Moving away aibu

I can see why so many young people end up homeless, in a life of crime, drop outs when you read this thread. Parenting doesn’t automatically stop when the clock strikes midnight and they are eighteen.

In reality, young people do need a lot of support and guidance to launch successfully. It is not their fault, the cost of living is sky high, jobs are often temporary and lack security, housing is scarce and there is very little chance they will manage well on a low income with limited prospects.

What qualifications does he have to secure better employment op? What are his options? Can he train into a professional role so he is able to fully support himself? Have you shown him how to manage key life skills such as cooking? Budgeting? Life admin? Can he drive so he is able to visit you? Long distance travel is extortionate.

All of these things are worth considering in detail.

I would start looking on Spareroom for him to show him the options of where he could live if he stayed behind. I would make the move. What happens if you are still in this position with him in 5 years time? 8 or 10? You cannot put your life on hold for him.

@Testingmypatience1 lots of Ds's friends have stayed behind in their uni accommodation rather than going home over holidays. It depends how fun being at home is, how much there is to do etc. I never went home in holidays instead choosing to stay with my boyfriend at his parent's beautiful house in the countryside. Home was a 5 hour train ride away from uni so no weekend visits either.

This man is 20. This may help him toward independence and if it all goes pear he has a home with his parent albeit in another place. She hasn't bought a one bed, there is room for him there.

Not all of them do. My DS has spent his uni holidays working (both in uni town and abroad) or travelling. Not running home every holiday

Not always! And sometimes they make the move a permanent one.

I saw something very similar here recently. I can’t remember the thread title, sorry.

The parent moved and the adult child stayed and had a go at living independently. They quickly decided to take up their mum’s offer and join her.

As you will have space for them, you are definitely not abandoning them. They might flourish on their own or might need to move to live with you. Either way the experience will be good for them

It’ll be a good experience for him to be independent. If he finds it harder than he expects, he can land at your new place- that needn’t be permanent either, unless he finds he likes your new town when he lives there.

It’s a low risk way of him finding his own path. Look at it similarly to him moving away for uni- you’ll still be in touch and see each other, it’s not as if you’re moving to the other side of the world.

What 20 year old is seriously going to want to move so far away from all of their friends and the life they have for a room in their mother’s new house 300 miles away? It was never going to work.

WTH ? She's hardly abandoning him if he has the option to go. If he chooses not to that is up to him as an adult but what you are suggesting is basically being blackmailed to stay by another adult.

Ha! Well they spend over half of the year at home. Hardly the same.

Did you miss the part where she said she bought a property specifically so he could move with her?

He's 2 years into adulthood. I know housing is expensive for young people now but you can't put your life on hold for adult offspring. I have a friend that was given the choice when her mother moved when she was 18y. It turned out well for her. Her older brother stayed and worked where he was and he did fine too. Your son will be fine no matter what happens.

What a dismissive post, I’m sure she doesn’t do his laundry now.

It’s not about laundry, it’s about the relationship. Moving so far away will absolutely impact their relationship, perhaps indefinitely. You may not care where your dc are, whether you see them or not, the relationship to you might be entirely irrelevant the minute they reach adulthood, if you are like this in real life. Fighting wars, working and raising children can all be done within a close family network.

Choosing to move so far away when he is so young isn’t in his best interests, clearly. No parent is obliged to want a close connection with their adult children, but most do. That is what is at stake here. It’s up to op.

No doubt he will survive but that is a very low bar isn’t it.

I wouldn’t want to be 300 miles from my child under any circumstances

Really? So say your child decided to go to university 300 miles from where you live, would you move to be closer to them?

You have offered to move with you and there is room for him. Keep that door open in case he can't manage on his own. Absolutely support him with the transition but you cannot put your plans on hold for adult children imo

I think you should move.

He knows he has the safety net of moving with you if he needs to and that also shows him you’d like him to move with you if he’d want to. Perhaps he needs to come visit and see the place for himself.

Has he got relatives or anyone close in the area you’re leaving him in? It’s not easy but he could easily meet someone in the next few years and move away or settle down in the area to be with them and start his young adult life and you’ve missed a chance. Not nice for him, but not cruel either.

What am I reading. Some of you are clearly the reason why we've got a cohort of kids who aren't even able to make a phone call without a nervous breakdown.

OP: move. He's a 20 year old working man not a boy. There are men his age with kids, men his age fighting wars. He can handle a 300 mile move if he's really that desperate to still have his mum do his laundry for him.

He's 20, an adult. He has a choice. Move with you or stay where he is.

Of course, he could stay and when/if he finds it's too hard/too expensive/doesn't want to be independent, he could move later. IF you still wanted him to.

If it was me I wouldn’t consider the move for another five or so years.

I think it's a rough choice for the 20 year old, especially if you don't HAVE to move - but living life on the whim of when they might be ready to move out is pretty cruddy too!

There is definitely an upside to you both having more independence, are there house shares available?

I think in reality a 20 year in a poorly paid job but a home and friends established where you are now is an extremely challenging prospect, he isn’t an established adult by any means. Most newly adult children are supported by parents at university, and come home regularly.

I wouldn’t want to be 300 miles from my child under any circumstances. That is a choice you are making, but you can’t blame him when it impacts your relationship with him, and your relationship becomes cold and distant.

By default you are withdrawing support, and choosing money and prospects over a relationship with your child. It depends how important he is to you, and how much it means to have a close bond with him. Or not.

I would say this will definitely be a defining choice you will be making, and your doubts and concerns are valid.

As a minimum I would be helping him financially to secure accommodation, until he is in a stronger position to support himself fully. Or he could end up homeless.

It is a choice you can make, because he is newly adult, but I would weigh up what it might cost you and him in the longer term.

He's an adult. Yoi've offered to accomodate him in your new place and he has refused. His choice.

Many kids go to Uni at 18 and get on really well. As a parent you can help with accommodation/guarantees etc and you can meet often. Unless there is some form of need then I think your plan is fine. I would not let him guilt trip you.

He has 2 viable choices; his not liking either of them is not your problem. 20 yrs old is plenty old enough to start standing on your own two feet in a house share or similar. Yes, he may well need to get a better job or increase his hours to be able to afford it but that's life. It sounds like he's coasting a bit at the monent. You need to do what's best for you and your finances now especially given the dodgy job market.

Why is he living at home with you? Does he have SEN or mental health needs?

If he has no additional needs and is just at home because he can't be bothered to move out or doesn't want to have to pay proper rent, then I'd say go! He needs a wake up call! If he has a decent reason, like a MH need or sen, then I'd stay and give him a two-year timescale and do everything I can over that time to get him prepared and ready either to move with me or go into supported living of some kind, or get his own place..

You’re not abandoning him. He has the choice to come with you and have a home with you or to use the money he’s earning at his job to pay for his own place where you currently are.

Hes allowed to be annoyed at the situation being presented to him but that doesn’t mean you are in the wrong.