How to explain to DH how tired I am in early pregnancy

Some men don’t seem to understand these sorts of things when you tell them, therefore you have to show him. Via consequence. Tell him that you are so exhausted and that will be reducing your domestic work load to the bare minimum (but don’t specify what) Ie. Just looking after youself and DC. He’ll soon start complaining when dinner isn’t on the table or he doesn’t have any clean shirts for work. You can then explain to him (again) why you have only been able to muster the energy to cook a meal for you and DC, and nothing else.

Don't tell him, show him! Hand him the baby and go to bed. Let him get on with it, you are both working and he needs to do his share of childcare and household chores!

I would go with
"H, you are a selfish Knob"

I know how you feel OP, I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC2 and have a very demanding 2 year old. The exhaustion is unbelievable. Last night I had to get DH to come and lift her out the bath because I didn't have the strength to do it. We both work long hours and the only way we cope is tag teaming.

First thing you need to do is start alternating who gets up with your toddler in the morning. I can't believe you don't do that already, you do one morning and your DH the next. Rinse and repeat. Why does he get a lie in every day while you presumably by default are up at dawn to deal with the breakfast and nappies?

Evenings you take turns. Someone makes dinner/tidies up/does a load of laundry while the other baths your DC and gets him to bed.

If he refuses to help with the household chores tell him you'll be employing a cleaner until he's willing to help because you can't and won't do it all. He's welcome to suggest alternative solutions but he can't just say no to everything.

This.

Just exactly what does he do in the evening?

Does he come home, sit down.... and that's it?

For one - stop cooking for him, stop laundry, stop ANYTHING YOU DO FOR HIM. You're meant to be a team, not a one woman dynamo looking after 2 children whilst pregnant.

What does he do?

When I was pregnant I always felt that the first trimester was the most exhausting. I went from happily going to bed at 11, up at 7 and doing 12 hr work days, to struggling with working 9 to 6 despite a 8pm-7am uninterrupted bedtime. Add morning sickness into the mix.

You need to sit your DH down and remind him it's not a competition and the ways in which you are struggling.

Maybe come to him with a view/some ideas of what would help? Particularly with another child in the mix maybe he needs to step up more. Maybe he is genuinely tired. But in the end he's not pregnant

Use your words

I’m in pretty much exactly the same boat, my daughter just turned 1 & I’m 10 weeks pregnant with our second child. I wouldn’t say I’ve particularly had to convince my husband that I’m tired to be honest! I’m working, looking after a 1 year old (who is a sleep hater, always has been) and I’m also growing a baby, he knows I’m tired!

He (and I) acknowledges how different this pregnancy is. With my first child I will be honest and say I really didn’t need any extra help from my husband in my first trimester because I would go to work, come home and have a 2 hour nap most days, wake up, have dinner and then pretty much go to sleep for the night and sleep 10 hours uninterrupted, I could rest whenever I needed to at the weekend etc. I was able to manage my tiredness myself the first time round because I only had myself to look after. This time round there’s no naps after work because I have a 1 year old to look after, there’s no 10 hour uninterrupted night time sleep, I’m not able to just rest because I have a young child and I wouldn’t change it for the world, genuinely I wouldn’t, but my husband has had to give me some more support this time than he did last time. He’s done that without me asking, he doesn’t need to be asked, he doesn’t need to be convinced, he knows me well enough to know what I need really before I know myself sometimes!

The pregnancy tiredness is just exacerbating what sounds like a pre-existing issue. Why do you need to be exhausted in order for him to pull his weight? It’s your job by default unless you are literally collapsing from tiredness (and even then he doesn’t care)? Fuck that.

Sorry I don’t have any advice though - if he didn’t care about you before, he’s not going to care now.

Sorry but I voted YABU.

And that's purely for having a second child with a lazy, inconsiderate bastard.

Were you expecting him to suddenly change into a caring, loving, considerate man after the pregnancy test?

