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Original poster

Child maintenance

180 replies

Teantoast1 · 21/04/2025 07:50

Me and my ex have been broken up for 3 years now, he does pay a private agreed amount every month for child maintenance, however he is due to have another baby in 6 weeks and the closer the time is approaching I’m worried my child will be left out financially,would it be wise to involve csa?

OP posts:
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Suns1nE · 22/04/2025 11:50

User46576 · 22/04/2025 10:35

Agree. I’m a single mum of two who works full time and gets no benefits (and my ex only pays about the same as ops for two kids). Op can work more if she wants more money. If she doesn’t, fine but then she will need to budget accordingly

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Same here. When my kids were small I worked part time because being around for them was more important. It meant less treats and more free activities but it was a sacrifice I made. Now they are older and don’t need me as much I work full time and if I need more on top of that (because being a single income household is tough) I work overtime or pick up a second job. At all stages my lifestyle choices ( for me and the kids) have reflected my budget

HaddyAbrams · 22/04/2025 10:37

Dramatic · 22/04/2025 10:19

But why should you do something just because it's not impossible? When I was a single parent I worked part time because trying to sort childcare for 3 kids plus the logistics of getting them places and school holiday childcare was just too much for me. Yes I was topped up by benefits but surely single parents are the ones who need the most help from the system because they don't have another adult there to help.

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Of course she doesn't have to work full time. But then you have to adjust your living to fit that.

User46576 · 22/04/2025 10:35

Suns1nE · 22/04/2025 10:31

Of course the OP is entitled to not work more hours but then she needs to cut her cloth accordingly. If she wants more money she needs to earn it the same as everyone else. If she chooses to work part time then she makes the financial decisions to make that possible… that doesn’t include asking for more money off her ex (who already pays more than the minimum willingly)

Agree. I’m a single mum of two who works full time and gets no benefits (and my ex only pays about the same as ops for two kids). Op can work more if she wants more money. If she doesn’t, fine but then she will need to budget accordingly

Suns1nE · 22/04/2025 10:31

Of course the OP is entitled to not work more hours but then she needs to cut her cloth accordingly. If she wants more money she needs to earn it the same as everyone else. If she chooses to work part time then she makes the financial decisions to make that possible… that doesn’t include asking for more money off her ex (who already pays more than the minimum willingly)

Dramatic · 22/04/2025 10:19

HaddyAbrams · 21/04/2025 19:51

She will get less UC, but overall with her wages she'll be better off.

I agree that childcare as a single parent isn't easy. I did it for years, with 2 DC. But difficult doesn't mean impossible.

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But why should you do something just because it's not impossible? When I was a single parent I worked part time because trying to sort childcare for 3 kids plus the logistics of getting them places and school holiday childcare was just too much for me. Yes I was topped up by benefits but surely single parents are the ones who need the most help from the system because they don't have another adult there to help.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/04/2025 10:06

Teantoast1 · 21/04/2025 09:24

no he’s never missed a payment, and has him 3 nights every 2 weeks however when I’ve asked him recently to help towards petrol money to get him to and from clubs through the week I think the new gf is starting to get in his ear and has started gl become difficult to get these extra payments / help

That's what the child maintenance is for I'm not surprised the new gf is in his ear about this and I'm in your position

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/04/2025 10:05

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 09:14

So the only reason you are considering going to CMS is because he's having a baby?
No, you're wrong. This would damage any relationship. You've had 3 years of him being reliable, paying more than expected, and chipping in for uniform etc. CMS should only be used for unreliable parents who don't pay.
Also, he won't be expected to pay for uniform etc so it appears that you have a better deal now that you would through CMS.
Go on the CMS calculator and if you know what he earns you can see for yourself.

Exactly, I'm surprised why you don't trust him about finances when he's paid more than he has to, on time, regularly.

RedHelenB · 22/04/2025 04:44

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 21/04/2025 09:54

I found it easier to just go to CMS and then you get a set payment and you can sort your finances that way.

