To just want to be a housewife?

I’m glad that life would make you happy but I honestly don’t feel I’ve evolved to cook and clean. I have much more to offer than those 2 tasks which I’m not enthused by at all.

I’m 44 with a 14 and 10 year old. I have been in my job for 16 years and I love it. I work in a school and get the holidays but…… perimenopause is in full swing, my tolerance for almost everything is on the floor and I want time. Just time to be me, find out who this new me is and actually please myself and be less agitated and stressed. I don’t have time to address the personal issues because everything else gets in the way and it just boils over constantly. It’s pretty shit. Unless I win the lottery I’ve got a cat in hells chance.

Me too.. I always think someone has to win the lotto :) until then 2 jobs and knackered single parent

Then how do we explain what happens in different countries when it tends to align with their societal norms? Such as in some countries, SAHM's are more rare and it is normal for fathers to take a good chunk of parental leave.

There are some biological differences because women are the ones who are pregnant, give birth and some choose to breastfeed but other than that, of course men can be nurturing. Women are just raised to be nurturers were generally, it is something men are raised not to do.

My DH is just as much of a nurturer as I am.

Of course it's a huge influence, how can't it be? Men are socialised from birth to be providers, they aren't socialised to be nurturers and carers. They are discouraged from showing their emotions, they are encouraged to go into careers or trades that are higher paying than the roles women are encouraged to go into. If they show any interest in childcare or early childhood education, they are met with suspicion.

Women are socialised to be nurturers and carers, they are encouraged to 'be kind' in a way that men aren't. They are often encouraged into lower paying jobs such as childcare.

Of course women generally earn less than men, female dominated industries tend to be lower paid and as I said, women are still largely encouraged into lower paying roles. I'm also not sure how you can ignore the gender pay gap and pretend that it doesn't exist, women also earn less because they tend to either have a long period of time out of work once children arrive or they go part time which means they lower their earning potential. Once children arrive, childcare is largely seen as the woman's problem to organise, not a joint responsibility.

Sorry I was trying to quote somebody else and quoted you in error.

I don’t recall saying that. I’m referring to women who would like to be SAHMs but aren’t because they’re worried about their pension.

Also do you have a source that shows women who take no enjoyment in being SAHM with their kids are “usually miserable in all areas of their lives”?

Why do people like you always seek to denigrate women that don’t conform to your narrow expectations?

Listen. I posted a fairly long post about several topics. It was not directed to anybody in particular and was not rude or personal.

The first line of your response to me was: ‘Come on, this post is sanctimonious bullshit’.

There then followed long defensive rants by you, and you have made various rude comments.

Is it so bad that I don’t want to engage with you further? I don’t engage with people who communicate like this in real life and I don’t want to do it online. Sorry if that bothers you. You can have the ‘last word’. I really don’t care.

How about just treating us as individuals.

I spent 15 years living in the “here and now” and honestly while I have good memories - I regret not living life in a way that was thinking about Future Me.

Can we strop pretending that men and women have the exact same role biologically as women. The truth is that women are by large much more suited to the nurturing role of raising young kids. The father’s influence actually becomes more important in the adolescence stage of development. Jason Field on Instagram has very interesting videos on that topic.

It’s sad that nobody lives in the here and now anymore. Yes, it’s good to have a plan for the future but at what cost. I know of people who got diagnosed with terminal cancer/ dementia in their sixties and they are regretting not living their life how they wanted and putting everything off until they’re retired. Raising kids are the golden years; people should try and enjoy them more.

Sure. Ok.

Is it such a huge influence though?

Hormones would not explain why for example almost all dads in Sweden feel the "biological urge" to take parental leave, but almost none of the Japanese do. I would bet that the societal expectations play a lot bigger role here.

Yanbu

I have worked and studied since I was 18 and now have a high paying responsible job, in part so I can show my DD that women can achieve anything they set their mind to.

I wish I could stay home making beds and baking and doing every school run.

I’m going to change tack and try to teach her to be content with whatever makes her fulfilled. Big salary and meeting the ‘checklist’ isn’t that joyous.

Is it such a huge influence though? How is that quantitively measurable for you to make such a statement. Hormones and biology on the other hand are scientifically proven to affect men and women's behaviours in different ways, particularly during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Nor should we ignore that practical element of the SAHP being the one who earned less which is more often than not the woman. Please don't come back with the gender pay gap argument, I'm sure we have been through it before and don't agree whatsoever.

Of ALL and (I am not exaggerating) ALL the women I have friendships with, have worked with, my own family members, who are mainly working class girls... their husbands and boyfriends earn more. This is because they work in childcare, offices, cleaning, whilst their partners are tradesmen or lorry drivers.

I remember when my DH became a SAHP a few years back. There was so much judgement, particularly from my SAHM friends.
I think you should do what works for you.

One thing I am glad about having a career is my pension which gives me financial security whatever the future brings. I’ve always been the higher earner so we now live off my pension and can afford DS’s uni costs via my very part time job.
If anything happens to my DH my income will not change.

My advice would be to build up a private pension for yourself. Obviously this would need to be with your DH’s agreement. A close friend of mine, who has been a happy SAHM since having her children, is now having meltdowns because she has no real security in place. She doesn’t even have the guarantee of a state pension since she doesn’t know if her NI has been paid as part of her silent involvement in the family business. It probably has but she is only now realising the implications. She may even have a private pension but has been happily doing her housewife thing without a thought of what happens if her DH dies.
Most of us go through life assuming that retirement will be great. The reality is that most end up with £12k a year to live off because they assume it will all work out. I’m glad I listened to the doom and gloom when I was in my 20s. In a flash I’m now 60 and reaping the reward of sacrificing a big chunk of my monthly income to a pension that at the time seemed a lifetime away.

It’s actually great being paid to do nothing, realistically it’s reclaiming the money I paid in but it still feels good.

If you've been out of the market for 5, 6, 7 years, your skills won't be as marketable. It's logical. I have witnessed it with lovely friends. Either mutual divorce, or he left her for another woman, or he was just a cheating git who thought he could do better. None of the women who came through that were 1) As marketable as they were prebaby and 2) Had a much lower standard of living afterwards.

Have you seen the reams of threads on MN about men that shirk their financial responsibility for children? And who are negotiating the quagmire of the benefits system, trying to keep a stable and comfortable roof over their children's heads?

You have totally (and probably wilfully - given your ignoring of all the evidence available on this topic) misread the tone of my writing. No one blames a mother for wanting to be with her baby. It is natural. But we live in patriarchy. Designed for men. To further the interests of men. To pin your whole life and well being on a man is always a huge gamble. I think I'd take a gamble on my own standard of living, but I wouldn't gamble with my children's.

Awfully smug of you.

Men can choose to stay home if they want to and the family can afford it.

No one is making you stay home. But OP is a woman who was career driven and has found that she now feels differently. She's still working she's not making any decisions based on finances or what her husband is doing or what he chooses.

She's allowed to want to stay home. Just because you would prefer something different doesn't mean she can't want that.