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Original poster

To think parents should never argue in front of their kids?

39 replies

MyAmusedOpalCrab · 21/04/2025 21:15

I’ve always believed that children shouldn’t have to witness their parents’ disagreements. Even if it’s just a minor argument, it can create stress, insecurity and tension for them. I get that some people think it’s healthy for kids to see disagreements handled maturely, but in reality, most arguments aren’t calm, rational discussions - they’re emotional, heated and sometimes even petty.

Wouldn’t it be better for parents to resolve things privately rather than risk making their kids feel caught in the middle? Or is it unrealistic to expect parents to always keep disagreements behind closed doors?

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 21/04/2025 21:35

I never saw my parents argue (despite eventually getting divorced!), both quite avoidant.

I’d say it made me pretty terrible at conflict resolution - addressing problems and it took me about 15 years to work out that having an argument wasn’t a catastrophe.

BatchCookBabe · 21/04/2025 21:33

It's not always that easy to always NOT argue when the kids can hear ...

And even if you don't - kids aren't stupid, they will know if things aren't right between their parents.

Original poster
MyAmusedOpalCrab · 21/04/2025 21:33

LaurieFairyCake · 21/04/2025 21:26

Respectful disagreement is a good thing to model to children, otherwise how are they going to learn to do it?

If there’s conflict where people exhibit behaviour under stress, raising voices or rudeness then it’s crucial that children see them taking responsibility for their behaviour and apologising to each other. Again, this is behaviour we want to model.

Anyone can be a twat under stress, it’s really important to apologise for it.

That’s a great point… I do agree that modelling accountability and repair is so important. I guess where I struggle is that in the moment, many parents don’t get to that ‘apologising and reflecting’ stage right away, and kids are left stewing in the stress of the disagreement. I think if parents can genuinely follow up and show what resolution looks like, that’s valuable. But when the conflict just simmers or escalates, that’s where I think it does more harm than good.

OP posts:
Isitisit · 21/04/2025 21:31

DH and I rarely have the type of heated, angry, emotional argument you describe. If we start to go down that road then we stop and cool off for a few minutes and then usually both apologise. I’d prefer my son to see us disagree respectfully and apologising if we are in the wrong along with our mechanisms for disagreeing that stop us getting into anything heated.

Original poster
MyAmusedOpalCrab · 21/04/2025 21:30

MissHollysDolly · 21/04/2025 21:23

It’s healthy to show disagreements - in a mature/respectful way. Children can see these being resolved and a healthy loving relationship contiunuing. Else - how will they know that a small argument with their own partner isn’t the end of the world? How will they learn to argue?

I do agree that kids can learn a lot from seeing conflict handled maturely - if the disagreement is calm and respectful. My worry is that most real-life arguments between partners aren’t like that in the moment. They’re emotional, tense and often unresolved for a while - which can leave kids feeling anxious or even responsible. I think there’s a difference between healthy discussion and heated arguments, and the latter is what I think should happen out of earshot.

OP posts:
Whoarethoseguys · 21/04/2025 21:28

I think it's very important to see disagreements and arguments between parents.
Children need to see and experience them as a normal part of relationships. And see the disagreements resolved.
I know a family where the parents seemed go have a perfect relationship. Their children have been unable to sustain a relationship because they are looking for perfection and they can't cope with conflict.

scalt · 21/04/2025 21:27

No. Children need to see that adults disagree sometimes, which is fine if they show healthy ways of dealing with it: listening to each other, and arguing until they hammer out a compromise. Suppose that parents never once disagreed in front of their children: it might be a massive shock to them later when they enter the world of adults, and have never had any experience at all of disagreement. Children need to experience these things in a relatively “safe” way. Completely shielding them does them no favours at all.

JoyousEagle · 21/04/2025 21:26

I disagree. A respectful argument that is resolved and doesn’t have any lingering bitterness is fine. Children need to learn that you can argue, apologise, and move on.
Yelling and screaming insults and then the silent treatment and seething resentment is obviously different.

zoemum2006 · 21/04/2025 21:26

DH and I 'argue' in front of our kids but there's never any anger between us (just we've gotten hangry and can't find a parking space type thing).

They know we have a good relationship with great communication so they aren't bothered by any small annoyances.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/04/2025 21:26

Respectful disagreement is a good thing to model to children, otherwise how are they going to learn to do it?

If there’s conflict where people exhibit behaviour under stress, raising voices or rudeness then it’s crucial that children see them taking responsibility for their behaviour and apologising to each other. Again, this is behaviour we want to model.

Anyone can be a twat under stress, it’s really important to apologise for it.

sweetpickle2 · 21/04/2025 21:25

My parents never argued in front of me and my brother, even when it was clear there was tension or they weren’t getting along. The way they modelled repressing emotions and the subsequent impact it had on me and how I form relationships and react to things is something I’m still working through in therapy now, age 40.

No child needs to witness screaming matches, but pretending you never disagree isn’t healthy either.

MissHollysDolly · 21/04/2025 21:23

It’s healthy to show disagreements - in a mature/respectful way. Children can see these being resolved and a healthy loving relationship contiunuing. Else - how will they know that a small argument with their own partner isn’t the end of the world? How will they learn to argue?

Purpleturtle43 · 21/04/2025 21:21

It's healthy for children to witness disagreements and conflict resolution (within reason). It's normal in life to not always agree with someone and it's ok for children to see this and not be shielded from reality.

SeedyHotel · 21/04/2025 21:20

Sometimes it’s healthy for children to see normal healthy arguments with the process of resolving the issue. It role models that arguments will happen - we’re all human, and that the problem can be fixed.

What’s not healthy is constant arguing or bickering, and equally to hold onto simmering anger over something but hide it from the children - they’ll pick up that something’s wrong but see the adult bottling it up.