In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

YANBU for wanting to sit next to your DS. You are however being unreasonable to be so passive about this when it upsets you.

I can see that it can be awkward being a guest and that you might be worried about causing offence, and I take your point that the language barrier makes this harder. I can understand being blindsided and confused and not asserting yourself in the situation once or twice. But this situation seems to have happened a few times. You are married to DH. You are a mother. You are entitled to consideration and respect for your reasonable preferences. Please try to find your voice, because if you allow yourself to be (deliberately or not) sidelined like this at other times and this becomes your pattern, this will not be a good thing for you or your son.

I say this as someone who is pretty low in self-esteem and unassertive by nature; as someone who tends to assume I'm being the silly one or the ridiculous one in most situations. It is possible to become more assertive and to do it in a polite way.

And I'm sorry you didn't get to sit next to your son for his birthday!

It was her child's birthday celebration. She has more right to be sat near her child on his birthday than her in-laws do.

Are you sure they are not just being kind? My sil always sits away from her toddler to enjoy a meal in peace when she comes over for dinner !

Wow, this is quite a reach! MN is bonkers sometimes

I went to so many social occasions when I was just ignored, and left to deal with infant DS on my own while everyone else had a jolly time, I agree with PPs on this, it sounds bliss tbh.

Surely you could have moved, and gone to nearer him when they brought the cake out? Don't be so wet!

DH is French. No children though. I can see this being fairly normal though. Also great to immerse your son in the language and his French culture while he’s there.

Gosh I would have loved this - I mean I guess you’re with him, looking after him the rest of the time? What a lovely break.

I’m sure that’s why they’re doing it. To be kind. If you can’t bear to be apart from him for more than a few minutes then say something rather than be all teary and silent.

YANBU. Your in laws see him as their family but not you. Pretty mean of them to do this. My grandparents used to do this t omy mum, my mother started taking it out on me and as a result we don't have a great relationship. Not saying you would do the same.

Maybe it would be better that you don't take your child to in-laws on his next birthday.

@NicolaCasanova

"This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity"

Cos we are more human when we're not seated next to our children?

Assert yourself and move places - it’s not on and you can do something about it.

Both our families do this to give us a bit of a break. Personally I love it. They don’t see one set that often, so I love for them to be able to spend time with them whilst I catch up on adult conversation. At our child’s second birthday we had both sets of grandparents there and they all sat together leaving us free to speak to brothers and sisters and enjoy a few glasses of wine!

I would have been quite happy to sit away from mine at that age but being forced to is slightly different. If they are in France I am presuming the lunches are not regular, if it is occasional lunches and they don’t see him that often I would let it go. However, I would have wanted to be in the birthday Pic.

Great intel!

Exactly this! I’d be worshipping at their feet for giving me a night off😂

@charcharsydney

"It's not a "sit where ever you want"

ofc it is, shift yer bum 😎

But don’t move the napkin rings yourself!! Not your house. Just ask.

Omg what a blessing. Enjoy your meal in peace! I would.

I agree.

They of course want to sit near him and their own child and so I wouldn’t think anything malicious of it.

You see him every day and so I’m not sure why you’d be so upset over one meal.

I assume you think they don’t like you anyway which is why you’re taking this to heart but honestly I think you should let it go.
Yes he is your son but it’s ok to not be right next to him a few meal times and let them enjoy his company instead.

I don’t know them or how likely this is, but the thought process could be that they were trying to give you a break or some misguided attempt to ensure dad is doing his part?

“Dave/Daphne, I’d really like to sit next to Bobby at dinner this evening so I’ve swapped the name tags around. Assume that’s no problem - let me pour you a drink”

Baffles me why people can’t just have a simple conversation.

I’d have been really upset by this too OP. I’m British and my husband’s family is not; they did similar things with me when my DC was small and I found it very upsetting. Also I would be the one who had to deal with the fallout later of a hungry (for example) DC if they hadn’t eaten enough but noone near was paying attention. BUT in their culture sharing childcare together is a gift. I didn’t know this. I felt pushed out and I wasn’t established enough with the wider family to see it as a nice break. My ILs didn’t know my British family only helped in emergencies and saw childcare as a chore - I therefore didn’t understand my ILs approach. I also have a history of being ‘pushed out’ so I felt very sensitive to this.

My DH didn’t really understand why I was upset at first (nor did I, really) but once he got it, he helped facilitate me being included in the family, and not being separated from DC.

In time, I have come to adore my ILs, they taught my so much about family, sharing and generosity. I’ve worked to get to know the family better too, so now it’s not a problem and it is a break. they’re so helpful to me and I’m glad that a small misunderstanding was nipped in the bud.

YANBU. I wonder if your in-laws do it to ‘give you a break’?

But the birthday thing is weird and I can see why you were upset. I think you should sit next to your son when you want to.

Did you miss the part where it is 11 people and OP was all the way at the other end of the table? Where they celebrated the son's birthday with OP as far away as politeness would allow? Where OP wasn't even in the photos?

You would be okay with being treated like that?

Maybe it's more about giving the inlaws a rare chance to enjoy sitting next to DC - it's a treat, a real novelty - rather than about excluding you OP? They probably don't see them often? Just a thought. ( I had foreign nationality inlaws).

I am French. Annoying that your DH hasn’t bothered to explain this to you. This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity i.e. your right to eat and talk to people as you, not as Mum of x, and also recognises your son’s humanity as he is not tied by the apron strings and as part of his education in manners can practise how to behave at the table by himself. Traditionally a nurse would feed him but nowadays it’s just assumed that any compétent adult can look after a child in their family/close friend circle for the duration of a meal and it that this certainly wouldn’t fall to the child’s mother by default. It is really normal that you are not sat beside him in the seating plan. However if you want to, it’s also fine to ask your MIL to change the plan.