To just want to be a housewife?

A lot of systems are set up to keep us constantly slaving away.

I used to work in a bank and I saw how many of the financial systems are designed to keep people trapped in dept. And also trapped in the one place

Banks and society tell people that they have to take out a 300,000 mortgage for a small terraced home. This keeps people trapped in debt for all of their working life.

When actually any of us could build or buy a cheap tiny home/ or a prefab. My cousin just bought a beautiful small prefab static to live in. It didn't cost her much.

Other single people without children could easily buy a van and live in that and just renovate the back of it into a bedroom. However society frowns on that way of living. It doesn't keep you in debt and you will be free to move around. So society will tell you it's wrong.
I do know one woman living in a van and working remotely. She loves her life.

"Fit and healthy humans should be able to work this way."
What, working rom around age 22 until age 66?
Five days a week?

Everyone that I know is totally exhausted.

We don't treat animals as badly as we treat humans!

All of our best years are spent working. Then by the time that we retire and have some free time to do things, a lot of people don't have the health or energy to them anymore.

It's a culture designed to keep people trapped.

There are so many different ways the world could be.

Fit and healthy humans should be able to work this way. I am not sure this is ‘abuse’. And we are of course not horses.

Nothing happened just more to life. At the end of the day we are just a number at work and easily replaceable when we burn the candle at both ends. Just a number. Spend time with DC and watch her grow. Sounds just beautiful ❤️

I don't disagree that both parties should be able to support themselves individually, but that doesn't necessarily mean they have to provide 50% of the finances in a relationship at all times.

And for OP, she is working. She is keeping her qualifications up to date. She's got her own business. She can support herself. So what's the point in telling her to prep for divorce when she isn't financially dependent?

She's said herself she isn't planning on not working. She's just exploring her feelings because she never thought that she'd enjoy the "housewife" life but she does. And she's perfectly allowed to explore those feelings. Doesn't require people telling her that her husband will run off.

I think it is good to be financially independent or atleast have a plan for the worst case scenario. But no point droning on about it. I think the OP is being sensible by working part time so she isn’t unemployed and could take up a full time job if required.

I remember when I was a SAHM and an investment advisor my husband was consulting asked me what I would do if my husband suddenly died, I said well I would get a full time job. He then said do you think it will pay all the bills? I said I have enough money to keep me afloat till then. And if I didn’t fancy working or couldn’t find a job I would sell one of my properties and invest it/live off it. He then looked at my husband and said this one has a plan! 😂

YANBU. I feel the same. Like you, I continue to work part time and have no genuine plans to quit. I worked very hard to get to where I am in my career, and I have loved it, and I’m sure I will love it again.

But, like you, I was genuinely shocked by the seismic shift in perspective and priorities that happened for me when my eldest was born. I suddenly love all things domestic. I sometimes resent my job for taking me away from my children. I fantasise about winning the lottery and packing it all in. Mainly when I feel like I’m doing a rubbish job at juggling and failing at both parenting and work.

I completely get what you are saying, I think a lot of people are scared of saying it. I enjoy keeping a lovely home, cooking from scratch, trying new recipes, baking and spending time with my children doing crafts, playing games etc. I did take nearly 7 years off work from when I got pregnant with my daughter to when my son was 22 months old. But it was so hard to find a job again and I really struggled with my son constantly ill from nursery germs and no family to help me. The biggest problem I find is if you don’t have a support system especially family whom you can count on then it becomes really tough while juggling a full time job. I am back to working full time now and though I enjoy my job and WFH nearly all the time, it is still tiring and stressful. The cost of labour is so high here that it is hard to outsource things to other people unless you have a very high wage. We have to do most things ourselves! We do have a weekly cleaner but there is still so much to do! I think you are doing the right thing by going part time so you don’t have a gap in your CV and you are still spending quality time with your child. I would love to drop to less than full time but I am on a fixed term contract in a very stressful job so just going to continue till the contract runs out.

Financially I never worried much when I was not working, as even without my husband supporting me, I have savings and investments from when I was single and working, and also have inherited property and money from my grand father and father. So I could easily manage without working if I wanted to, but I feel it is important to set a good example to my children. Though I sometimes wonder if I should cut down my hours but it is so hard to find jobs which allow so much flexibility once you are mid to senior mgmt. I enjoy working but for me best of both worlds would be 3 days working at best!

Because mumsnet is full of desperately sad women trapped in horrible marriages and one of the first things they usually say is ''I can't leave, I'm a SAHM and have nothing''.

It is a huge risk and I don't blame others for pointing it out.

OP I could have written your post. I was also so career driven, built myself up a fantastic career. As soon as I got pregnant I just didn’t want to put all of my focus on it anymore. I just thought the most important job I will ever do is be a mother.

