To not tell my kids the truth about why we had a second Easter?

OP, the parenting app should have a calendar so I’d make sure the court ordered times and dates are noted in there and if he wants to change them the communications to and fro should be recorded there, as will any other communication. Never say anything on the app you don’t want CAFCASS or a Family Judge to see.

I understand why you record handovers to reduce his control over you; he’s being very devious by avoiding the CCTV.

Vague but honest is the way to go with the children.

I have a feeling once he loses direct control over you, you may have a bigger hill to climb as he sees the children less or tries to alienate them against you. There will always be someone here who has been through it though and can help.

Courts are very pragmatic regarding Orders. They understand that they aren’t set in stone if both parties agree and are flexible but if one party is taking the micky and causing conflict you will have the details in the app to fall back on.

It is possible for non-resident parents to parent well but, sadly, it doesn’t sound as if he’s going to get an award in that class. His conduct in Court will show the true him. Good luck to you and the children.

I struggle with the fact that you didn't point out to him he's got the timing wrong.
It feels a bit martyr ish.
Also it's up to the dad what he does at his house. So don't make assumptions about what he is going to do. (eg Not everyone does "Easter" stuff.) And don't tell the kids your ideas.
You seem to be in bits thinking your child thinks you lied. You just say I got it wrong it wasn't a lie, sorry you're feeling confused. Don't make a big drama about how he made you lie. Because that's not what happened

When dealing with a difficult ex and your kids, remember JADE; don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It just gets you drawn into his game playing and it will unsettle the kids.
There's a difference between preparing your kids for what's about to happen, and micromanaging your kids feelings, and to me it sounds like you cross that line.
Be more vague. Don't lay out the itinerary for the weekend your ex has his kids. And be more matter of fact about the whole thing. Stop it with the 'special time with Mummy'; they need to adjust to the change and that kind of thing isn't helping them.
You don't need to defend your position. Don't get drawn into playing games with your ex, rise above it. You are the parent. You need to give them a sense of security. If they pick up that you feel insecure, it won't help them.

I feel for you .

I think you need to stop protecting their feelings that come from their dads actions - that are at the detriment of their view of you.I understand why you do it - you are thinking of their feelings - but , if it leads to them seeing you as unreliable when they already have an unreliable dad then they will suffer.

When they go , say you will see them again on X day - not a specific time . That way , that’s the truth of it. If they ask about times say you aren’t sure but Daddy knows .

The only thing that could be an issue - is Dad saying “ you have to go back at X time because Mummy said “ - I wouldn’t put it past some of these men to be honest . That itself is unfair and I don’t see how you can combat that - maybe like others have said , see if early help can support in any way ?

What a difficult balancing act you have. You want to give your children routine and certainty and he is pissing that up the wall and worse setting you up to look flakey and inconsistent in front of the children. Don't absorb the blame for his manipulation and game playing. Obviously you don't want to fan any flames/ give him any ammunition, but if they bring up the change in tome, just clarify the situation without attributing blame "My understanding was you were coming back at X time. It's lovely to see you now though. Let's do xyz" and move on the conversation to something else.

You need to visually record the drop offs and pick ups as that sounds ridiculous. Pop your phone in a top pocket and put it on video record or get a go pro. Standing back telling you not to come any further while allowing his children to struggle with their things. Absolute arsehole, but he's doing it to make you out to be the dangerous one.

Sounds like you won't have him in your life for much longer tbh, sounds like he cba. He gets till 6pm and drops them back at 9am. That's a bloke who feels he has something better to be doing with his Sunday.

Did ex txt you new pick up time - show the 6 year old -look daddy wanted me to get you at 9 so I changed the plans

I think you're going a bit overboard with the explanations, and that's confusing the kids - but I totally understand why.

Next time I think just go for @BigHeadBertha's suggestion:

"No, I didn't lie. Daddy just changed his mind, that's all. Now, let's have our special Easter."

And just stick to "don't forget you're going to Daddy's tomorrow" or whatever, and don't get drawn into the 6 year old's questions. Just say you don't know, it's up to daddy what you do there or something.

Good luck, he sounds like an absolute tool.

Easter is over so there's no need to revisit discussing this weekend but maybe try a different approach going forward. I'm wondering if perhaps you're giving them too much information about the specifics of what will happen. It's enough to say you're going to Daddy's. Don't tell them anything specific about what will happen at Daddy's (second Easter, home after dinner etc) because he's so unpredictable that you don't actually know what will happen. If they ask just say 'that's up to Daddy.'

