meddling MIL following late husband

Can you give that photo to her so that she can put it up in her house?

You absolutely need to keep clear boundaries - put the photo away somewhere you won’t be tempted to get it when she asks or even give it to a friend to keep. Go out and live your life with your lovely son. I’m assuming he was a loving husband and father - and if so, he would want you guys to enjoy the lives you have rather than constantly wallowing in the grief.

I would tell her that there is no template for grieving, you must each do it in your own way. And that although you appreciate she is trying to help, it is not helpful when she comments on your decisions and you need it to stop. She may be worried that if you move on she will lose contact?

Her stance in that conversation is really not ok. I can’t imagine how devastating losing your child would be, even once they were a grown man with a child of their own, but I did lose both parents early and I still managed to respect the way my father and then my siblings dealt with the grief.

You are never going to heal this way. I know from experience how overwhelming and soul sucking it is when you allow someone to hold you to their process of grief.

Boundaries might be difficult as she is unlikely in a place to hear you but certainly you should try if you want; or take a break as long as you need.

As sad as it is you are not at all responsible for her grief. In fact it could very well be harmful for your mental and physical health if you continue this dynamic.

By the way, you are not doing her any favors either.

please make a stand - grief is not a competition, everyone grieves differently, and you clearly want to remember happy memories and move forward.

You lost different people: she lost her son who can never be replaced.
You lost a husband who by previous posts was emotionally abusive towards you.

You can have a new partner/husband who may very well be a huge improvement on your deceased husband. So you are in different spaces and she is trying to foist her belief about who her son was on to you. I'm not sure how to move ahead with this other than to say you respect her love and feelings of loss for him as his mother but you were his wife and your experience of him was very different; you are now ready to move on. Maybe others can better suggest how you navigate this next step without burning bridges, if at all possible for the sake of their grandchild, but they need to understand you are in a very different place to them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure your DH would want you and his DS to find some joy in life. You've done so well and your DS is your child and he needs a life. I'm sure your DH would rather you see his photos and smile or remember rather than they upset you.

I do understand that your MIL lost her child and she will never get over it. She may see you having a holiday as moving on and forgetting him which of course you are not. She is also probably clinging to you and your DS as the last pieces of her child. But you have to still live with your grief for your child and make a new life. Maybe she could spend time with your DS only to try and forge a new relationship?

You cannot have that photo up. Maybe never. You have to prioritise your own mental health.

In that case I would really pull back from spending any more time with her than is absolute necessary for the sake of your mental wellbeing. It's not your job to maintain her level of grief, which is the position she seems to want you to be in constantly.

What was your relationship like with her before your DH died?

To add, having lost my DF when I was young I know firsthand how easy it is to let the grief consume you. My DF also died in an accident and my DM has never gotten over it. She has lived her life but is also still incredibly traumatised by it and I can see how much it has prevented her from living the fullest life she could have lived. You have a really positive attitude during a very difficult time and you deserve to experience all the happiness and joy in the world.

i don’t think you ever ‘get over’ the loss of a life partner, or indeed a child. But at some point you have to learn to live with it and MiL isn’t even trying from what OP has said. And she has absolutely no right to try to hold OP back from moving forward a bit and opening up her life into the light a little.

Everyone grieves in their own way and everyone experiences the loss of that same person in a different way, depending on the relationship but l don’t believe anyone’s grief trumps anyone else's. And it’s absolutely not on for MiL to insist OP put up pictures in her own home if she finds them upsetting. It really sounds as though she could benefit from some independent counselling as she can open up to someone not emotionally involved and say how she feels without fear of causing upset.

I don't think her son would actually...

He wanted her life to be devoted to him...

And I'm assuming MiL knew nothing about any of that

I'm so sorry for you loss...

I think you're absolutely not being unreasonable.

The different life stages you're at and who your husband was to you, and tbh your personalities /resources and ages will impact on how you grieve.

Just because you go on holiday /smile doesn't mean you have forgotten. People carry their loved ones forever.

