To find DS4 so bloody annoying

Although a great nursery/preschool should notice ND masking at the age of 4.
4 year olds cant mask as effectively as an older child. Even subtle ND behaviours can be spotted by experienced early years staff.

Use reins for your son when he is out. They attach to a vest of straps. Always hold on to him. He is a runner and possibly will not be trusted to listen until he is six.

Well that’s great then! 😊
So speaking with nursery might help and if there’s nothing they mention that sticks out as ND or a hearing issue, maybe it’s just normal jealousy that will resolve as he gets older and goes to school.

It's possible that him being fine at nursery and then acting out with you may be indicative of the enormous effort he has to make to fit in with behavioural norms at nursery. At home, he can let go of that stress.

To build on my previous post about having 'special time' with him, I once read that with difficult children it's really helpful to love bomb them as much as possible - so giving them your full attention, praising them (even if you have to look hard for something to praise), making them feel special. It can really 'lift' their behaviour. As I said before, my DS's behaviour was very challenging, and I look back now and wish I'd realised that he was a very little boy, he was vulnerable (later diagnosed), and my expectations were way beyond what he was capable of managing. It's not helpful to compare with other children either. You need to meet them where they're at, not where you think they should be.

Seek help from your GP. Your son sounds as if he could have some additional needs, and you are going to have to learn to meet them if you don’t want worse situations down the line.

Is family counselling an option? Parental classes? That isn't an insinuation that you are a bad parent, it's that they may have thought of things you haven't. Have you looked up any videos on youtube? I know you said you've done some reading. Perhaps visible examples would be easier, I know I find it easier to watch things.

Get as much support as you possibly can. Get your husband on board and tackle it together.

I am sorry this is all so hard for you.
It is tempting to think that life would be better without him, but I am willing to bet a fortune that if he became really ill you would be frantic with worry and be by his bedside. It is OK to think these things .... we are all only human... but not to make them manifest in your behaviour! ... as I am sure you know.

This really does sound like jealousy and it looks as though you have done lots of the right things, like trying to give him one to one time. But so far none has worked.

Have you tried playing the big brother card? Oh baby cannot do X, she is not as grown up as you. Could you help me with this: baby is too small and I need you. Has he got special grown up tasks of his own that highlight his big brother status?

Do a bit of subtle "ganging up" .... thank goodness you can do X,Y,Z ... it really makes me happy. It will be good when baby gets as good as you at these things.

I have not read all the thread, so not sure how old sister is. Sorry. But I am sure you get the principle I am suggesting. Baby girls can be so cute, and this is just at a stage when his initial cuteness is wearing off! He needs to feel valued in other ways.

It is tough I know but you will get there.

Think ahead to when he is a lovely growing young man and she is a sulky teenage girl who is driving you nuts!

I had similar with DS who is NT but only just. (Borderline ADHD-inattentive).
I had his hearing checked at least 5 times across primary.

'Smart but scattered' was recommended on MN - it helped me a lot.

Sounds like he's realised being naughty gets your attention even if it's negative. The way you talk about him is quite sad - finding him annoying, dislike spending time with him, wishing you didn't have him etc and thst will be coming across in your intetactions. Sounds like you need a reset focus on praising the good things he does and less reaction to negative actions.
If he runs off at the park remove him and explain you can't stay there as he's being unsafe. Good luck!

So in that case, could you find time at home to be with just him. So if DD goes to bed before him - explain that’s because he’s a big boy now and he can stay up for a bit longer than his sister.

If she is having a nap, you can say ‘DD is having her nap now, so let’s help mummy in the garden’, or ‘let’s make a farm set up whilst DD is having her nap’.

Its tough single parenting when you have a toddler and a 4 yr old but whilst it’s not always possible to not do house chores during nap times, when you can, make him feel like your time is with him at that moment and then explain he needs to play while you make tea or whatever.

If you think you DS might be neurodiverse, speak with his key worker at nursery in the first instance - ask to see their notes, ask how he reacts to them asking him to do something or how he reacts to certain things, such as a lot of loud noises, sensory play, etc. If they flag something, then it’s a good time early on to speak to your GP and ask for some support in moving forward with assessment.

If he’s off to school in September, that might really change things - hopefully in a positive way.