Hopefully you mean OP's ex-DH when you talk about parental alienation. She never criticises her ex to the children and always tries to put a positive spin on their time with their dad.

OP's ex does the exact opposite. He ignores the court order to suit himself and the kids come back from time with him saying things like 'Mummy why do you spend all of my money and all of daddy's money?'

He was an abusive husband and he uses the children to carry on the abuse after the divorce.

Sounds to me like you handled it perfectly

İf he changes the drop off time, you don't have to go surely?

You can just reply 'see you at six pm outside İceland'

Sorry he's doing this to you. I would also write down about the kids not getting any help with their backpacks.

If you're intent on drawing battle-lines and keep reinforcing it with divisive vocabulary, the "mummy time" versus "daddy time" and saying your Easter is the best Easter in the world, you'll eventually end up with very screwed up children. Be aware that parental alienation is a thing.

I responded to your post that seemed to be advising the type of support OP could expect from early help. Responding to posts is how a mumsnet thread works, kind of like a conversation 🙄

OP said that this is the first contact since a new court order stating handover at 6pm. Why would it not be a surprise to OP to have the kids handed over at 9am when that’s not the legal arrangement ? She had to tell the children something because it was Easter.

You didn't lie to them. Dad changed his mind. Just tell them that. It sounds like he's trying to poison their minds against you. Deliberately changing plans and then saying 'well mummy was lying when she said...' I can't imagine them accusing you of lying off their own bat?

Just don’t promise them stuff because you don’t know if he will actually do it.

Say “you are going to Dads house and I will see you on Sunday”.

Don’t put them in the middle of your drama.

They will soon be old enough to see him for who he really is.

Not sure why you’re telling me this? I was just passing on my understanding of what the posters were referring to.

💐

I think you need to go into less detail. So you’re going to Dads and will be back on Sunday. If they ask what time- say Oh I’m not sure but anytime will be fine.
If they’re asking / quoting stuff the Dads said about spending the money- simply say “oh that’s not true honey, don’t worry about things like that.”
Dont give them a reaction to pass back to their Dad. They do not need to be involved in such detail. Especially at a young age.

Im sorry your ex is being silly with what he says to them. It’s very unfair.

I understand the relationship was abusive but your no longer with this man so he doesn’t get to have the control anymore. You need to be more assertive and TELL HIM the court order has changed and the new time is 6pm. Some men are shit partners but really good dads that put their kids first. Your ex doesnt sound like one if those men. Sounds like if you say black he says white. I would send the kids to their dads and say I will see you Sunday. No need for a specific time. The kids have told him ‘mum says we’l be home at 6pm’ so he’s brought them back at 9am and disregarded the new court order that he (definitely) is aware of.

kids can have a plan without being too specific.

If you find he is being too difficult you need to get advice or help from an outside source. Your priority is your kids health and happiness.

Just say dad changed plans without getting too much in details.

You've had lots of good advice and I agree with others to be vague about timings.

Be factual and honest but with no emotion. "I'm not sure why daddy brought you back now but let's do x,y,z and have fun/ I am happy to take you to your activity."

If they say you are spending Daddy's money I think it's again fine to say something like (if he pays maintenance) that when a daddy lives in another house they still need to help pay for things you buy like school uniforms, clubs, etc, things like that. Parents needing to help with their children even when they live in another house. I've never commented on amounts, just keep it factual.

I have always told my eldest that I use MY money, and a bit each month from his dad to give him a happy healthy life. I've always talked to my children openly about money, about how I pay all the house bills, buy us nice food and clothes and then we have a little bit left for things like fun activities.

If asked about spending or anything at dad's I just say I'm not sure, and to maybe ask Dad. How he does things at his house eg food and money is up to him just like it's up to you at your house.

In a way it's about grey rocking the kids too but in a gentler kinder way, he is trying to upset and destabilise you through these things the kids parrot back to you.

They will eventually see through it if you stay calm and factual with them.

I also sometimes talk generally about people who say mean things about others. Often friendship issues with their peers can be used as a general tool to learn about why people sometimes blame others, are unkind, seem angry, say mean things etc.

Also: this is emotional abuse and parental alienation. I'd advise keeping a factual non emotive diary of any times he doesn't stick to, any questions the kids have, any upset behaviour from them, any adult things they parrot back etc.

Also ask their school to be aware of this. Speak to their safeguarding lead or emotional well being person and ask it's noted on file and they are kept an eye on and checked in with. They need to know they previously lived with parents in an abusive relationship and that dad is trying to continue this via the kids. It will affect them so everyone else around them needs to look out for them and be there for them.