To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

No way would my father ever have done this with me at that age.

I'm shocked.

I was brought up in a flat which only had a Belfast sink - no bath (other than the one in front of the living room fireplace).

While I was still small enough to fit, I was bathed in the sink. I recall that my mother would tell me to wash my 'waterworks' myself.

I am astonished that the OP's ex is washing his 10 yr old daughter's private parts.

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OP please ring the NSPCC for advice.

This behavior is, at best, very odd. Unless your daughter has special needs then there is no need for her father to be doing this. It’s also worrying that your daughter isn’t able to tell him no. I have a niece this age and she would be horrified!

Also maybe get some advice on language and talking to both your daughter and other adult about these things. I haven’t hear the vulva referee to as downstairs outside of period dramas or books written before the 1960s. You can’t let your daughter see how squeamish and embarrassed you are about body parts.

How does DD feel about it?

I have a 10yo son and a 15yo daughter.
i am not even in the room when my son bathes and haven’t been in some time.
it’s been years and years since I washed him - he was probably younger than 5.
This is really uncomfortable. As has been suggested, you need to seek advice about how to handle this.

I would contact the helpline, if he's in any way like my ex he'll try to gaslight you and make out that you're awful for implying he's doing anything nefarious.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you being “unsure” what to do is almost as worrying as your ex’s behaviour.

You’ve been given very clear, good advice on this thread. Don’t sit back and let this continue.

It’s not appropriate.

You are an adult and you need to use proper names for body parts! You need to ensure your daughter understands and uses these too. There is no way of understanding what is happening otherwise.

It is not your responsibility @Mamamover to work out whether his behaviour towards your DD is inappropriate or abusive. It IS your responsibility to listen to what DD is telling you and and seek appropriate professional advice to determine what needs to happen next.

Yes. He shouldn’t be doing this. The fact that he’s choosing to is really off.

Yup. Still completely unnecessary.

You do not need to explain on here but you need to be very clear on what you actually mean when you asked her and what she understands by your questions. What "washing" involves. What "bits" are. And then call nspcc for advice . You can explain to a trained adviser.

" asked her if her father still washes her in the bath to which she said yes. When I asked if he washes her bits she said yes."

Well that was confusing for the post 😂

This is great advice, but before making any changes (which are definitely needed) @Mamamover should take advice from the NSPCC about what to do next. She should be very wary of addressing anything with DD as this might make her DD think that she's done something wrong or that she needs to lie to protect her dad.

Watch nspcc PANTS
Tell her and use the right vocabulary
Talk to her that anything usually covered by her underwear is private and she can wash herself there
Do not talk in riddles of upstairs downstairs

The whole thing is odd - you using terminology such as upstairs/downstairs/bits. You need to have a chat with your DD so she has the correct words for all body parts and talk about boundaries, privacy and saying no.

Your DH is way out of order washing your DD. My children washed themselves from years younger than 10.

Why doesn’t your DD have a shower and wash her own body and hair, regardless of where she is?? Encourage her to lock the bathroom door when she’s with her Dad. Explain to your DH that your DD will wash her own body going forward and there is no need to supervise her showers any more and to stay out of the bathroom while she’s in it. If he continues, you will have to ensure visited are supervised/stopped.

I think the use of oblique language here is confusing on the thread and if this is the terminology you use with your daughter, it may be confusing for her as well. I think* you are saying that your ex is "helping" your ,10 year old daughter wash her genitals and vagina while she is staying at his house. Is that correct? If I put it like that, is it very clear that this sounds very wrong for a 10 year old and her dad?

Like several other people I thought you meant she was getting changed in and out of her clothes "Downstairs" in the house. Teach her the actual words for these parts of her body and that these are private for her. Whether you or he help wash or condition her hair is a different question and I wouldn't conflate the two, although id expect an average 10 year old to mostly manage that too, maybe with some help if they've long hair.