To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

This is really fucking weird behaviour from him, the fact that she covers herself when you help to wash her hair is concerning to me on that she doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell her dad she doesn't want him to wash her and doesn't cover up when he sees her

A grown man washing a 10y Old's genitals?

Hell. Fucking. No.

I needed to wash DD10's hair a week ago and she wouldn't allow me (fair) in the bathroom. She had a shower, got dressed and then I washed her hair over the bath.

He's out of order and it's fucking weird. He has zero respect for her privacy or what you've told him.

Stop using words like 'upstairs' and 'downstairs' though, it's confusing.

So what are you planning to do OP?

This is very uncomfortable reading and I’m not sure I’d be leaving my daughter stay overnight again.

my dds needed help with their hair until they were 11/12- mainly with detangling as they have very thick curls, and both had quite long hair when younger. From about the age of 8 they would wear a swimsuit in the bath / shower while I sorted their hair, then remove it once their hair was combed through with conditioner and I had left the bathroom so that they could wash themselves. At their dads they only showered without washing hair which they could do themselves from a fairly young age, they didn’t need his assistance. As others have said, your ex needs to respect your daughter’s privacy, and she is more than old enough to wash herself.

My DD just turned 11 and I personally would have an issue with this. Like yours her body is changing and I will wash her hair for her as she can't seem to rinse it out properly she will do the rest independently. Quite unsettling at that age to have her dad wash her bits.

This really is ringing alarm bells. There is a chance that you confronting him could lead to abuse being covered up. I think I would just call the police. These things need to be handled very carefully, if she is being abused and there is any "putting words in her mouth" which can include asking directly without her freely disclosing, it may not stand as evidence. The police will know the right way to go about things.

Definitely unnecessary. Can she lock the bathroom door and avoid needing hair washes when at his?

This has made me feel uncomfortable! Unless she has additional needs I can't see why her dad would be washing her bits or even entering the bathroom. My children were independent with showering by that point. Prior to them being independent I would hand them a flannel to wash thier own bits, I can't remeber the age that started but it was pretty young, possibly around 3 or 4. I also remember being 10 and I would have been very uncomfortable for an adult to be washing me. I'm not sure I'd want to send her back there, I'd be worried she is being sexually abused and doesn't even realise as she has always been washed by him.

Yeah. No - I doubt any normal dad or mum washes their 10 year olds private parts and I’m fairly sure any normal dad or mum would know this.

when you say wash her bits, does this mean with his hand or a puff/flannel/sponge? My dd is 9 and I still wash her hair at her request while she uses a puff ball to wash her body. I see no reason for an adult to assist with that but if he’s just using shower gel in his hand that’s very wrong.

It's absolutely inappropriate for an adult to intimately wash a 10 year old if there is no impairment or disability. I would be extremely concerned that your ex has been doing this after you specifically let him know it was time to stop. Please call the NSPCC helpline for advice. Do not attempt to deal with this yourself.

I've just read this post to my DH, and he is absolutely HORRIFIED and said there's no way he would be doing that with a 10 year old daughter!!! So that's it from a man's point of view OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. As I said in my earlier post, I would like to know how your daughter actually feels about this, and whether she's told him she doesn't like him doing it, etc. If this is the case, I wouldn't be sending her there ever again. Has he ever behaved inappropriately toward her before that you're aware of?

What the fuck, not one of my child required me to wash them at ten years old and even when they were needing assistance in the bath still I taught them as soon as they were old enough to wash their own intimate areas. This makes me feel sick.

This is VERY inappropriate OP, but have you actually asked your DD if she is happy for her Dad to see her naked now, and how she feels about him washing her.

My children have been washing independently from 6, I taught them how and sometimes do have to supervise hair washing (as DC2 who is 8 as they are a shampoo dodger) but wouldn't dream of washing them. I would be livid (at 8 and nearly 10) if dad was washing their private areas.

It is so inappropriate. Is your DD uncomfortable about it? I think I would be helping her understand boundaries and privacy and how to say no to her dad.

No I don’t think it’s appropriate. DS9 has washed his own undercarriage since he was 6ish. He averts his eyes if he sees me in the shower now so there’s definitely an awareness of private areas and privacy.

Why on earth would he be actually washing her rather than just observing gone toddler hood or hair washed. There I no need for any parent to be actually washing their child’s privates bar disability after toddler hood frankly.

I would have a conversation with her separately to explain she needs to do this herself and about touching/pants etc.
You need to speak to him individually to ensure he understands.

I would also make a passing comments to them both when together so they are both clear on your expectations and your DD can say 'muk said' if she needs to.

What on earth?!! At 10 I do not think that appropriate at all.

Sorry i know I’ve already commented but just adding, as an adult now looking back I’d be very embarrassed and feel uncomfortable that my dad was washing my private area at 10 years old, she’s going to secondary school soon right? In September?

My 4 yo washes herself in the bath - with me supervising, but she can do it. At 10 I’d expect most kids to be having baths & showers completely independently and definitely washing themselves independently. Really don’t think it’s appropriate that her dad is washing her esp her bits. I’d teach her how to wash herself completely independently and ask your ex to give her some privacy. If he doesn’t then I’d try and get it court ordered. I remember being around that age and feeling really uncomfortable and hating it when my parents came in the bathroom when I was in the bath. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I’d feel if my dad started trying to wash me. If you say she covers herself when you came in to wash her hair imagine how uncomfortable she must feel with her dad washing her bits. I’d put a stop to this asap

This is not appropriate at all. Even my 5 year old washes herself (under supervision) I wouldn't even be in the bathroom by 10. You need to talk to him about how inappropriate it is.

Oh yes, I’m sure he would have understood exactly that you meant - I just meant for my understanding on this thread.

I hope you can make your ex listen, otherwise it may put her off going altogether.

She really should be able to wash herself at age 10. Your ex is massively unreasonable, he needs to respect her privacy.

If she’s covering herself up when you went to wash her hair for her then I’d assume she’s not going to be comfortable with her dad washing her bits, I would have a serious talk with him and ask how your daughter feels about it