support too, and that means her understanding what you are doing and why, and accepting that you are grieving as much as each other, just differently.

You’re absolutely justified in explaining that your life didn’t ‘end’ when you DH died, nor did your child’s. While it must be absolutely devastating, the world continues turning around those who are grieving. Next time with the photo ‘no, I choose not to have it on display and we’ve discussed this before. It’s my home so I don’t want something up that’s upsetting, I much prefer other photos of DH’ etc

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, and can understand your need to make a new normal for you and your son.

I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes, in order to understand how they might be feeling.

So, if you thought your son’s wife was moving on with her life too quickly, how would you be feeling about the loss of the person you gave birth to?

I have lost my husband too, but if my son died, I know I would be devastated. It’s just not the right order of things.

Have a friend who went through something similar, children similar ages, too.
Her grief was raw but as the family knew her DH was dying, they had some preparation. He was a lovely, lovely guy and did tell her when the time was right, he hoped she’d meet someone knew.
A couple of years in and she started to feel like you. Bear in mind she’d nursed her husband for seven years before he died. She did meet someone, they are very happy and are getting married. The kids adore him.
I am not sure how she copes with the parents, who are still very much grieving, but I think after a while she learned to set clear boundaries.
No matter how raw her grief is she cannot come into your home and dictate what photos you have up.
I am sure your husband would not have wanted his children living under such a dark cloud.
If MIL wants to grieve in her own home that is her choice. But you don’t need to sit in it any more and neither do your children.

Yes you are right in that it's not OP responsibility, but I meant the transition of their relationship, but looking at the context, it would seem to be that the late DH was controlling and manipulative... and he learned that from his mother.

What your MIL needs to understand is that although you both lost the same person, your loss was different because of your respective relationships. You can’t be expected to experience it in the same way.

She needs to engage with counselling that will address the loss of an adult child, which is very different from the loss of a spouse or partner.

I think you need to spell this out to her, and also say that you feel you are beginning to be able to move on but can see that doing so might be difficult for her to accept.

Whelp… that new info may change my answers… but on the other hand maybe not so much. Not sure if I’ll read the other thread… so will leave this here.

Do what you need to do for you and your kids. Let MIL sort herself out.

It sounds to me like she needs you more than you need her. You're entitled to deal with your grief with what works for you. Not to be held back from moving on because she isn't ready. Does she have a husband or other adult children? I would be completely honest with her and say that as much as it pains you to say it, you feel her constant misery and wanting you to conform to her idea of how you should grieve, is detrimental to your emotional well being and that of your sons. When you yourself feel that you want to move on and be happy and free of grief, then you have successfully mourned the loss of your husband and no one should try to pull you back down to that black hole of grief. Whatever photographs or memories you have in your house is your business. She oversteps the boundaries of MIL. For your own sake you need to stay away from her until she can manage her own grief without dragging you down too. It's sad, but she needs professional help to overcome this.

I'd not have her in my home anymore, meet up if necessary somewhere out and about but keep your home your and your sons safe space, perhaps think about decorating.

She is perfectly entitled to grieve her own way but she absolutely can not and should not be forcing that upon yourself.

Exactly

op if you want proper advice to this issue, the fact your late husband was abusive can’t be swept under the table

Gosh, that sounds incredibly hard. But by sticking to your boundaries, you’re not being the bad guy. Don’t relent. You have made a decision to move forward in your grief, she isn’t there yet and may never get there.

Is your FIL still around? Or anyone else who could support your position and help her try and be more positive around you? She needs to learn to put a brave face on around you otherwise she risks losing you and probably your DS too.

I've just read that thread. That makes it even worse that her MIL is trying to make OP put her late husband on a pedestal and settle for a life of permanent mourning for a man who emotionally abused her.

He would not let her have her own life and friends when he was alive and now MIL is trying to stop her moving on,