He's not going to have the same money when the baby arrives so you may be relying on him for an extra payment for uniform, and he could just refuse and there's nothing you can do about it.

I think paying for uniforms and dinners and clubs is fine, but it is a bit of a piss take to ask for petrol money imo.

This. Time to manage your own finances completely, and not be reliant on keeping him sweet for any other purpose than to get along amicably for the sake of your dc. You're separated now.

Hankunamatata · 21/04/2025 22:34

Teantoast1 · 21/04/2025 11:03

For example he couldn’t make it to his dads one night and asked for £10 for food as my son technically shouldn’t of been eating at mine that night the day after and that was also declined

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Dc dad isn't a bloody cash machine. Totally unreasonable asking for £10 - beyond petty

LePetitMaman · 21/04/2025 21:10

Mrsttcno1 · 21/04/2025 17:26

Literally. Wants the max from UC and more money from dad, doesn’t want to actually work to earn more money for herself & her child🫠

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Yep.

Any solution other than OP having to support herself. Speaks volumes.

littlemousebigcheese · 21/04/2025 20:51

Ignore the people saying you shouldn’t say anything, or shouldn’t worry. Some women on here seem to be grateful if their exes remember their kids names or contribute a kitkat, it’s depressing as hell and the child maintenance situation in this country is shambolic. I think terming it as extras is muddying the water slightly as it suggests you want more than you deserve or are entitled to - asking for petrol towards club taxiing around and money towards food isn’t an extra really, more a recognition that cost of living has increased. If you went through cms he would have to declare his income and chances are it has increased since you initially checked. Maybe check how much would be deducted based on him having a child and see what it says?

MellowPinkDeer · 21/04/2025 20:43

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 19:08

I don’t think this is fair - she probably has to do all the school pick up and drop offs as well as spend more time around the 13 weeks of holidays looking after DS. It’s blooming hard enough to do with 2 parents let alone being a single parent. If I was in a position where I would take home less money to work more and see my kids less then I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to work full time either. The problem is with the system that puts the maximum hours you can work at 16 hours or whatever it is.

OP looking at your updates I think you’ve made the right decision. Lots of good advice here and the truth is you could be worse of going to CMS than you are now. If at all possible maybe squirrel away a tenner regularly into a savings account incase the additionals do stop once the baby is here and think of back up - is there a grandparent you could ask for a small monthly amount to help towards half the clubs etc. As others have said there is no legal requirement for him to pay the additionals although morally I thinkhe should do if he can afford it.

I do agree with previous posters that it’s unlikely to be costing £40 a month to get to his club and back unless it’s really far away. Perhaps in future if ex can’t have DS on a certain time just make sure you rearrange for a weekend you were supposed to have him so you have a full weekend back, DS gets to spend time with his Dad and you can recoup the money that way unless you genuinely can’t afford to feed DS for the extra 2 days. I know it’s annoying because you are both responsible for him however you do need to play the long game a bit and if it seems like you’re “billing” him for every little thing then his patience may run out and it sounds like you’re are getting more now than you would be entitled to if you went through CMS.

It’s very interesting because there’s another thread on here where a SM mentioned her DH was paying £300/m towards her DSC. Loads of people on there saying £300 to raise one child and furious with that OP for suggesting that £300 was plenty. However no sympathy at all for how much it costs to raise a child and the implication (which I don’t agree with)that you’re a scrounger. I suspect that there’s always people wanting to bring women down on this website regardless of what they write

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Utter nonsense. I worked full time as a single parent of two. So many excuses. It’s doable. You just have to want to!

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2025 20:31

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 19:08

I don’t think this is fair - she probably has to do all the school pick up and drop offs as well as spend more time around the 13 weeks of holidays looking after DS. It’s blooming hard enough to do with 2 parents let alone being a single parent. If I was in a position where I would take home less money to work more and see my kids less then I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to work full time either. The problem is with the system that puts the maximum hours you can work at 16 hours or whatever it is.