I think of you often, OP. I’m sorry you’re still struggling so much. I think there’s a combination here of a quite tricky child and some unresolved emotional issues surrounding your feelings towards DS that you seem to have been dealing with since your DD was born. I know you say you can’t afford counselling and I do understand that, but I do think you need some help here. I imagine you don’t have contact with a HV any more so your GP would be a good first step. I really hope you are able to speak to someone. Lots of posters rightly concerned for your DS, but also it isn’t fair on YOU to carry on this way. It’s no way to live.

He's still a toddler at 4. Sounds like you're trying. He can probably sense your pull back from him. Could he have an undiagnosed condition.

4yr olds are annoying, I have one. I wonder if you’ll feel similarly about the baby when they turn 4.
I know when my DC became an older sibling, I expected more from them, they had the ability to understand, it’s like they were choosing not to.

I’m not sure what you have tried other than firm no etc from your responses.

But what has worked for us is really rewarding the problematic behaviour.
An example in your situation I would do, would be giving them a star in their star jar when they managed a day of not licking us. Which when full they get xxxx of their choosing.

for example, we went through a difficult stage with going to bed, so whenever they went to bed nicely and stayed in bed all night, in the morning they would get a star!
They would also loose stars, if they did behaviour that wasn’t acceptable!

When your child is horrible to you, you MUST NOT take it personally.

Children can be very unpleasant, it’s just the way it is for some if them. I went through a long phase of not enjoying being mother to my daughter. But I knew it was my job to love her and be the parent she needed. It wasn’t a case of enjoying it, I had to grit my teeth and get through it. It was my duty - there was no one else who could do it. She’s a lovely adult now.

I looked after a child in a professional capacity, who behaved in exactly the same way. He was never reprimanded or guided by his parents. His siblings were totally different.
he was tested for and diagnosed with ADHD - I’m not suggesting your son
has this but how you describe his behaviour is exactly how this other child behaved.
I hope you can find strategies to help him control his behaviour if possible and make your life happier. 😊
good luck - xx

I didn’t realise it was public toilet, so yes, that changes it. Life must be pretty amazing for you if you react like that to everyone’s mistakes.

It’s not as easy as reading advice and putting it into action and getting the desired solution (or not in some cases).

It’s about trying lots of little things - finding things that your son responds to and understands. If he doesn’t hurt other children at nursery but does at soft play, there’s a reason. Either it’s because nursery boundaries work for him or it’s because at soft play when you’re there with him and DD, he sees you with DD and wants you to himself. He knows hurting other children will force you to react and be with him.

Can you go to soft play with just your son and explain to him that you would like some DS and mummy time together. Tell him that sometimes, you need time with just him, like it used to be. Tell him DD also needs you but you enjoy DS time too.

He is doing it for your attention.

Go to:

tnlc.info

Follow their guidance and stick with it for months and years. You will soon cure him.

My child has asd and her behaviour is very much like your son. She goes to special school now. But some of the things they have used have been a game changer. So we have a star chart removal Velcro stars you get stars for good listening, kind hands, talking kindly you can add your own 4 things that need work on. 5 stars you get a reward. The other is an empty jar that you fill with marbles. So every time he tidies up you put marbles in the jar when it’s full you get a treat. You have probs tried similar as I had but this was so much more simple to understand and works they use it in school and use it at home. 70% it’s good. Which is a lot better.

So he’s at nursery and has friends - that’s a positive and I think by now, nursery would have flagged up any ND presentations if they’re a good nursery with staff who understand SEND.

If he’s hurting others at soft play and gearing his frustration towards you, it could simply be jealousy of his sister. I apparently used to pinch my baby sister whilst she was being fed (I was 2) and as I got older, I would bite and pinch if I got jealous (people playing with my toys etc). It didn’t last long but it was definitely down to jealousy and not understanding the whole new sibling thing.

@hoppingandhop its not your son, its the phase he is going through. I found 4 yrs a real challenge with all of mine. sailed through the apparently terrible 2s then at 4 just before starting school they were exceptionally hard work. the key I found was actions and consequences. he is old enough to understand this. if you do x then y happens if you do a then b happens. I had a chat with the child before going out to make it clear that for example if they ran off, no treat or if they whinged we would leave wherever we were straightaway and I stuck to it and it was bloody hard work. I did have reins, always with me on the pram and if at any stage of life my children ran off and didnt come back I put them on and made it clear that these were essentially only for babies or for those who act like babies and cant be trusted. along with this, I did give my 4 year olds more trust. so sitting on the park bench letting them walk to the swing themselves or to help with the cooking etc. you just have to stick at it whilst keep saying to yourself that this too will pass.