This has happened in my immediate family my bro died very young leaving small children... Some people were very judgemental about his widow.

She needs to let you grieve at your own pace and build a new normal for you and your son.

Could you write her a letter if she shuts you down irl??

I wish you a light filled future.

Then you need to let her get upset. Just tell her again the photo upsets you and you don’t want to be upset so it’s not going up (make sure you hide it well so she can’t find it)

if she gets upset just quote back at her ‘it’s ok to be upset’ and carry on with what you were doing

Having lost a parent as a young child I can tell you that your DS is not done grieving and processing. He will grieve again and again throughout the milestones in his life and his reflections and the impact will likely be more profound with an adult mind than they are now in the childs mind. My focus nd priority would be his ongoing long term MH security. If your marriage was abusive your DS's emotional development will already have been significantly compromised even if he didnt hear or see anything but by the fact that his mother could not be her full self. I am glad you through yourself into grief therapy and I hope this has given you a foundation to recover from the emotional abuse from your late husband and I hope that you have professional support here. Everyone grieves differently given so many background factors not least their relationship with the deceased. You are 100% correct to feel that your MIL is stifling you and your DSs emotional environment. Never feel bad for seeking to ensure the best emotional environment for your DS's future MH. He had so say in this to date and from my own personal experience it was the dominance of the adults overwhelming despair for years that crippled me for years rather than the actual loss of my parent. I would keep your DS from this and I would role model coping, growth, processing, personal awareness of his own inner world and needs rather than the absorption of other adults needs. I am sorry for all that you have endured but I am glad to see you are breaking through and focussing on the future of the young people here who have a longer life to navigate with less life experience. Never feel unreasonable for feeling and for your own boundaries and prioritising your DC.

About the photograph -
Do not put it out again. It upsets you. In YOUR OWN home.

If she gets upset when she visits, that's up to her. She cannot tell you what pictures you have displayed in your home.

Reinforce that you haven't forgotten your husband - your child is a daily reminder of him irrespective of photographs - but you will not display that picture again.

Make your own arrangements for Christmas.

MIL whys that photo down again
ME; you know it upsets me
MIL: where is it, let me put it back up for you, its ok to be upset

I don’t want it back it, that’s why I took it down.

Why not replace the picture of something else, something happy, so she can’t swap it.

It doesn’t matter if she gets upset - she’s allowed to be - you can be the bad guy -

anyone who knows her won’t be listening anyway.

You have a responsibility to your living child. Your late DH would not want him to live in a cloud of grief. I would have your child pick out a family photo of good times including MIL and replace the funeral photo of your DH. Be firm with MIL and let her know that is important for her grandchild to remember the happy times.

Your local council may have some bereavement support services so reach out to them. I know there are some bereavement support charities and perhaps reach out to them as well. I am sure they will have resources to help you navigate your situation.

Also, is your MIL part of any faith group? Bereavement committees at churches can generally help because there will be others who have endured this grief. I am not sure about other religious communities, but I would expect since bereavement is universal, there will be some form of support.

As a pp said, it takes years to come to grips with the loss of a child, and many bereaved parents feel an irrational anger to punish the world for daring to live on after their child has died. But your child is alive and needs a happy future and just has you to create happy family moments.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best.

in some ways, how your dh was as a husband doesn’t matter.
The reality is what’s going on now.

It’s been two years. You are allowed

• to move on and be happy if it feels right to you
• to have a new partner if you want to
• to put whatever pictures you want in your own house
• to organise Christmas your way, the way that works for you and your dcs. Not around other people’s feelings
• toput dime distance between you and her if it’s the right thing for you. As you said your dcs are old enough now to carry on seeing their gran if they wish to.
• to put boundaries up and what you’re happy to do or not.

And btw, that photo used at the funeral? Unless you or your dcs are really attached to it, I’d give it to her.

