Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

I moved to be nearer DH.

When we retire we will move back to my home city where I have missed years with my family, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc

I thought when we moved DH would buy me the occasions flight to go home, or make a weekend of it - he avoids the city like a plague!

Neither of you are being unreasonable. I’d wait 4yrs anyway, as moving a teen is not great. I guess she needs to work out if she wants to move without you. When parents get older, there’s more of a pull to be nearby. I’m waiting for youngest of 3 to go to uni next year then i’m heading back north, not too close to my mum, at least 30-45 mins drive, but a lot closer than now. But only me to please as split with ex long time ago, and he is moving overseas so none of us will be left here, apart from DS1 who will be living in his dad’s house with his gf.

I realise she decided to move for you but I don't think it's fair to think that a young and childfree woman who is in love will feel the same a few years on when she has children. Most of us who have had a nice childhood wants our kids to have the same experiences that we did and in a similar place. If she grew up in a pretty market town in the West Country and she is now bringing her kids up in a Northern city I can see where she is coming from.

It's also quite hurtful that you are open to moving across the world but you wouldn't consider a few hours south. Somehow being near your first two kids is essential when it comes to moving to where your wife wants to live but not at all important if it means that you can live in Australia or US. It does sounds like you just don't want her to get her way rather than you desperately want to live where you have always lived and for that you are unreasonable and she will resent you for that for sure.

You come across like you’ve rejected her suggestion out of hand. You neeed to listen to her fully and if you don’t want to move, come up with some more creative suggestions.

You only get one life on this earth. It is interesting to live in different places. I don’t think either of you ABU, but if you can’t find a way to communicate about it, it may end the relationship.

Moving away for a couple of years abroad is completely different than moving away for the next 40.

Rather than making this just about location, it sounds like it’s worth properly talking to your wife about what’s prompting these feelings about wanting to move back to her hometown area.

Is she lonely where you are? Does she have good friends she spends time with? Does she have good friends back home she doesn’t get to ever see?

Is she worried about her parents? What’s their health like? Does she feel she needs to be closer to them if they are becoming frail? Or is she worried / upset / jealous that her family doesn’t have as close a relationship with the children as yours does?

Does she need more support with looking after the children?

You don’t need to reply to me with answers to the above and It may be nothing to do with them at all but I think it would be worth sensitively exploring where these feelings are coming from and how there may be other ways to resolve them without moving.

I would park the discussion until your youngest of your elder 3 reaches upper 6th, at that point starting the process of moving abroad or elsewhere in the U.K. is more feasible - plus you might change your mind. I wasn’t interested in country living at 40 but by 46 I did move to a smaller town but near a city.

The OP didn't care about staying close to his older kids, at uni or otherwise, when he was considering moving to Australia or the USA. He can hardly hide behind his kids to avoid moving to the West Country - it's pretty clear his kids aren't his consideration here.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I would be saying the same thing if the sexes were reversed.

I understand that she moved to you because you had children you couldn’t leave but it’s only natural that she would like to be heater her family once your children are independent adults.

Could you compromise on the nearest city to her hometown or at least two/three long weekend breaks planned for there each year.

Why aren’t you considering getting to know their mum’s side of a family a need too? So very patriarchal to think the only family they need to know is the Dad’s family.

We found that by Uni, most of their 6th form friends had grown away and they were closer to their Uni friends who live all over- London, Stirling, Hong Kong, Madrid, Wisconsin, Texas, Germany, Lithuania to name a few off the top of my head.

Neither of you are being unreasonable.
However, it may mean long term you don't stay together.

Obviously you can't move while you still have your older children 50:50.

Would you consider moving somewhere like Bristol in a few years' time?

@RedRock41 and what about the children’s needs. Moving younger ones away from everything they know, including their half siblings.

I disagree. The uni kids will also want to see their old school friends when they are back for the holidays, get a job etc. If the OP moves they won’t have any friends in the new location. It will be short visits at best.

Exactly. She went into it fully eyes open. When I got married I made it clear I was not moving to my husband’s hometown. It was a deal breaker for me. He moved to be with me. I’d be very miffed if he turned around now and said he wanted to move back. I don’t and wouldn’t consider it- I love where I live and whilst I’m happy visiting his hometown I’m always very happy to come home!

Don’t blame her being resentful. It’s all about your needs. Her happiness doesn’t come it into it seems. She has a point. She has sacrificed for you. Knowing you aren’t willing to ever do the same must make her Q the relationship.
To say she chose to relocate is true. Was it easy? Probably not. She is entitled to change her mind. To not even offer a compromise is poor. Probably will be a deal breaker long term as if anything happens to her family when she longs to be closer be very painful for her. Double down if you must but a better way to handle it would be to confront it head on. Can we talk? I’ve been thinking through what you said and I know it’s important to you… I want you to be happy. What can we do to compromise…

YANBU. You had kids where you are, before your relationship with her started, and she knew it. She moved up to be with you and started a family.

OP can always go and visit them at Uni. I’ve visit my older DC at their Uni abroad 2x this year and they spent 1 week Christmas with us and 1 week Christmas with their partner.

OP just seems unwilling to put forth effort or sacrifice on his side and expects his wife to do all that so he can have it easy.

It would be reasonable of you to consider it but not until your youngest older child goes to uni/starts full time work. it wouldn’t be fair to move far away before then.

I get your wife’s point though. She moved up there for you and has lived up there all this time. Would be nice for you to do the same for her for a bit. I don’t think I’d want to move north, it’s cold and wet enough down here! There are cities in the West Country too. Bristol is a great city.

a fair compromise would be for consider it in 4 years time.

Talk to her, find out if she has been hankering to escape the city for some time.

She isn't proposing uprooting the DCs now, but moving home at some point in the future, after your other family are adults. In four years your younger DCs won't have started their GCSEs. There would be a chance to move then.

I have some sympathy with her. I moved to a Midlands city to be with my ex and hated it. The noise, traffic, pollution, it was horrible, so bad I ended up on ADs. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to live there. In my case, he'd promised to move if I didn't like it, then reneged on his promise, so slightly different. I couldn't cope so me & DS left.

If your current home is making her genuinely unhappy, this could end your marriage. In the end, you want different things, and you don't seem willing to compromise.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice but if uni kids suddenly get 2 homes many miles apart they are more likely to use the one in their home town as a base. So OP might not get to see them much at all. DS has a part-time job in the holidays in his home town, he wouldn’t be able to split his time between us if one of us decided to move to the other side of the country

Yeah except “home” changed every 2-3yrs while they were growing up and who knows we may decide to not come back. 🤪

She’s telling you she’s unhappy. That might be because of her current location or it might be because she feels that she makes all the effort and sacrifice and you just sit pretty. Either way, she’s not happy and what you chose to do with that information is up to you.