To just want to be a housewife?

Yes, many men do behave like this — I’m not denying that. But the reason I avoid comparing women to men in this context is because I don’t believe men should be our standard. Why should women constantly measure themselves against men? They don’t do that with us.
Saying “men do it too” isn’t a justification — it’s a deflection. We’re different biologically, emotionally, and physically, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a reality. I think constantly comparing ourselves to men subtly reinforces the idea that they are the benchmark — that they’re superior in some way — and I just don’t subscribe to that. Women have their own path, values, and strengths, and we don’t need to copy anyone to prove our worth.

What happened to women making choices that work for them?

I absolutely adore my little ones and so I decided to give up work for a few years because time with my children is far more precious to me than my career progression. I was unhappy when I went back to work after my second maternity leave ended because I missed my children. They both now get so much out of the time I'm investing in them, and my husband is happy to work to support us all as he enjoys his job and doesn't feel like he's missing out time with the kids. There's the added benefit of having more time for nutritious home-made meals every day of the week and far less stress about trying to tidy and do everything while I was at work. I love it and I feel so much more fulfilled and able to be the best mother I can be this way.

If a woman would rather progress her career and earning potential, great for her! But leave her to make that choice rather than going around trying to convince her that one choice is wrong and one right.

Yes, many men do behave like this — I’m not denying that. But the reason I avoid comparing women to men in this context is because I don’t believe men should be our standard. Why should women constantly measure themselves against men? They don’t do that with us.
Saying “men do it too” isn’t a justification — it’s a deflection. We’re different biologically, emotionally, and physically, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a reality. I think constantly comparing ourselves to men subtly reinforces the idea that they are the benchmark — that they’re superior in some way — and I just don’t subscribe to that. Women have their own path, values, and strengths, and we don’t need to copy anyone to prove our worth.

Yes, many men do behave like this — I’m not denying that. But the reason I avoid comparing women to men in this context is because I don’t believe men should be our standard. Why should women constantly measure themselves against men? They don’t do that with us.
Saying “men do it too” isn’t a justification — it’s a deflection. We’re different biologically, emotionally, and physically, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a reality. I think constantly comparing ourselves to men subtly reinforces the idea that they are the benchmark — that they’re superior in some way — and I just don’t subscribe to that. Women have their own path, values, and strengths, and we don’t need to copy anyone to prove our worth.

Yes I know. But we need women doctors at senior level. Things are improving but not enough. Lots of girls get to medical school but the number of women consultants is still way behind men. We need to look at the reasons for that. And certainly we need to make it so that more men can take and are willing to take time off to look after their young children.

I don’t think that going back to the days of encouraging mothers to stay at home to look after their young children instead of developing their career is a good thing at all. They need to be adequately supported so that they can be consultants too.

Yes many men behave like this. But JohnnysMama doesn’t want any comparison to men for some reason…

I know a lot of men like this. I know one woman with a really high pressure job that she does in 4 days who often goes out over a weekend with her friends, sometimes with children, but regularly without. @JohnnysMama would probably see her life and use her as an example of women she's referring to.

What most people don't know or see is that her husband works away all week. So Monday to Friday, sometimes Sunday to Friday or Monday to Saturday depending on where he is, she's basically a single parent. So she often goes out of a weekend for her mental health. Her mum has him one or two afternoons so after work she can go to the gym or swim or have an hour to read a book or even just catch up on housework.

Unless you actually know how their lives work, people are judging based on assumptions from the odd bits you see. And it's usually wrong.

Eh, you’re missing the point. I can’t write essays here. You asked me to clarify — I did — and now it feels like there’s a need for yet another explanation. This applies to men as well, of course. Children need both parents to be involved.

Can you at least think about how often you talk about the women who avoid their children, who choose work, who go to the gym, do classes, whatever but not the men?

Dad's have an equal responsibility for their children. It takes both mum and dad to create them. Both mum and dad are responsible for caring for the children, raising them, spending time with them.

You seem to be placing all the responsibility, and therefore blame/shame/guilt for having a life outside of being a parent, on mothers only. Dad's exist too. They should also not be choosing other things over home and family when they don't need to. And if dad is there, why can't mum have a couple of gym sessions in a week? Why can't mum see her friends?

What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids

How many women do you know like this?
it sounds quite an extreme situation and must be pretty unusual.

No, that’s not what I meant at all! I’m not referring to women who work to maintain balance and care for their mental health so they can be better, more present parents — that’s completely understandable and admirable.
What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids, even when they could be. That’s a different situation.
And I’m not saying they’re bad or neglectful parents — I believe in most cases, these patterns come from unresolved issues that need attention and support. But I do think it’s important to acknowledge the difference.

