To be annoyed/uncomfortable about ex doing this

I agree it was a poor response from NSPCC and not really in keeping with other experiences I'm aware of.

Well done for having the conversation with him after what the NSPCC said - that must have been really hard.

You definitely, definitely need to have a conversation with your daughter to try and empower her to stand up to her father and tell him very clearly that she doesn't want him in the bathroom with her, at all, when she's bathing/showering/using the loo. You're obviously scared of him (understandably, as he was abusive to you) so don't let your daughter grow up feeling the same way. She needs to build her assertiveness around him.

She needs to tell him that she wants privacy to bathe/shower/change and she MUST understand that if he refuses and continues to insist, she must absolutely tell you straight away.

The fact that he has continued to insist on bathing her even now that her body has changed and for a whole year after this was first raised is honestly really fucking creepy and I don't know any normal man who would make 'I want to keep washing my pubescent daughter's genitals' their hill to die on. Most men would WANT to back off as soon as their daughter's body started changing, even if the child wasn't bothered, it's bloody weird and creepy that he doesn't.

Further to my last post OP, as a matter of interest, was the person you spoke to at the NSPCC, male or female, as I find it extremely worrying that they seemed so disinterested, and wonder whether a man might be less concerned about this sort of thing that a woman.

Well what a pathetic response from the NSPCC! I'm sorry OP, you must have felt very let down by them. However, did they offer any further advice as to what you should do if he refuses to co-operate?

Next time your DD goes to her Dads, I would sit her down and say that at her age, her Dad shouldn't need to be in the bathroom with her at all, unless she's taken ill. So she should feel free to say 'Dad don't come in, I'll call if I need help', the moment she hears his hand on the door handle, and then if he refuses to do so, or tells her she's being silly or anything similar, then she must tell you as soon as she gets home.

Please do come back to let us know how this progresses OP, as naturally we're all concerned for your DD, and for you too.

This whole thread made me nauseous. I was having periods at ten!

Sorry he’s such an abusive twat OP. Have you heard of Our Family Wizard? It’s a messaging app for co-parents who struggle with communication. It monitors tone and detects abusive language and crucially is taken much more seriously in court than WhatsApp. So you can document abusive texts should you need to use them as evidence. It’s £100 one off but it’s worth it. Reading this I sound like an ad for it! I’m not I promise, but I found out recently if you end up in court the other party can easily claim WhatsApp messages are fake but with this you can’t

Ensure she knows what is all your doing? He's just trying to intimidate you but with meaningless phrases.

You tell DD that you've told daddy he doesn't need to to help her in the bath anymore and if she would rather wait til she is back home from a weekend then that's ok.

Definitely need a discussion with your daughter about setting her own boundaries with dad and one with ex about it too. I started shouting the phrase “wash your pits and bits!” Past a certain age and haven’t helped them since!

Well done!

In terms of communication with your ex are you aware of the grey rock method? Alternatively if family court is, or likely to be, involved yellow rock is a slightly more court-friendly version.

OP, well done for going to NSPCC. If they haven’t given you a next steps, would you be able to sit with your daughter’s school safeguarding lead and together tell her why you were concerned and how she can handle this, including contacting you if her father crosses a line ?

It’s not your ‘fault’, it’s all about him wanting power over you and unfortunately the only way he can now get that power is through your poor daughter. My best wishes for you both.

Well done, @Thecrystalkoala and I'm sure you're right about the ongoing trauma. It's very hard to heal from it when you're constantly re-traumatised through his behaviour as you try to co-parent. Did the NSPCC take your DD's details and did they suggest that you call back and update them? Hopefully they have already talked to you about next steps if you remain concerned. It's good that your dick ex is going to tell your DD that it's all your fault. She will learn that you are protecting her. You can tell her, if you wish, that you took advice because at 10 years old she should be bathing in private without help and that you can imply that her father needed to change his behaviour. This is an important and empowering message. If there is any fallout from this for your DD, please keep notes and seek further guidance.

Have you accessed support from your local domestic abuse organisation, or do you think that you could? I feel it could really help you deal with his ongoing abuse.

he will do as I’ve asked but he will ensure she knows it’s all my doing.

Right
So he will say
"Dd I cannot come in and spray you with the shower hose while you are naked because mummy said so. "

Dd will be like
Yeh duh

What an absolute 🔔 end to put it nicely. Good for you and fuck what he thinks or telling your daughter she will understand if not now later. Bless you sounds like my ex, it took years to get over the torture and id rather be slapped than the mental side of it. Sending hugs your way

Absolutely not. Dd is 7 and has a supervised bath and doesn't need me to wash her in her private areas. I just stand by the bathroom door letting her get on with it.
Dad definitely has no concept of boundaries.

Again this is bad advice. OP is seeking advice on safeguarding from the NSPCC.

this advice would play out very badly if (and hopefully not) there is abuse

The OP has already discussed this with him. He has continued to do it. I think you're being very naive about what's actually going on here, to be honest.

I understand your worry and that as a narcissist he won’t listen to you.

Can you find any books or online articles that endorse your view to show him. Ie if the experts say it’s inappropriate- would he listen?

I endorse the idea of her not washing/showering/hair washing at his if it’s just one night.

Narcissists hate other people thinking less of them - can you ask your MIL/SIL to have words? Anyone whose opinion of them that they value?

A 10-year-old doesn't need supervising, let alone washing, by an adult in the bathroom. Even aside from the primary concern of sexual abuse, treating a 10-year-old like an incapable toddler is also really infantilising and creepy.

I was wearing my first bra at 10 and started my periods about a month after my 11th birthday. The thought of an adult washing me or even not allowing me privacy in the bathroom at that age is actually making me shudder.

It's doubly worrying that you had a conversation with him about this a year ago when your daughter's body started changing and he's continued to do it.

You have done the right thing by speaking to the NSPCC.

My son has very thick long hair. At that age I would every now and then stage an intervention on his hair. He would wear his bathers in the bath or shower, I would untangle and tray his hair, then I would leave the room, lock the door and get him to wash himself privately.

I think that you are right to be concerned.

I will even go as far to say in the cultures where children are washed much later in life it tends to be more like the mother doing the task. I am not directly calling your husband inappropriate but there isn’t much cultural context for a dad to be doing this.

She should have been washing herself for years by 10.It is very dodgy and unnecessary for anyone else even being in the bathroom.
You need to take advice on this from NSPCC or social services

This ^

This is seriously inappropriate.

Definitely needs reporting to one of the following: MASH team at local authority, NSPCC, GP, school designated safeguarding lead.

Don't talk to him again.

Write down what DD told you. Date it. Keep it safe. (What he does how she said she felt. )

Seriously consider whether she should go for contact at all.

The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable including your use of language. I know tou said you use proper terminology at home, I really hope you do. But it’s concerning that your daughter didn’t think this washing was unusual and talk to you.

You’re doing the right thing speaking to the NSPCC.