OP looking at your updates I think you’ve made the right decision. Lots of good advice here and the truth is you could be worse of going to CMS than you are now. If at all possible maybe squirrel away a tenner regularly into a savings account incase the additionals do stop once the baby is here and think of back up - is there a grandparent you could ask for a small monthly amount to help towards half the clubs etc. As others have said there is no legal requirement for him to pay the additionals although morally I thinkhe should do if he can afford it.

I do agree with previous posters that it’s unlikely to be costing £40 a month to get to his club and back unless it’s really far away. Perhaps in future if ex can’t have DS on a certain time just make sure you rearrange for a weekend you were supposed to have him so you have a full weekend back, DS gets to spend time with his Dad and you can recoup the money that way unless you genuinely can’t afford to feed DS for the extra 2 days. I know it’s annoying because you are both responsible for him however you do need to play the long game a bit and if it seems like you’re “billing” him for every little thing then his patience may run out and it sounds like you’re are getting more now than you would be entitled to if you went through CMS.

It’s very interesting because there’s another thread on here where a SM mentioned her DH was paying £300/m towards her DSC. Loads of people on there saying £300 to raise one child and furious with that OP for suggesting that £300 was plenty. However no sympathy at all for how much it costs to raise a child and the implication (which I don’t agree with)that you’re a scrounger. I suspect that there’s always people wanting to bring women down on this website regardless of what they write

Show quote history

I have to work 30hrs a week and have a 8yr at school

def not 16 once they go to school

plus if on uc they will pay 85% of childcare fees if had a full time job

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2025 20:26

Teantoast1 · 21/04/2025 15:35

Please be mindful that I’m a single parent and my UC payments will then be reduced the more hours I work

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Oh you don’t want to work for the money

gotcha

Mrsttcno1 · 21/04/2025 20:14

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 19:08

I don’t think this is fair - she probably has to do all the school pick up and drop offs as well as spend more time around the 13 weeks of holidays looking after DS. It’s blooming hard enough to do with 2 parents let alone being a single parent. If I was in a position where I would take home less money to work more and see my kids less then I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to work full time either. The problem is with the system that puts the maximum hours you can work at 16 hours or whatever it is.

OP looking at your updates I think you’ve made the right decision. Lots of good advice here and the truth is you could be worse of going to CMS than you are now. If at all possible maybe squirrel away a tenner regularly into a savings account incase the additionals do stop once the baby is here and think of back up - is there a grandparent you could ask for a small monthly amount to help towards half the clubs etc. As others have said there is no legal requirement for him to pay the additionals although morally I thinkhe should do if he can afford it.

I do agree with previous posters that it’s unlikely to be costing £40 a month to get to his club and back unless it’s really far away. Perhaps in future if ex can’t have DS on a certain time just make sure you rearrange for a weekend you were supposed to have him so you have a full weekend back, DS gets to spend time with his Dad and you can recoup the money that way unless you genuinely can’t afford to feed DS for the extra 2 days. I know it’s annoying because you are both responsible for him however you do need to play the long game a bit and if it seems like you’re “billing” him for every little thing then his patience may run out and it sounds like you’re are getting more now than you would be entitled to if you went through CMS.

It’s very interesting because there’s another thread on here where a SM mentioned her DH was paying £300/m towards her DSC. Loads of people on there saying £300 to raise one child and furious with that OP for suggesting that £300 was plenty. However no sympathy at all for how much it costs to raise a child and the implication (which I don’t agree with)that you’re a scrounger. I suspect that there’s always people wanting to bring women down on this website regardless of what they write

Show quote history

It’s absolutely fair, you’ve created a narrative about school drop offs and holidays being the reason but OP already said in her own words that the reason she won’t work more hours is that her UC payments would then go down. You’re also incorrect in talking about 16 hours, there is no limit to how many hours you can work while claiming UC, it tapers so that it does pay to work, if your wage goes up then your universal credit decreases, but you’re not worse off for working.

