To think parents should never argue in front of their kids?

My parents (married for more than 40 years) once pointed to a park bench, and said that once, before I was born, they sat on that bench and had a huge row, which they thought was the end of their relationship. The rest is history.

Some people are using “arguing” to mean disagreement, and having frequent violent rows. They are very different things.

Minor disagreements now and then, not a major issue. I grew up with parents who argued badly, it really did impact my childhood. My DC didn’t have to endure that, as I left as soon as our relationship got rocky, and they grew up in a harmonious, chilled household. Their dad and I have an excellent co-parenting relationship, I never want them to feel like I did.

Screaming, shouting, storming off, and obviously any form of violence and abuse is unacceptable in front of children.

However, minor and general disagreements every so often , especially where a resolution is found at the time or shortly after, can be healthy for children to see, so long as it doesn’t involve the other stuff above. Children need to learn how to manage conflict and this is one way they learn.

A normal relationship between anyone, let alone a cohabiting couple with children, will always involve disagreement, conflict and resolution. It doesn’t help to hide that.

What are the negative effects of parents arguing in front of children?
Emotional Distress: Children may feel anxious, scared, or confused when they witness arguments. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and instability in their home environment.
Behavioral Issues: Exposure to conflict can result in behavioral problems, such as aggression, withdrawal, or acting out.

If you do argue in front of children.. please make up in front of them too.

Respectful disagreement and resolution in the presence of your children is a hell of a lot healthier than trying to pretend all is well and thinking they can’t actually hear you screaming at each other, and worse, behind closed doors.

Children aren’t deaf or stupid.

One thing I would say is I do feel arguing is more scary for very young children.

My husband was brought up thinking arguments didn’t happen. His parents never had a disagreement. I don’t think that’s healthy.

My parents were the complete opposite. Also not good.

Our children have seen us disagree. The most important thing is they see we resolve it and discuss it. It’s not normal to never have a cross word. It’s healthy to show that we move on, apologise and there’s no toxic sulking or shouting.

Totally agree with @AquaPeer

a perfectly safe, sanitised, conflict avoidant environment doesn’t prepare children / young adults for real life. I know a few people from very gentle, peaceable homes with conflict avoidant parents and they’re all struggle so much.

Obviously no one wants to row in front of their kids.
clearly within that there are levels of okay, not okay through to abusive and adverse childhood experiences.

Simmering unexpressed resentment or anger isn’t necessarily better. Expecting yourself to be perfect and calm the time isn’t ideal imo either.

It’s difficult and I know what you’re trying to say but we can’t just shield our children from normal levels of discomfort or fear. Real life is uncomfortable sometimes

My parents never argued in front of me or my brother.

i’ll be honest, it wasn’t great. We knew there were tensions and I had to work out for myself how to deal with things.

Why do you ask op? Are you arguing infront of your kids/had your parents do this to you? Or is this a journalist?

It teaches them how to apologise, resolve conflict & not to take any shit. My parents never apologised but we frequently do in our house. It’s liberating & helps us all be ok with being human. We’d never scream at each other though so I agree with you on that one. That’s not good for kids at all.

I’d put it on a par with mothers who never really discuss menstruation with their daughters but just deliver them a package of tampons with an instruction booklet. Apparently in some generations it wasn’t uncommon for girls to think they were hurt when they saw the blood, Life is messy. It’s best they learn what they are dealing with. It’s also , I think, important in helping them know when a relationship really is abusive or goes too far. If they know their parents are bottlers, how will they ever know where normal limits of what to put up with lie?

Obviously, it’s best for all if there aren’t many arguments; but from time to time it’s normal.

This is so true.

I have two friends who grew up in the sort of home where the parents would never “resort “ to arguing. There was a lot of bottled tensions and, to be honest, passive aggressive behaviour. But never anything you could pin down.

Neither of these friends have been able to pursue successful adult relationships. They are both single as, every time they have ( or feel like having) an argument, they decide the relationship is defunct and run away.

One of them in particular is quite passive aggressive in all his dealings.

OP has said that in her experience arguments aren’t always well-handled but - aside obviously from physical violence or abuse- it’s actually not the sedate ones that are all that helpful. Children need to understand what adult emotion looks like, and to learn to navigate it. You don’t want the first time they experience it to make them wonder if something is wrong with them.

You sound like you’re reading from a book rather than experiencing real life.

We rarely (used to!) argue but when we did we were awful about it so I agree. Fine if you can talk things out like ‘adults’, not at all fine if you’re exhausted and snappy and horrible to each other. Our children would not have learned anything that would help them from us!! I think they learn it from how we deal with them mostly though

Kids need to know that living with people is hard. That it takes commitment and compromise. That it’s not weak to admit to being wrong. That we can show weaker selves and be forgiven (if not abusive). Love is a daily choice.

I agree with your general point.

My parents used to have the most terrible shouting matches when we were in bed. They assumed we were asleep but it was impossible not to hear every word. It cast a shadow over my childhood as I would walk on eggshells and worry they would get divorced (might have been better if they did)

We don’t have those sorts of arguments fortunately but the kids do hear low level bickering from time to time. I think that’s probably more healthy than holding everything in until things reach boiling point.
As I said in my previous post, it is harder with older kids as you have less time alone and they completely understand what’s going on.

💯 agree …

I see what you mean. In my family we often banter and have disagreements with eachother, but we know where the boundaries are,

I never discuss anything that could get heated or be a sensitive topic whilst the kids are around, we usually plan those kinds of conversations for when the kids are asleep. We’ve had the very odd disagreement infront of the kids, but never anything that escalates - small things “I don’t like the shoes there” or “why don’t you recycle that” that might be frustrating for the other. - and might lead to a longer discussion about “why do you never put the shoes away properly” or “I can’t believe you still don’t take recycling seriously” - but if it escalates and there is an underlying tone, one of us is pretty good at bringing it up before bed and saying “hmm is there anything you want to talk about”.

It takes so much maturity to do this though! My ex who I had my first with was awful and we would argue in from my of our daughter but he usually ignored me if I said “let’s talk about this later” or we unknowingly wound eachother up and clashed to the point where things escalated before we could catch them.

So whilst I completely agree with you, it really takes a level of maturity and understanding of conflict resolution and discipline from both parties to ensure that the children do not witness anything nasty.

Hasn't anyone seen Friends? The one where Monica and Chandler have an argument and he thinks that therefore their relationship is over? That people, that!

Yes quite.
How old are your children OP?
My eldest doesn’t go to bed until around 10pm, my youngest goes to bed at 8.30.
That gives us a very small window to have a row?! 🤣

Df and my stepmum can bicker in a loving way and sometimes they get frustrated with each other, but there's usually a pattern to it.

I think where it involves major important issues like discussion of finances and big decisions that needs to be resolved away from DC.

Also there's a risk that your DC won't agree with one parents view or response - usually no one is right or wrong but it's quite frustrating as a child (or even adult child). An example is arguing about other relatives. Everyone has an opinion.

In terms of shouting rows- those are really traumatising. My Dm and Df had lots of those. Arguably it was because there was passion but no I just think its a terrible way of communicating and really puts the fear into kids seeing parents blow up.