To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

I think your coy language suggests you're approach to this isn't entirely "normal" either so it's very difficult to gauge whether his behaviour is odd or just seems odd in relation to yours.

Everyone needs to use the right words, especially if you think there's a possibility of or potential for abuse.

Sorry OP, but in a situation like this, who cares if he's cross with you, you MUST protect your daughter at all costs. If he's difficult about it, then you don't necessarily have to have any contact with him, other than by text to make arrangements. It can be arranged, assuming that your daughter IS actually safe with him, for a third party to take her to him when she sees him.

I'm really relieved that you are getting ready to speak to the NSPCC when they open, and hope that you will report back as to what they say.

Above all, try and keep calm for your DD's sake.

This is bizarre. My 5 and 7 year olds have been showering themselves (including hair washing) since they were 4. I only go in if they call me (which is rare)
I wouldn’t be letting her go to her dads until I was certain he wouldn’t be entering the bathroom when she was in there.

Please get support for yourself from a domestic abuse organisation, @Mamamover . It's very obvious you are frightened of him and terrified of 'doing the wrong thing'.

If he's done nothing wrong, nothing will happen, or perhaps he will just be forced to engage with some parenting guidance. Your daughter will not hate you. You would be neglecting your daughter if you did not talk to a professional about the concerns she has raised. That's the reality. I know it takes courage to do the right thing when you feel under threat. It's time to address how frightened you are of this awful man.

OP I am so glad you have contacted NSPCC.

some of the advice on this thread is naive and potentially very damaging. People mean well but they clearly have no safeguarding training and no idea what they are talking about.

i believe all parents should be given basic training in this area.

All those who advise talking to the dad - below from NSPCC

Never talk to the alleged perpetrator about the child’s disclosure. This could make things a lot worse for the child.

OP, why would your daughter hate you for being her protector?
As others have said, don't speak to him before NSPCC.
Good luck.

I was bathing and washing long thick hair much younger than this. My periods and pubic hair arrived at age 9 so this would have been extremely worrying.

You need to have a conversation with him. Tell him you’ve been speaking to your daughter about her changing body, periods, privacy etc and she’s said she feels embarrassed about him seeing her naked. Say with her approaching secondary school age you presume he’s already considered the appropriateness of assisting her with bathing/washing anyway so you told your daughter you’d let him know she’d like to wash alone. Then when she’s back from his next time check with her what happened. If he’s continuing to do it despite you being explicit his daughter doesn’t like it then ring your local mash team for advice.

I would talk to ex and tell him that your daughter is to old for him to see her naked. She's embarrassed and afraid to tell him but she does not want her dad to see her naked and he needs to respect that.
Then tell your daughter you have told her dad and she is to be left alone in the shower.

Do not questions your daughter further because it makes any disclosure invalid.

soeak to the NSPCC and mention concerns to school. Raise it with authorities

Well, she's 10, she's not a small child that needs help to wash. She's long past that. You told him a while ago she was developing & needed privacy not 'help'. He's tried to say you aren't washing her/ helping her (creating cover for himself)

DD is embarassed telling you, but won't tell him not to.

So how are you excusing his behaviour??

you need to tell NSPCC or SS, this morning.

Why are you giving this advice after a safeguarding expert has said this is dangerous?

do you have any knowledge of safeguarding - do you work on this field?

I would also ring NSPCC for advice.

That’s seriously disturbing and SS would take a dim view. I’d go so far to say as this may be sexual abuse.

Well i’d just speak to him about it. Tell him DD is embarrassed to speak to him about it, but she needs to shower alone now. It is difficult when they have long thick hair and need help, but maybe she washes it at yours only.

If he is a narcissist like my ex he'll make you feel like your saying the wrong thing anyway because they never think of anything else but themselves. You know it's weird your gut tells you that! Hope you can sort it out x

@Mamamover multiple posters have said you should speak to your ex about your concerns and/or do some digging with your daughter. PLEASE DO NOT DO EITHER OF THESE THINGS. My work includes Safeguarding. These are the worst things you can do. You don't have to take my word for this. Ask NSPCC for advice about whether these are good steps. I'm sure people have good intentions but the advice is dangerous and harmful.

I've got boys as a single mum so it's the equivalent. I haven't been in the bathroom with my 11 year old for several years. The 8 year old I occasionally help with hair washing as he has to use medicated shampoo monthly, which he hates touching. He does it all himself otherwise, and I pop is as briefly as possible (even though he's not in any way body conscious yet).

I've not actively washed them otherwise since maybe age 4ish.

I'd suggest doing a bit more digging. Does he ever watch her get changed for example?

OP you can’t let this carry on. After reading her reaction to how it makes her feel she’s clearly super uncomfortable and may struggle with feelings of shame and wonder if it was some form of abuse when she’s older. It could negatively affect her MH. It shouldn’t be on her to get him to stop doing it, she’s just a kid and it’s very hard to speak up about things you find embarrassing at that age. It also sounds like he’s unlikely to listen to you. However I would try, tell him exactly what she told you, that she’s very uncomfortable and embarrassed and make it clear he must never do it again. If he’s in any way resistant to this or you suspect he’s not going to change after you’ve told him she’s uncomfortable with it then report him to the NSPCC or social services. Check with your DD also after the next time she stays at his. If she says he’s done it again then go to the police and don’t let your DD go there again until the relevant services have dealt with it and decided on how to move forward eg. Supervised visits etc. Don’t tell him you’re reporting him otherwise he could try to manipulate DD into covering for him. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it to your DD either, just say you’ll have a word with him and not to worry, she’ll be having baths by herself from now on.

What do you think has motivation behind it is?

My goodness this is insane - at 10 with this girl going through puberty its abuse whether your ex wants to accept that or not.

This is wholly inappropriate.

The last time my ex was in the bathroom with our daughter she was about 6. Since then and unless she becomes incapacitated, he doesn't think it's necessary for him to help her.

Please take the advice given.

Get some advice from NSPCC.
Your DD locks bathroom door and tells him she is fine to wash and rinse.
No hair washing at his and no need for him to be in the bathroom.

If you think talking to him about this again or your DD saying something will make it worse and he stops her from locking the door and insists on coming into the bathroom then you stop contact and seek legal advice on protecting her.