Send your kids to play dates or relatives with their own snacks

That was quite rude of you to send such a message. If I got such a message I wouldn't be keen to continue contact with you. Can't see why you needed to phone. The child is 12 not 2.

I’d be very surprised if the relationship with your niece survives this kind of tension, which would be a huge shame for you both. You didnt mention why you contacted your brother, not the mother who had provided the snacks in the first instance and you didn’t explain why you immediately took that tone with the mother. Are you sure your niece wasn’t mistaken about her allergies?

Your text message was extremely rude. If you really felt the need to comment you could have simply said you weren't sure about the snacks and allergies so gave DN something else instead.

It all sounds quite bizarre.

One of my DC has allergies. When really young, I did either provide meals and snacks or suggest options to family who looked after them for the day (e.g. "beans on toast always goes down well" or "brand X is safe, can send some if you don't want to buy in specially").

Sometimes DCs' friends will turn up with treat snacks to share if they're over for the day or afternoon. So the concept of bringing snacks isn't odd in itself per se, but the situation in the OP sounds so very unlikely.

A 12 year old is more than capable of sorting out own food. My 5 year old GD with coeliac would make up a snack selection,
All seems a bit strange and your text message was very abrupt.

Not sure why anyone needs a snack at all. But that’s a whole other story… It sounds to me like the niece decided she didn’t want the snacks she was sent with and was after something else. I find it very hard to believe that any parent would pack a snack that their child was allergic to. So unless there’s a backstory about the mother I don’t believe the niece couldn’t eat the snacks.

in answer to your question. If a child comes to stay with me I don’t expect them to bring any food with them. If they do that’s fine but I’d feed the child throughout the day.

The text you sent to your SIL was rude. Why were you so abrupt? Is this the first time the food situation has happened? If you dislike having to look after and feed your niece just don’t have her to stay again.

Exactly, so that OP could create drama IRL and online, she must be bored.

You are minding DN for SIL. She provides snacks for a 12 year old girl. DN advises she can't eat them to you phone estranged brother?

Why not just feed DN and tell SIL later of the mix up?

It's strange SIL has done this but stranger the message you have sent.

One of my boys has very serious allergies, but at the end of the day mums are just humans and can make mistakes. I'll assume the 12 Yr old knew she couldn't have what was packed and that her mun was also the one to educate her 🙄

This makes no sense. The OP’s status as a parent or non-parent is irrelevant. It’s odd her SIL sent her child with snacks for a day out anyway, unless she has challenging allergies or a very restricted diet, and mystifying that she sent snacks the 12 year old ‘couldn’t eat’ , and why the 12 year old couldn’t pack her own allergy-appropriate snacks. And why the thrn OP phoned her brother, with whom she’s feuding, and what he had to do when he was ill? Why hadn’t he packed snacks? Why was no food available at the historic house and gardens? And why the OP subsequently sent a rather rude text to her SIL?

OP, are you on glue?

@Kattuccino thats the kind of scenario I thought of.

tbh @Uninformedcorn, I think you massively overstepped with your SIL and should probably apologise. Unless you’re about to furnish us with details that would massively change that.

DS2 is 12 and has food allergies. He's more than capable of knowing what he can and can't eat/look at food labels and make a decision etc.

However if I packed snacks for him you might question their suitability. He has a nut allergy but can eat certain products that say 'may contain nuts, not suitable for nut allergy sufferers'. We know which ones are OK for him to have and which are not. But it can be confusing for family members who dont understand why one 'may contain nuts' product is ok, but another 'may contain nuts' product is not.

I don’t believe for one minute that a child’s own mother would provide them with snacks they couldn’t eat; there is no way a parent (active/present) would not know what allergies that child had. The (fake) text was ridiculously rude

This is quite odd…
Parents of an allergic child sending them
with allergen snacks.
Why did you call your brother? Why not just buy suitable snacks / skip the snacks?
A 12yo would usually pack her own snacks.
If I have a guest I don’t expect them to bring their own snacks, why would you?
…

later on in the day I sent SIL a message saying “Just send your daughter to play dates or her relatives with food she can actually eat”

that was incredibly rude!! I find it odd she packed snacks she couldn’t have due to allergies. If I was looking after a child I’d just get in snacks myself I know they can have, I wouldn’t expect them to bring any. If I felt the need to highlight the fact unsuitable snacks were sent then I’d just say “is X all that DN can’t eat? I’ll grab some snacks for next time, the snacks you sent contained X and I didn’t want to risk her having them”. And even then I would only highlight the allergen for concern for DN incase the mum missed it (which is unusual for a parent with a child that has allergies). I don’t know why you called your brother? What was the purpose of that, to shame your SIL for getting something wrong?

Very odd - in most homes if one family member has an allergy (allergy, not intolerance) that foodstuff would not be in the house at all. I can’t fathom that SiL would have those items in the house, let alone accidentally put them in an unnecessary pre-packed lunch/snack box. Unless she deliberately wanted the child to get ill and have to come home, which is a different level of sick.

Seems incredibly odd. I have a 12 year old and he is more than capable of sorting his own snacks for a day out if needed. Even if he wasn't, a parent would know what their child was allergic to. This is almost unbelievable....

If I’m looking after a child, I assume I’m feeding them. I wouldn’t expect them to turn up with snacks unless particularly picky about what they eat, or with lots of hard to manage allergies.

But I also don’t understand how this happened with your SIL sending snacks she couldn’t eat. Or why you had to call your brother tbh.

How weird that you would phone your brother, and send your SIL a rude and aggressive text. It's such a non issue. If niece was hungry buy her a snack?

YABU

You know what your niece supposedly loves but not what she is allergic to?

You called her father yet had the SIL’s number to send her a rude text. You don’t get on with your brother but your first thought was to call him and not mum?

Most would think that it had been a mistake, not something done on purpose.

Why would your brother have to leave from where he was when you could have just bought something for her that she wasn’t allergic to especially since you were going to have dinner at your home anyway?

Unless your niece has some issues other than allergies, it makes little sense to have had her father leave and come get her and for you to send a rude text to her mum for what easily could have been a mistake.

You act as if you were watching a baby/toddler, not a pre-teen.

Sounds like you didn’t want to spend money on your niece.

Why would you report this back to your db rather than your sil? Especially as you no longer speak with him. I would have firstly gone back to sil and just queried whether your nieces dietary needs had changed.

Am I misunderstanding or did your brother have to pick up his daughter because the right snacks weren’t packed? Couldn’t you have just fed her yourself?

It’s the obsession with snacking that baffles me.

And yes, your text was really rude.

I would never expect any child I was looking after to bring their own snacks, and if I took them out I would buy something from the cafe

A lot about this is weird. I just can't imagine the parent of an allergy child providing snacks with the allergen. It's bizarre.

I never send my kids with snacks to friends or relatives, it's normal that these are supplied.

This doesn’t make sense.