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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

318 replies

charcharsydney · 21/04/2025 17:55

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

OP posts:
Crazyworldmum · 21/04/2025 19:45

In the kindest way possible : Stop being a doormat and sit next to your child ! It’s YOUR child ! Learning to stand up for yourself and your children is a must OP . Change the name holder and demand it or grab your child and go away from the meal

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/04/2025 19:42

Talk to them.

Bumpin · 21/04/2025 19:40

This is interesting, I have the exact opposite problem! Every time we are at DHs family it’s a very similar situation with seating - table plans for every meal etc and my DH is placed at the opposite end of the table and I’m always with my two little ones, I barely get to eat as I’m helping cut food/wipe faces/mop up spills and there’s no chance of being part of the conversation. Even if he tries to swap it becomes an issue. I know it’s upsetting, but equally enjoy a hot meal!

Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 19:38

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:28

With eleven people round the table, OP was seated on the opposite side of the table from her child, at the far end of the table so she wasn't able to speak to him, hold his hand, kiss him or have a photo with him at his birthday celebration. She is his mum and she should have been sitting next to him or directly opposite.

Show quote history

But she could have moved - for the whole meal if she wanted or just for the cake she could have either brought the cake in or stood behind her DS's chair at cake time.

Kinneddar · 21/04/2025 19:38

RedHelenB · 21/04/2025 18:14

This. As long as he has one parent near him

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Why? His parents are at the same table. The other people at the table are family. If he's not bothered surely his parents can sit and enjoy their dinner

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:37

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:35

OP has said that there are language and cultural barriers.

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don't her in-laws speak English then? 😉😆

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:35

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:27

she's overwhelmed and intimidated that her in-laws seat her away from her child?

does she not speak french? musta missed that wee snippet

eta; and obvious to others, ooh la vache

Edited
Show quote history

OP has said that there are language and cultural barriers.

Hallebere · 21/04/2025 19:34

This sounds like an amazing arrangement tbh. The in-laws and hubby watching the 2 year old while I eat in peace. How often do you get to eat in peace at home?!

Montsti · 21/04/2025 19:33

I’d be thrilled 😳😅😬 and I agree that it sounds like they’re doing it to give you a break…but if you’re not happy then swap with your husband…

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:32

@ThisFluentBiscuit

"Are your ILs Catholic?"

OMG, did you actually just say this? 🙈🙈

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 19:30

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:01

I am French. Annoying that your DH hasn’t bothered to explain this to you. This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity i.e. your right to eat and talk to people as you, not as Mum of x, and also recognises your son’s humanity as he is not tied by the apron strings and as part of his education in manners can practise how to behave at the table by himself. Traditionally a nurse would feed him but nowadays it’s just assumed that any compétent adult can look after a child in their family/close friend circle for the duration of a meal and it that this certainly wouldn’t fall to the child’s mother by default. It is really normal that you are not sat beside him in the seating plan. However if you want to, it’s also fine to ask your MIL to change the plan.

Such a helpful post!!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 21/04/2025 19:30

If this happened almost every single time, permanently, I would be really annoyed, and I'd be steaming over the birthday. YANBU. But French society is very sexist and way behind the UK, thanks to it being a Catholic country, so it doesn't surprise me. Are your ILs Catholic? Women are third-class citizens as far as the Catholic church is concerned.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/04/2025 19:29

Ahh, OP.

My in laws are French too, and mealtimes are very like this. I get it.

But it is totally fine to use your words and say you want to sit next to your DS.

helpfulperson · 21/04/2025 19:29

Surely if you want to be next to your son for cake cutting you just get up and go and stand beside your husband for the short period. I do wonder if Dads are less involved sometimes because they are treated as less important and not capable of looking after their child.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:28

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 18:59

She's not at a distance! She's right there at the table.
The drama is ridiculous..... y'all are acting as if they put her in the garden and locked the door.

What rot.