OP wants dad & UC to fork out the max while carefully keeping herself doing the minimum.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2025 20:13

Wow. Rare I’m shocked on mn

you are so grabby

Wanting an extra £10 a week for petrol so £40 a month

and £10 to feed him for an extra meal - a bit of pasta - beans on toast - jacket isn’t going to cost much

HaddyAbrams · 21/04/2025 19:51

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 19:49

Happy to stand corrected if things have changed. OP stated her UC payments would be cut if she worked more hours which I assumed to mean she would take home less than if she worked full time - surely it’s individualised and based on what job you do but I appreciate you have direct experience which I don’t so again happy to stand corrected.

It may also be a logistical nightmare to try and sort childcare during school holidays if working full time and main parent if she hasn’t got any support. I obviously don’t know her exact situation either but just wanted to show another piece of the puzzle to posters stating she is the reason why UC is being cut etc. there’s loads of valid reasons why some people work part time and claim UC.

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She will get less UC, but overall with her wages she'll be better off.

I agree that childcare as a single parent isn't easy. I did it for years, with 2 DC. But difficult doesn't mean impossible.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 19:49

HaddyAbrams · 21/04/2025 19:20

If I was in a position where I would take home less money to work more and see my kids less then I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to work full time either. The problem is with the system that puts the maximum hours you can work at 16 hours or whatever it is.

This isn't the case anymore. You could maximise your benefits this way on tax credits, although I was still better off working full time.

Universal Credit doesn't work that way though.

Happy to stand corrected if things have changed. OP stated her UC payments would be cut if she worked more hours which I assumed to mean she would take home less than if she worked full time - surely it’s individualised and based on what job you do but I appreciate you have direct experience which I don’t so again happy to stand corrected.

It may also be a logistical nightmare to try and sort childcare during school holidays if working full time and main parent if she hasn’t got any support. I obviously don’t know her exact situation either but just wanted to show another piece of the puzzle to posters stating she is the reason why UC is being cut etc. there’s loads of valid reasons why some people work part time and claim UC.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/04/2025 19:28

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 19:08

I don’t think this is fair - she probably has to do all the school pick up and drop offs as well as spend more time around the 13 weeks of holidays looking after DS. It’s blooming hard enough to do with 2 parents let alone being a single parent. If I was in a position where I would take home less money to work more and see my kids less then I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to work full time either. The problem is with the system that puts the maximum hours you can work at 16 hours or whatever it is.

OP looking at your updates I think you’ve made the right decision. Lots of good advice here and the truth is you could be worse of going to CMS than you are now. If at all possible maybe squirrel away a tenner regularly into a savings account incase the additionals do stop once the baby is here and think of back up - is there a grandparent you could ask for a small monthly amount to help towards half the clubs etc. As others have said there is no legal requirement for him to pay the additionals although morally I thinkhe should do if he can afford it.

I do agree with previous posters that it’s unlikely to be costing £40 a month to get to his club and back unless it’s really far away. Perhaps in future if ex can’t have DS on a certain time just make sure you rearrange for a weekend you were supposed to have him so you have a full weekend back, DS gets to spend time with his Dad and you can recoup the money that way unless you genuinely can’t afford to feed DS for the extra 2 days. I know it’s annoying because you are both responsible for him however you do need to play the long game a bit and if it seems like you’re “billing” him for every little thing then his patience may run out and it sounds like you’re are getting more now than you would be entitled to if you went through CMS.

It’s very interesting because there’s another thread on here where a SM mentioned her DH was paying £300/m towards her DSC. Loads of people on there saying £300 to raise one child and furious with that OP for suggesting that £300 was plenty. However no sympathy at all for how much it costs to raise a child and the implication (which I don’t agree with)that you’re a scrounger. I suspect that there’s always people wanting to bring women down on this website regardless of what they write

Show quote history

Not sure what system you think that is, but that’s not how UC works. She will be better off financially if she works full time, that’s how UC works.