No, that’s not what I meant at all! I’m not referring to women who work to maintain balance and care for their mental health so they can be better, more present parents — that’s completely understandable and admirable.
What I’m talking about are women who seem to avoid being with their children altogether — who fill their schedules with work, holidays, gym sessions, and social events to the point that they’re hardly ever with their kids, even when they could be. That’s a different situation.
And I’m not saying they’re bad or neglectful parents — I believe in most cases, these patterns come from unresolved issues that need attention and support. But I do think it’s important to acknowledge the difference.

When I worked, I genuinely loved my job and was very focused on it. At the time, I didn’t have the personal perspective I do now, and I fully expected to return to work relatively quickly though even then, I believed that waiting at least 2–3 years before going back would be best for my child’s development.
Over time I’ve come to understand more deeply the emotional and practical conflicts many women face when it comes to balancing work and family. And I now hold the belief that home is the best place for a woman when there are little children involved — at least during those early, formative years, until they gain some level of independence.
I believe young children benefit enormously from having their mother present and involved in their daily care and early learning.
As for the patient group I worked with — they were mostly individuals facing severe mental health issues and often not able to work or live independently, so it’s not a directly comparable group in the context of this discussion.
I understand that not everyone will share this view, and that’s okay. But it’s where I’ve landed through both my professional and lived experience as a mother.

So what you think is that women who have children and then find that they are miserable being at home but are able to be great parents if they are fulfilled with work a few days a week are what? Bad parents? Neglectful?

Thanks. It is great that you gave so much to your patient group too.

But did you really mean this: ‘Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home’?
And did you have this belief when you had women patients who were working?

I’m referring to mothers who say they prefer to work rather than look after their children — who seem to do anything just to avoid staying with them, even when they have the option. That’s what I mean.

The status quo doesn't allow people to spend a few years baking or folding clothes. That's the point of this thread really. There is no flexibility to accommodate the desire to focus slightly more on the home or young children for a relatively short period of time without being hugely penalised for doing this. This is where people want to see change.

I have friends that are doctors and understand what you're saying. It is a particularly tricky profession to take time out from. I also think the intensity leads to a lot of burn out and anxiety from predominantly mothers who are working PT/FT as doctors and trying to run a household and spend time with children too. One of my friends has very much taken the 'mummy track' but still struggles to keep on top of things at home with an engaged and competent DH. I think balance is very hard to achieve in the medical profession until you do become a consultant and then suddenly it seems to become easier to call the shots.

I agree it’s a waste of talent.

I work on supporting resident doctors in our Trust who come back after a period of long leave. Some are coming back from sickness leave, but the majority are coming back from maternity leave. It is very difficult for many of them to return even after a year away as they do lose a lot of confidence and skills in that time. We have a scheme to support these residents of course. But for people who have a few years off it can be a real challenge to get back into the profession. It is a very demanding career and things are constantly changing. It is of course not impossible to return, but these doctors will need a lot of support in a rather unforgiving NHS.

My initial comment was responding to the poster who said this: ‘Very unpopular opinion these days - but the best place for a woman is home’. I could not disagree more with that.

Re looking forward, I honestly don’t know if there is appetite for change. I reckon that the majority of respondents on this thread have said that once they had children, they lost the appetite to work and they would rather stay home and bake and fold clothes etc. I don’t think many on here are that keen to change the status quo.

That’s great — I’m sure you could have that written on your headstone! And of course, I really appreciate that you go above and beyond for your patients, even when the NHS doesn’t always create the best conditions for it. That kind of dedication is truly admirable — we need more doctors like you.
I also went above and beyond for my patients when I worked as a psychologist in the NHS, before choosing to become a stay-at-home mum. Now, I pour that same care and commitment into my family and others I can give more attention to since leaving full-time work. I still do private work on Saturdays.
I think we can all agree that everyone has their own priorities and makes the choices they feel are best for themselves and their families. It’s human to try to persuade others that your view is more valid — but ultimately, we all want what’s best.
That said, one objective truth remains: little babies shouldn't be in nursery too early — not at 6, 10, or 16 months. Ideally, they should be cared for by their mothers in those early stages. The system should support that, not penalise women who choose to give their children a strong emotional and behavioural foundation in life.

I replied to few posts where I said women should do what they want to do and what works for them and their families. Except- choosing work over children intentionally.

so what does choosing work over children mean? You also said women belong at home and mothers are best looking after children - so mothers working instead of being SAHMs means choosing work over children?

I would love my headstone to say ‘great doctor’! I go above and beyond for my patients and truly care. I would love to be remembered for that.

There are many ways to skin a cat. A mother or father taking a few years out should only be a few years behind their peers. Even in the medical profession there is no real reason why a few years out in your 30s prevents you from becoming a consultant. It might delay you a bit but it shouldn't make a massive difference. The system could be reformed and the penalty could be lowered but they don't want to do that. It suits those who don't want the time out to keep the system the same.

It isn't about going back to the old days but looking forward. We need systems and careers that work for how people want to live. Someone shouldn't be condemned or written off because they want to take a few years out to do something else. It's an insane waste of talent and leads to discontent workers.