I went part time to two days and reduced my role yet kept senior and good pay, pension etc, I couldn’t face giving I’m my career up altogether. I love having that time with my two girls and now my youngest is at school I really love my domesticated days I have to potter and take care of our home. I’m fortunate that me being home (mostly) has meant my DH has been able to willingly go all in at work and is a high earner. Our family literally couldn’t function without our individual roles.

I do enjoy my job but I’d happily give it up too as I really enjoy being a homemaker. It’s so odd to me as well as I was so not domestic at all growing up and so independent. But I realised I was so independent because of the need to be, now I have a loving partner and we can depend on one another. So strange how the mindset shift comes and knocks you off your feet. I feel as though my thoughts growing up were massively influenced by our generation being told we can have and do it all. But I’ve realised as I’ve gotten older that I don’t want to do and have it all and that’s ok too.

I am literally right there with you OP! I was always so career minded and independent growing up, I was on the property ladder by 23 and started in my profession at 21, working my way up with consistent promotions to senior management by the time I had my little boy at 37, then the day he was born it was like a switch just flicked in me and all of a sudden I just wanted to stay home with him all the time, keep the house clean and tidy and cook home made meals everyday! It’s so weird I think this side of me was always there but just never had the opportunity to come out. Before I had him I was always first in and last out when it came to work, some weeks working in excess of 10 hours (unpaid) overtime. I can’t imagine feeling that passionate about work now, it feels so far down on my priority list but we can’t really be without my salary as it’s the lions share of our income

And many last the course happily. But let's not talk about that hey.

Many marriages “last the course” miserably because the partners haven’t kept their financial and/or career and/or housing options open. Not because they are actually happy to remain married.

Being trapped in an abusive or bad marriage due to financial dependency is a hellish prospect.

You misread my post - the depressing part is is endlessly being told to think our marriage is going to end in divorce. And it is endlessly repeated on these threads.

Protecting yourself and making sure you aren't leaving yourself financially vulnerable is never depressing. It also doesn't mean that you are endlessly thinking that way.

They never mention "but what if he dies" or "but what if he becomes ill" or "but what if you have an unwell parent" or "what if your child turns out to be Ted Bundy" or any other potential disaster in your life.

It's always "you know he's going to cheat on you and leave you for a younger model and where will you be then?"

Like it's inevitable. Despite around 58% of marriages lasting the course. More than half. But let's focus on the bad side of it, right? Plan for that.

It's always so depressing on these threads when people go on about how you should live your life as if your marriage is about to break up. Of course it might do whether you're in work or not. Of course finances would change. But who thinks it's healthy to think this way endlessly?

Thanks for the divorce klaxon guys! Now let people live their lives that they are actually living without the doomsday scenario. We do realise this! We're not naive female fools!

Awaits the "but, but!" doomsday reminders

I think it's really sweet. My mum only ever wanted to be a mum and housewife. She did work as we got older but her primary goal was a happy home and family life.

She's warm and maternal and fun; I'm serious and analytical and have no desire to SAH. Neither is wrong. Little girls learn everything by example and my mum gave me the best one which is that you can be whatever you want to be! If you want to work and find meeting your career ambitions fulfilling then you can. If you want to stay at home and focus on family life then that is also fine! Feminism means we get to choose.

I think it's lovely that you acknowlege this change in yourself, have a supportive husband, and together have the means to follow your new desire to SAH. Life is too short to be unhappy if you can avoid it!

Yes exactly. Also how easy it is for them to re-enter their profession. It's quite possible that a SAHP with a wealthy partner and savings, assets etc would be in a better position post divorce than a full time worker on a lower income. I think if you plan to be a SAHP it's good to be aware of how much you'd get (and how you'd cope financially) in a divorce - but it's not a problem unique to SAHPs. A lot of couples would have to downsize etc in a divorce

A SAHM of a wealthy partner is going to do better
Certainly. I'm thinking though that posters writing how they had to live modestly and do without just so they could be a SAHM are probably not married to wealthy men.

Not to be crude but it also depends on the value of the marital assets being split. A SAHM of a wealthy partner is going to do better than someone where there really isn't much to split. The SAHM in these scenarios may well find it a lot easier to retrain and enter a reasonably well paid profession than lots of people imagine.

Re the comments about divorce...to be fair, I work full time and divorce would still ruin my finances. 50/50 would mean a much smaller house, less money etc etc

I admit SAHPs are more vulnerable in a divorce but tbh it's going to be financially difficult for most whether you work or not

I stopped being interested in work pre-baby. Had a big burnout, and seven months out. Then worked part-time whilst studying for a year, then a short break before a much better paid job, had my son, and went compressed hours.

He's in nursery 3 days a week, but because I WFH, it feels like a four day weekend every weekend.

My dream would be to send him to nursery three days, write, DIY, garden and potter.