Moving away aibu

84 replies

mumguilt1978 · 22/04/2025 07:02

I have an opportunity to move 300 miles giving me a much better work life balance, better pay and future opportunities. My ds is almost 20 and refusing to come, which is fine but he is making me feel very guilty.
I have purchased a property that enables him to live with me, but now the move is imminent I’m starting to wonder am I being really unreasonable asking a 20 year old to move or expecting them to get a place and start adulting if they don’t comply?
He has a job but nothing special or non transferable. He could just about pay his way if he stays and increases his hours. Could come and get a similar job.
So I guess AIBU to move away from a 20 year old that has chosen not to come?

OP posts:

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 22/04/2025 07:23

Largestlegocollectionever · 22/04/2025 07:04

You’re effectively abandoning him unless he moves and I can see why at 20 he doesn’t want to leave his friends.

I wouldn’t do the move unless I knew they were coming and it was a better move for them too.

Abandoning a 20 years old adult??
How ridiculous. He is not being abandoned, he's making a decision not to move.
@mumguilt1978 YANBU. Live your life. Do not feel guilty that your grown up son doesn't want to leave his little friends. He can either come with you and get a bloody grip, or start to stand on his own two feet and stay with his playmates.

Malvala · 22/04/2025 07:20

Largestlegocollectionever · 22/04/2025 07:04

You’re effectively abandoning him unless he moves and I can see why at 20 he doesn’t want to leave his friends.

I wouldn’t do the move unless I knew they were coming and it was a better move for them too.

Oh give over … he’s 20 not 12.

OP YANBU to put yourself first. He’s well able to support himself if he wants to. Good luck with the move.

Agix · 22/04/2025 07:18

YANBU. He's 20. An adult. He can make his own choices (i.e he doesn't want to come with you) so he can also lead and manage his own life.

You are not abandoning him., he's not a child. If he was a kid who needed you, he would've had no choice but to come. He has chosen not to. He can take lead on his life now and you're not doing anything wrong.

Fidgety31 · 22/04/2025 07:14

I wouldn’t do it . 300 miles is a long journey to see each other

tilypu · 22/04/2025 07:13

While being a parent is forever, there comes a time when life needs to be more about what you want and less about what they want. Your son would hopefully be moving on themselves in the not too distant future.

If it was me, and it was feasible, I might wait a couple of years, but with them fully knowing that it was going to happen so they had time to figure out their next move with no immediate pressure. But if this is an opportunity that might not be available in a couple of years then, yes, I would do exactly what you are proposing. And make sure that he knows there is always a bed for him should he decide to come after all, for whatever reason.

You've got to live your life too.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 22/04/2025 07:11

It's fine. I'm sure there are plenty of house shares available. Many of us were living independently at that age and he does have the choice to move with you.

Pippa12 · 22/04/2025 07:10

I think at 20 he’s old enough to stand on his own two feet. I think if you’ve given him enough time to save abit of cash and find alternative accommodation you’ve been reasonable. He won’t be homeless as he has the option to join you.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/04/2025 07:07

Personally I think now that your child is an adult you are well within your rights to make life decisions that suit you. I think you're a parent for life but there should be a limit as to how much you're expected to sacrifice for them.

Largestlegocollectionever · 22/04/2025 07:04

You’re effectively abandoning him unless he moves and I can see why at 20 he doesn’t want to leave his friends.

I wouldn’t do the move unless I knew they were coming and it was a better move for them too.

Unflip

1 2 3 4