Moving away aibu

Many children are returning home after uni as they can’t afford to get on the property ladder. Living at home at 20 is quite usual nowadays

How is a 19/20 year old going to afford to pay bills and live alone?

You can’t compare kids going off to university to this.

How often do you think you will see him once you have moved?

Where I live, a non posh area of South East England, a rented room in a HOMO costs about £850/£850 per month. I’m guessing the OP’s DS earns about £1500 per month. I don’t think that’s a great life for a just 20 year old. There’s not much spare money to save or go on holidays. I’m surprised so many people are encouraging the OP to move.

Oh that is tricky - do you have any links at all with the new area? I can see why he would be reluctant to leave friends if they are all still at home and he has no easy route into new friendships

although 20 should be old enough to stand up on their own two feet (and I am convinced some boys stay at home till they marry and hope to get a mummy replacement in the process ) but if you are in an expensive area you are forcing him to take a bid shift down in living quality if he stays

it’s odd - if he was 14 I would be “ yes of course just move him” and if he was 30 I would be “ good grief “

He doesn't have to though. He's able to move with his mother.

He's an adult. You've done your bit, go live your life.

Do it and don’t feel guilty.

I am moving away next year when my 18yr old goes to uni. I have stayed in the very expensive South East where I can’t afford to buy for many years so my DC could stay at their excellent school. DD could stay with her older brother and his GF if she really wanted to (in holidays or if she chooses a London Uni) but she knows I am going. I can’t wait another few years as i’m 50 next year and not even started a mortgage. Her father is moving overseas, and he doesn’t feel guilty so neither will I. My DD fully understands and i’m sure she will enjoy the new location. 20 is old enough, sometimes we need to take selfish decisions.

If moving doesn’t take him away from a promising career path, then I don’t think you are wrong to move and suggest he come with you.

Not many would be my guess.

My guess is not many, because when they get there a twenty year old is still a fledging in most cases. Most are at university and still have a great deal of scaffolding.

The parents on here that have pulled away at such a young age tend to be the ones that still believe in the school of hard knocks.

Op maybe he is ready in a practical sense but not ready emotionally. If he was he would have no issue with you moving away. There is one thing being able to wash, cook and drive and quite another being completely alone without your parent hours and hours away. Maybe he is worried about being isolated, feels afraid to be facing this situation so soon. He may not be able to verbalise his fears or be embarrassed to do so.

You probably need to talk to him in more detail and find out more before making a decision.

I wonder how many posters on this thread have kids who are 20 years old, in lowly paid jobs who have moved out into a shared house. I'm not talking about going to university, that's a totally different ball park and not remotely comparable.

DH and I plan to move to the other side of the country when DS finishes university (ages away). We’ll buy a 2 bed so he always has a room. I can’t see a problem with it.

He is an adult. He is not being abandoned. He has a room if he wants it, and clearly had plenty of time to make alternative arrangements if he did not want to move away.

He’s old enough to choose and make his own life. Plenty of people move away from their parents at 18 and never move back - you pretty much have to where I’m from because there’s a lack of professional jobs here.

OP, you sound like a fantastic mum. You’re offering more help to your son than a lot of children get.

He’ll be fine or he will come live with you and try again if it goes wrong somehow.

Enjoy your new adventure!

Abandoning him 🤣. He's 20, not 2. How long does everything have to revolve round your child? 21 years? 25? 30?!

The dilemma is that if you decide to stay for your DS, what happens when he decides in a few months/years that’s he’s actually ready to live alone if a friend asks him to house share or he meets a partner etc and then you’re passed up an opportunity for nothing.

You have the right to make this decision for your own reasons. Let DS know that he is welcome and wanted in your new home but you understand that he needs to make the decision about what he’d like to do for himself.

It sounds like you have laid the ground well for him: it probably feels a bit scary for him to take this next step to more independent living but it will do him good to give it a try at least.

I wonder how that poster would cope if like my nephew her DC moved over 3000 miles away to study. Move to where her DC is? But then what happens if there are more than one DC and they both move a long distance from her if different directions.

I really don't get the attitude that a 20 year old is a child and must be looked after and nurtured as such. At 20 years old he is a grown man with all the legal rights and responsibilities that come with being an adult.
I am honestly shocked at those saying that he is still a child and his mum should continue to be unhappy where she is so that he can play with his friends. I would love to know at what age do you think a child becomes an adult? Do you think your children should stay with you until you are ready to let them go?
I remember that a lot of families used to have that weird uncle that still lived with their mum into their 50s. (Think Timothy in Sorry) The excuse used to be that they hadn't met a nice girl yet (actually their mum had sabotaged every relationship they had) or that they couldn't manage to live on their own. Are we going back to that?
OP, you have already purchased the new house so it's not really up for negotiation. I hope you have a lovely new life.

Surely if he's got a good friend network he's more likely to know someone that knows someone looking for flatmates? If not then there's room at his mum's new place as a back up.

Honestly the birth rate is low enough as it is without expecting mums to put themselves second indefinitely.

So get your own place then like a grown up 🤷‍♀️