You answer “it is ok to be upset, but we are trying to move on with our lives and have a more positive approach now. Of course we’ll never forget him and we don’t want to, but we want to focus on the good memories.
Please understand we can all grieve differently and this is how we want to grieve now so please respect my wishes about the photo etc “

Then if it continues “ you know we love you so much but we find it really difficult being around you at the moment. It’s making us not want to see you, which is an awful feeling, so can we talk about dh, but in a more positive way, otherwise it’s going to affect our relationship and I certainly don’t want that if we can help it.”

YANBU and I think it would be a good idea to take a big step back from her for a while. What she's doing isn't healthy and you are entitled to move forward and live your life positively and look for joy.

If she can't, you don't have to stay 'in that place' with her, but you might have to be blunt if she continually won't drop it and continually tries to 'force' you to live the way she is: in the past.

I'd make it clear that if the reverse had happened, and he had survived you, that you'd be terribly saddened to think that he had stopped living and wasn't moving on with his life, not only for himself, but for your children. And you have zero doubt that he'd want the same for you.

I can see from this interaction that it is difficult to influence your MIL.

I agree with everyone that if possible it would be best to have a heart to heart with her about how you are feeling.

I also think you should practice gently flipping around her comments to show her your perspective. Even if you can't think of a reply at the time think about your perspective so you can become more confident in your perspective next time. I think it might be a good mental exercise for you to reinforce that your perspective is valid.

For example MIL saying you're "not ready" to go abroad with your son:
-Young GH is growing up - he won't be 17 again - if I delay he will be an adult and I might have missed the chance to holiday with him.

• I am ready to start making new memories. That doesn't mean I will forget Mr GH.
• Young GH has lost his dad so now I have to give him the experiences that his dad would want him to have.

When MIL says "We mustn't forget etc"

• I will never forget Mr GH but I do need to start living my life again. He would want me to.
• Mr GH would not want me or his son to be unhappy. He would want us to try to be happy again - and that is what I will try to do.

If your MIL can't adapt to the fact that you are trying to rebuild your life then I totally understand you needing to reduce contact. Your priority has to be to rebuild your life and support your son.

I think she sees you as her therapy, that's why she doesn't think she needs anything else. I'm not sure how you get her to move on from that position. Maybe insist she come with you to a group, then drop out yourself?

You are right you do need to move on and you're being so strong to do so and manage to get away on holiday. If she was my mother in law I'd say 'I need to talk about moving forward with our lives, mother in law, 2 years seems such a short time but it's already one eighth of ds's life. I worry that he needs a positive mum and grandma so that he can survive this, and grow up as a wonderful balanced young man that dh would wish for. That is the reason that I've pushed us into going on holiday, and making wonderful happy memories together. I cannot let our mourning and sadness crush all happiness out of lives. I don't want to forget DH, but I want to remember the happy times and not just his death and our pain. I think we owe it to him to live a wonderful happy life together, just as he had hoped for us. And for that reason I can't have his funeral photograph up in the house, it reminds me of the funeral and not his life, so I'm replacing it with this happy one of us together, which is the way I remember him. Going forward I want us to try and celebrate happy things we do together and small steps forward. I'm worried about you and how you're coping. '
It's an incredibly painful thing for you all to go through, but your husband would want you all to live a happy life. She sounds depressed and in need of support from a doctor, it must be so painful to lose a child.
It may fall on deaf ears but it may not. I'd follow up with booking in an afternoon outing with her and DS to do something that none of you have done before, new happy memories.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Her grief timeline is not yours and it's unfair of her to impose hers on you. In a way, she's trying to keep things from changing and keep you stuck where you were and she is. You recognize that's not healthy for you or your kids.

It sounds like it's time to pull back a bit from her and grey rock. Be busy, don't share your plans, and so on. If she keeps it up, it might be time for her to see her GP and seek out some mental health assistance. If she starts crying when you won't do what she wants like put the photo back up, say something like I see you're too upset to stay, we'll see you another time and escort her out. Spread out the time between her visits a bit longer each time.

You keep your home how you want. I wouldn't want a picture that was used at my husband's funeral either. We have pictures from happy family times and the flag that was draped on his casket.