I thought early pregnancy was exhausting, but my thyroid had also crashed, please get a blood test.

Also drop standards on cleaning and cooking, but tell DH to do more of it. It's no good saying you have to get up, tell him he's on 5 weekday and 1 weekend morning, while you give him a break the other weekend morning - more for him because you're pregnant. Likewise cleaning and cooking, new rota.

Problem is it is all to his advantage at the moment and he has no incentive to change. You need to find an incentive which will depend on your circumstances. For example - do you have family nearby you could move in with for a period? Tell everyone you can’t cope doing everything ALONE and so you are moving in for help caring for baby and housework.
If you have the money, check into a hotel 2 or so times per week for a period leaving baby with him - explain it is the only way you are able to sleep as he does not help.
Is there anything you could stop doing that would cause him a massive inconvenience?
basicslly, remove the status quo from the table so HE wants to discuss the topic

edited to say I used the wrong term, I should not have said he does not ‘help’, I should have said because he is not doing his fair share - it is as much his job as yours

I also find it absolutely tragic that some of the advice on here is that OP needs to speak to her husband and explain what he needs to do. Don't get me wrong, I understand why people are saying it but the fact that a grown adult who - I'm assuming - can hold down a full time job and is capable of procreating needs to be sat down and told his chores is an absolute farce.

I can't for a single second imagine having to tell my DH that things need to be done round the house. But as @TwoLeggedGrooveMachine says, thankfully I didn't marry a knob. But I also know from MN that there seem to be plenty of these men around. Why women entertain them absolutely baffles me though!

OP I'm not pregnant. Nor do we have young children. And my DH would never be in bed reading on his phone whilst I'm cleaning / cooking / doing chores. It shows a massive lack of respect or care for you.

What exactly is DH role in the house. What does he currently do without being prompted?

I didn’t have to because my husband isn’t a knob. It must be obvious that being in early pregnancy and working full time with a one year old baby is exhausting. Hats off to you for that age gap. I worked 70% with nearly 3 years between babies and felt like death in early pregnancy.

The quote below is taken from a previous Mumsnet post (sorry, I’m not able to credit the original poster). It was so good I had to save it on my phone.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

Oh god

good Luck

'Oi, you lazy arse, I'm pregnant and exhausted. Any decent husband would take care of their pregnant wife and let them rest, but you expect me to cook and clean and take care of our child, while you sit on your backside on your phone. If things don't change ASAP, you'll be a single parent and taking care of the children all by yourself half the time'

Like that?

What an arsehole - early pregnancy tiredness is like nothing else. I felt like I was permanently fighting off a coma.

You need to have a reasonable conversation with him to try to make him understand. But if he’s a total arsehole about it I’d be direct - tomorrow morning tell him it’s his turn to get up, wrap the duvet around yourself and just don’t move.

Rather than just telling him how exhausted you are you need to tell him that you need more help and you need him to do a little more.

Try and explain early pregnancy tiredness to him, as its like the tiredness you feel when you have the flu and all you want to do is sleep. This may well pass by the time you get into your 2nd trimester but for now you really could do with his help.

I think many people who have not experienced early pregnancy tiredness don't understand it. There is no bump yet so you shouldn't be feeling too much different right? Wrong! Early pregnancy tiredness, for those of us who have experienced it is brutal. I was exhausted so I really sympathise with you.

I hope you get the support you need in these early weeks and that it soon passes xx

Don't give up your job, OP. Take him at his word, leave as much mess as you can and just focus on yourself and your DC. Think about what you want your future to look like.

Edited to add: women at your stage are at their most vulnerable and some men know it and don't treat them very well.

He doesn’t believe cleaning needs to be done

What does this mean, exactly? How has he articulated it? And why have you accepted it?

Does he also think DC don’t need to eat? So, if you didn’t do all the cooking, he’d expect them (and himself) to subsist on air?

Why do you need to clean everyday? Have some easy meals.m that can be thrown in the oven or air fryer.