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With eleven people round the table, OP was seated on the opposite side of the table from her child, at the far end of the table so she wasn't able to speak to him, hold his hand, kiss him or have a photo with him at his birthday celebration. She is his mum and she should have been sitting next to him or directly opposite.

PersonalBest · 21/04/2025 19:27

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 18:11

I don't get why you're crying at not being next to him...you're right there, at the same table. You can see him and hear him and talk to him.
Not getting it.

But if somehow it's important, just swap.qith your husband..why sit where you do t want to be and then cry about it?

Yes I don't get at all. You're at the table, can see him, it's only on holidays. Honestly, what's the issue? I can equally imagine someone complaining that the in laws always sit her next to her son and let the dh relax.

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:27

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:23

It's fairly obvious that OP finds her in-laws overwhelming and intimidating en masse, particularly with the language barrier and her DH is brushing off her concerns. He could have quietly asked his mum to seat OP near her child on his birthday but he didn't.

she's overwhelmed and intimidated that her in-laws seat her away from her child?

does she not speak french? musta missed that wee snippet

eta; and obvious to others, ooh la vache

Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 19:26

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2025 18:30

I think the point is that the OP won't be in them with her dc

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I do think she is being rather too passive. Every birthday for my DC I am in all the 'cake photos' as I was bringing the cake out. Did she not want to bring the cake out or didn't feel she could for some reason? Could she just not get up and stand behind DS's chair as everyone sung happy birthday?

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:25

EmmaOvary · 21/04/2025 19:23

Half French here, have spent many lunches and dinners with family in France, including at my grandfather’s house, where things were more ‘formal’, but I have never heard of place settings at a family meal! Have they been watching too much Downton Abbey?!

We always have place settings at meals, at home, at relatives’, at friends’, for every meal. And we’re not vieille France !

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:23

It's fairly obvious that OP finds her in-laws overwhelming and intimidating en masse, particularly with the language barrier and her DH is brushing off her concerns. He could have quietly asked his mum to seat OP near her child on his birthday but he didn't.

EmmaOvary · 21/04/2025 19:23

Half French here, have spent many lunches and dinners with family in France, including at my grandfather’s house, where things were more ‘formal’, but I have never heard of place settings at a family meal! Have they been watching too much Downton Abbey?!

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:22

2Magpies24 · 21/04/2025 19:21

Yeah good point, maybe they’re trying to give you a break and some breathing space to chat to others. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all for feeling this way but I’d also be very relieved!

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breathing space? from your own children? FGS

CurlewKate · 21/04/2025 19:21

Why are they doing this, do you know? Can’t you enjoy being able enjoy your meal unprodded? My MIL always used to whisk all the children away to a children’s table with her. It was bliss!

Trendyname · 21/04/2025 19:21

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:01

I am French. Annoying that your DH hasn’t bothered to explain this to you. This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity i.e. your right to eat and talk to people as you, not as Mum of x, and also recognises your son’s humanity as he is not tied by the apron strings and as part of his education in manners can practise how to behave at the table by himself. Traditionally a nurse would feed him but nowadays it’s just assumed that any compétent adult can look after a child in their family/close friend circle for the duration of a meal and it that this certainly wouldn’t fall to the child’s mother by default. It is really normal that you are not sat beside him in the seating plan. However if you want to, it’s also fine to ask your MIL to change the plan.

Apron strings? Op's child is only 2.
Why would french assume they know better about teaching manners to a 2 year old than his own mother?
Do French think they still colonise the world?

2Magpies24 · 21/04/2025 19:21

ragandbonewoman · 21/04/2025 18:03

Yanbu but bloody hell I’d have loved this. It was always me sat next to DS, cutting his food up, wiping his snotty nose, entertaining him
and getting up to get him another drink while DH got to eat his food while it was still hot and enjoyed the time socialising with the other adults. Be careful what you wish for!

Yeah good point, maybe they’re trying to give you a break and some breathing space to chat to others. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all for feeling this way but I’d also be very relieved!