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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away aibu

84 replies

mumguilt1978 · 22/04/2025 07:02

I have an opportunity to move 300 miles giving me a much better work life balance, better pay and future opportunities. My ds is almost 20 and refusing to come, which is fine but he is making me feel very guilty.
I have purchased a property that enables him to live with me, but now the move is imminent I’m starting to wonder am I being really unreasonable asking a 20 year old to move or expecting them to get a place and start adulting if they don’t comply?
He has a job but nothing special or non transferable. He could just about pay his way if he stays and increases his hours. Could come and get a similar job.
So I guess AIBU to move away from a 20 year old that has chosen not to come?

OP posts:
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AprilBunny · 23/04/2025 08:55

Things were so different in the past, I left home at 19 and never returned. My parents divorced when I was 22 so there was no ‘family home’ to visit at Christmas or Sundays and I did find that hard.
I have 3 DC’s in their 20’s and 30’s and I have found they seem properly grown up around 26. Two of them did go to university and all have the life skills to look after themselves,

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2025 08:37

I get this OP, it's not young people's fault that they are more dependent on their parents but it's not unreasonable to reach a point where you want to make decisions that suit you. As you say he could be dependent for decades, an awful long time to keep putting your life on hold.

FedupofArsenalgame · 23/04/2025 08:34

Theunamedcat · 23/04/2025 07:40

No two but one wasn't settled she moved a lot for work

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So she only followed one DC. How strange

Theunamedcat · 23/04/2025 07:40

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 20:43

Did she only have the one DC? Can't see how it would work with more

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No two but one wasn't settled she moved a lot for work

Crikeyalmighty · 22/04/2025 22:47

My son was in a shared house the week before he was 18 - as we moved 14 miles away . He had a job but very average earnings - I helped him out by £200 a month for the first year - he absolutely thrived - within 18 months he was in a shared house in London and a decent job -offer to help him out if necessary if he wants to stay - it may be the making of him

Original poster
mumguilt1978 · 22/04/2025 22:40

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 22:17

Is there a dad on the scene?

He moved abroad when he was 2. Still in contact and sees maybe once a year but no practical help. He would also be welcome there but doesn’t want to go.
Has grandparents. Aunts and uncles here who are happy to help, support, provide accommodation (refuses this option) etc

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 22/04/2025 22:32

I wouldn't do this to a 20yr old. Ok he's an adult, but he's not financially independent. Unless you are prepared to pay for his accommodation I don't think it's fair. Kids need to be nearer 25+ these days to be able to survive financially alone.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 22:17

Is there a dad on the scene?

grumpygrape · 22/04/2025 21:37

I can see both sides but I do wonder what would OH’s son would do if he met ‘the love of his life’ in the next week, month, etc. Would he say he couldn’t move in with her because he needed to stay and support his Mum ?

He's an adult and OP has given him a choice. She says he could get similar work in her new location. She’s still offering him a home and he wouldn’t be worse off.

If he was 2 or 10 or 15 he’d have to go with her. He now has a choice.

Original poster
mumguilt1978 · 22/04/2025 21:11

@AlertCatthats the thing that worries me. He could leave in 6 months or a year and I’ll have missed an opportunity. Or he could still be here when he’s 30 and I’ll give another 10 years to parenting.
I acknowledge this is harsh but an opportunity has arisen and no one knows the future. I’m sure life was simpler in the past when young adults were just expected to leave home and fend for themselves.

OP posts:
FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 20:58

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 20:48

@FedupofArsenalgame 20yo don’t get full minimum wage

Even doable on full time at the £10 an hour Don't know anywhere that does pay that low tbh Even McDonald's pay about the minimum wage on younger ones. My DS was getting £10.50 an hour at 17 (. 4 years ago)

AlertCat · 22/04/2025 20:57

AprilBunny · 22/04/2025 19:24

Where I live, a non posh area of South East England, a rented room in a HOMO costs about £850/£850 per month. I’m guessing the OP’s DS earns about £1500 per month. I don’t think that’s a great life for a just 20 year old. There’s not much spare money to save or go on holidays. I’m surprised so many people are encouraging the OP to move.

