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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

107 replies

Thecrystalkoala · 21/04/2025 18:20

Hi guys

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this?

Ex husband has our child every other w/e.

She is 10 but about a year ago started changing downstairs so I asked him to leave her to herself to wash her body etc when it’s bath time (of course keeping an ear out and asking if she’s ok). He said ok and that was that.

I’ve recently been teaching my daughter how to wash her own hair. It’s VERY THICK and she doesn’t do a good job so keep re washing it. I asked her if I could go in earlier and wash it for her as we were a bit strapped for time. She covered herself (her choice) while I quickly washed her hair.

I don’t know what prompted me but I asked her if her father still washes her in the bath to which she said yes. When I asked if he washes her bits she said yes.

Im a bit weirded out by this because 1/ I asked him to give her privacy and 2/ She’s developing downstairs and upstairs and I just think it’s not appropriate to be honest.

He is the definition of a narcissist and often ignores my advice (to her detriment in the past) he’s even told me previously that I should look after her more by washing her in the bath and doing her hair. I think encouraging independence is a good thing personally.

Anyway, I digress. AIBU?

Thanks

OP posts:
NoisyTurtle · 21/04/2025 18:32

NoisyTurtle · 21/04/2025 18:31

This post makes me feel icky, a toddler or even a 5 year old sure. But a 10 year old girl who is going through puberty - absolutely not. Why is he still doing it?

It needs to be stopped because what is he going to still be washing her at 13, 15?

NoisyTurtle · 21/04/2025 18:31

This post makes me feel icky, a toddler or even a 5 year old sure. But a 10 year old girl who is going through puberty - absolutely not. Why is he still doing it?

Original poster
Thecrystalkoala · 21/04/2025 18:29

BundleBoogie · 21/04/2025 18:25

You are not being unreasonable and need to have a firm word with him about her privacy as she develops.

You may want to edit to clarify the language you use as it wasn’t until the end of your post that I understood what you meant by ‘changing downstairs’ - I thought you meant a location in the house. ‘Approaching puberty’ or ‘developing’ might be better?

Thank you. Sorry it wasn’t clear. I should’ve re read my post back. But I did tell him specifically what I meant and he knew very well as I was very literally and specific. He has no excuse to have misinterpreted what I said. :-/

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 21/04/2025 18:29

I also thought you meant changing downstairs in the house!!

My 10 year old has been washing herself for years.
Why is he actually doing it?
Does she just not want to be independent or something else?
I'd say to her she needs to do it herself now and it's time to do it herself at her dad's as well because she's getting older.

meganorks · 21/04/2025 18:28

I think a yen year old should certainly be washing her own bits. That's not something I've helped with since they were toddlers to be honest. I think it's fairly normal for kids to be washing themselves by 10. But also to want some privacy. My youngest is 11 and while not bothered about privacy particularly, I do try and leave her to it. She sometimes as for help if her hair is really tangled.

How does your daughter feel about it?

BundleBoogie · 21/04/2025 18:25

You are not being unreasonable and need to have a firm word with him about her privacy as she develops.

You may want to edit to clarify the language you use as it wasn’t until the end of your post that I understood what you meant by ‘changing downstairs’ - I thought you meant a location in the house. ‘Approaching puberty’ or ‘developing’ might be better?

TimeForTeaAndG · 21/04/2025 18:24

Does DD absolutely need to have a bath while she is at his for a weekend? Can she have a quick shower before she leaves you and then one when she returns?

It certainly sounds odd but I don't have any advice on how to approach this. Does DD understand good/bad touching, pants rule or whatever works for knowing if it's abusive?

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