HaddyAbrams · 21/04/2025 19:20

If I was in a position where I would take home less money to work more and see my kids less then I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to work full time either. The problem is with the system that puts the maximum hours you can work at 16 hours or whatever it is.

This isn't the case anymore. You could maximise your benefits this way on tax credits, although I was still better off working full time.

Universal Credit doesn't work that way though.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 19:08

Mrsttcno1 · 21/04/2025 17:26

Literally. Wants the max from UC and more money from dad, doesn’t want to actually work to earn more money for herself & her child🫠

Show quote history

I don’t think this is fair - she probably has to do all the school pick up and drop offs as well as spend more time around the 13 weeks of holidays looking after DS. It’s blooming hard enough to do with 2 parents let alone being a single parent. If I was in a position where I would take home less money to work more and see my kids less then I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to work full time either. The problem is with the system that puts the maximum hours you can work at 16 hours or whatever it is.

OP looking at your updates I think you’ve made the right decision. Lots of good advice here and the truth is you could be worse of going to CMS than you are now. If at all possible maybe squirrel away a tenner regularly into a savings account incase the additionals do stop once the baby is here and think of back up - is there a grandparent you could ask for a small monthly amount to help towards half the clubs etc. As others have said there is no legal requirement for him to pay the additionals although morally I thinkhe should do if he can afford it.

I do agree with previous posters that it’s unlikely to be costing £40 a month to get to his club and back unless it’s really far away. Perhaps in future if ex can’t have DS on a certain time just make sure you rearrange for a weekend you were supposed to have him so you have a full weekend back, DS gets to spend time with his Dad and you can recoup the money that way unless you genuinely can’t afford to feed DS for the extra 2 days. I know it’s annoying because you are both responsible for him however you do need to play the long game a bit and if it seems like you’re “billing” him for every little thing then his patience may run out and it sounds like you’re are getting more now than you would be entitled to if you went through CMS.

It’s very interesting because there’s another thread on here where a SM mentioned her DH was paying £300/m towards her DSC. Loads of people on there saying £300 to raise one child and furious with that OP for suggesting that £300 was plenty. However no sympathy at all for how much it costs to raise a child and the implication (which I don’t agree with)that you’re a scrounger. I suspect that there’s always people wanting to bring women down on this website regardless of what they write

ConsuelaHammock · 21/04/2025 18:07

You should work more hours if you want more money. I hope your ex tells you to wise up and get a full time job! If I was his girlfriend there’s no way I’d let him contribute ‘extras’ to a women who can’t even be arsed to work fulltime to provide for her own child. You and people like you are why Uc is being cut. We are tired of going to work every day to fund you to stay at home. In 8 years you will be in financial trouble as all the free money will stop…..

ConsuelaHammock · 21/04/2025 17:56

Teantoast1 · 21/04/2025 10:29

50/50 isn’t an option as they both work full time and couldn’t get him to school / clubs

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So you work fulltime too?

Bigfatsunandclouds · 21/04/2025 17:39

Mrsttcno1 · 21/04/2025 15:29

You need to be working full time to fund your own life without asking your ex for money for whatever reason takes your fancy

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He didn't have his child over the scheduled 2 days and if the mum is struggling then I don't think it's unreasonable - she probably hadn't budgeted for those extra meals, especially as it's a weekend that's potentially 6 extra meals and snacks.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/04/2025 17:26

MellowPinkDeer · 21/04/2025 17:22

Firm agree. This is everything that is wrong with the system. I do not understand these people who would rather rely on benefits than be a success without handouts.

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Literally. Wants the max from UC and more money from dad, doesn’t want to actually work to earn more money for herself & her child🫠