While I see your point, I can also see an argument for the son to accompany his mother in the move if he’s facing that sort of obstacle. Otherwise at what age does she get to live her life, rather than arranging her life to suit him? Most of us do that gladly for our dc while they’re children, but at some point we might need to do our own thing.

There are posters saying that it’s becoming normal for 30yo to still live with their parents; if so, I would argue that there is a time when the child needs to accommodate the parent- eg move with them if they want to stay living with them. The OP wants to take a great opportunity for her- probably enhancing her working life and her pension. Should she really turn that down now?

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 20:57

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 20:47

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv when was that when everyone stayed in their uni town?

@FedupofArsenalgame DS has a job that he does in his home town during the holidays.

Many students are struggling to find jobs either at home or in their uni town. Many graduates are also struggling to get jobs

See my DS has a job in his uni town. And worked abroad one summer and a bit of travelling in Thailand the next one. He's also renting a flat with his girlfriend rather than in student accomodation

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 20:48

@FedupofArsenalgame 20yo don’t get full minimum wage

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 20:47

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv when was that when everyone stayed in their uni town?

@FedupofArsenalgame DS has a job that he does in his home town during the holidays.

Many students are struggling to find jobs either at home or in their uni town. Many graduates are also struggling to get jobs

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 20:45

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 19:30

How is a 19/20 year old going to afford to pay bills and live alone?

You can’t compare kids going off to university to this.

House share like many do I suppose. Single room all bills included is £6)700 ( we are in South East)

Full time minimum wage job would cover hjat

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 20:43

Theunamedcat · 22/04/2025 19:39

My aunt did after her eldest moved permanently to her university town

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Did she only have the one DC? Can't see how it would work with more

FedupofArsenalgame · 22/04/2025 20:42

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 19:40

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv moving away to uni is in most cases not really moving away. DS is at uni in 2nd year. He is currently 200 miles away. He finishes this year in a couple of weeks time and will be back home until September. So I don’t class him as moved away

My DS is 3rd year. Think he spent the grand total of 4 weeks at home in holidays since he started

Original poster
mumguilt1978 · 22/04/2025 20:02

Thank you everyone. I guess everyone has their own take and experiences. It is very difficult and while having other people’s input is useful to see that I am neither being reasonable or unreasonable I guess I just have to get on with it now.
20 is a difficult age old enough to be independent but practically independence is hard. I had left home by 18 and have never returned but I guess times are different. I think he needs the opportunity to succeed by himself with the safety net of a home to go to if needed. Won’t stop me feeling a bit guilty though for a while.

OP posts:
dunroamingfornow · 22/04/2025 19:47

I know someone who did this and her relationship with her children has never recovered

Fgdvevfvdvfbdv · 22/04/2025 19:44

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 19:40

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv moving away to uni is in most cases not really moving away. DS is at uni in 2nd year. He is currently 200 miles away. He finishes this year in a couple of weeks time and will be back home until September. So I don’t class him as moved away

I guess this is where different experiences play a part - almost everyone I know who moved away for Uni stayed in their uni town and never came back after finishing their degrees.

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 19:40

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 19:30

Many children are returning home after uni as they can’t afford to get on the property ladder. Living at home at 20 is quite usual nowadays

I have friends who still live at home in their 30s because the monthly bills would swallow up their entire wages.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2025 19:40

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv moving away to uni is in most cases not really moving away. DS is at uni in 2nd year. He is currently 200 miles away. He finishes this year in a couple of weeks time and will be back home until September. So I don’t class him as moved away

Theunamedcat · 22/04/2025 19:39

tilypu · 22/04/2025 07:58

I wouldn’t want to be 300 miles from my child under any circumstances

Really? So say your child decided to go to university 300 miles from where you live, would you move to be closer to them?

My aunt did after her eldest moved permanently to her university town

Fgdvevfvdvfbdv · 22/04/2025 19:35

Plenty of 18 year old move away for Uni, I think I would try one last time to sell it to him that way- that it will be exciting, opportunity to meet new people, find out what the nightlife is like and sell it to him that way.
If he wants to stay though I think he is old enough to find a house share. A lot of people have done that at his age.
It’s a new start for you both either way, I wouldn’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers, it might not come around again.
Either way in the next few years your son will build a new life for himself - you need something for you too.