To think you are NOT a good dad?

Weren't you worried that if you became ill your children wouldn't be cared for?

I think this is the key point. If she is asking her partner for help and he ignores her, then that is bad parenting and not a great relationship.
However I guess as you are talking about your friend, you don't really know how willing her partner was to have a baby, what she said she would do if she needed to convince him and whether she had an idealistic view of what having children would be like.

It was a bit pointless to wake DH up out of principle on the 9/10 times that baby just wanted a feed and DH lacked the required body parts. He did pitch in and do the nappy change parts when I was recovering from birth and when we had rough nights due to illness and baby wouldn't settle. We did try bottles/ formula when DS had a rough phase at 5m and that made it even worse by triggering head to toe eczema and DS was later diagnosed with CMPA. I had tried pumping, but that didn't work, and DS (later diagnosed with sensory processing issues) rejected bottles of umpteen types.
So I don't think performative waking of the father is an essential part of being a good dad.

DH has always worked longer hours out of the house than me so expecting him to regularly make meals was also unrealistic. The key thing is that he can. Ditto with the care type stuff.

I have always been able to go off and leave the DCs with him knowing that they'll be well looked after and happy. That's the important bit.

As older children/ teens they know when he's the better parent to approach with our different skill sets. We have a calm and happy relationship. We parent on the same page. If I was ever abruptly struck down by lightning or some other random catastrophe, he would be able to meet the range of the DCs needs.

He is a positive example of masculinity in their lives and is a meaningful parent, not a Disney Dad.

He helped in plenty of other ways.

No he wouldn't, I'd have to tell him what to do. I have no problem with that. I wouldn't know how to do his job without instructions would I?

@AliBaliBee1234 and @Bumpitybumper were both agreeing with you!

I’m not sure why if sleep is so widely accepted as needed in the way you describe (which I would agree with) you felt the need to explain it? No “regular rules of humans” are broken by a couple sharing jobs between them. How on earth can we know what this father contributes? Is it that you don’t understand the concept of both pitching in or that you are horrified at the thought of being able to split the work between you by type?

Doesn't sound like a great dad to me.

Set your expectations higher.

In fairness, why is mum allowing this? I never would have. And not just for myself. I wouldn't want DD to think it was all on her and if I had a son I'd want him to know that dad's should be as involved.

The mum needs to be telling the dad that he's not pulling his weight and to step up. DH knows I wouldn't have allowed this, even if that's who he was.

Yet the mother has to do it too?

@BobbyDazzler11 if there are no circumstances as to why either parent isn’t pulling their weight (as it isn’t always dads) then surely the question for the partner picking up all the slack is why stay with someone who is that lazy?

I completely agree with you OP. Even a Dad who's an air traffic controller could get up an hour early and thats a job at the extreme end of the scale. IRL I don't know one Dad of my generation who was still getting a full night's sleep with a newborn.

I get some people find it easier than others...if you can make a comment like 'nap when baby naps in the day' you likely had a pretty easy baby. I'll admit I'm biased as my baby was a rubbish sleeper and I didn't cope well. But if my DH hadn't stepped up and done his share I'd still resent him 10 years on. What sort of partner sees someone they love struggle and just ignores it.

At the time we were just getting through day to day, but now I also realise that this was also bonding time for DH. Even as a baby DS was equally happy with me or DH. I don't really recognise the primary care giver thing that comes up on here. Maybe that was a bit more standard in previous generations. I would be so disappointed if my son grew up to be a partner like this.

Totally agree - my dh helped out in the week too. He didn’t make a big drama out of needing to work as he understood mat leave wasn’t exactly a bed of roses (and naps!) for me either.

I agree with you and don't understand the argument that if you work full time you can opt out of being a parent. What happens when Mum goes to work, the child gets ignored at night, doesn't get fed, basic hygiene is ignored? Working in a standard full time job in this country as an employee leaves plenty of hours to parent your DC.

Circumstances.

DH doesn't do night wakes through the week even though we both work (me three days). I WFH two of my three days. He's on site all five working days, sometimes on a Saturday morning too. He works an hour's drive away.

I can't let him drive a 2 hour round trip having been up half the night. It's not safe and it's more important that he gets back to us safely than "pulls his weight" during the night.

He will do Friday/Saturday nights if needed and he's not on overtime. If we've had a ridiculous run of broken nights he will tell me to stay put occasionally and do the odd weekday. But in the grand scheme of our lives, that's my job for good reason.

He does the rest of your list, but for other people, circumstances may mean one of them doesn't, without it making them a bad parent.

Totally with you, @BobbyDazzler11. Having a job, or a penis, doesn't mean you get a pass on the sleep deprivation that comes from having a small child.

I'm a SAHM and my wife works, so I have always done night wakes during the week, but whenever our daughter woke for the day before 5am (as she often did pre-2), my wife would take her from 5am and let me sleep until she had to leave for work. And at weekends I would get epic lie-ins to make up for my sleep deprivation during the week.

My OH done at least 1 night waking while I was on mat leave, even tho he had work the next day. I kinda don’t buy into this whole thing of the parent who’s out at work gets to opt out of night wakings, unless your job is massively physical and needs concentration. You’re a team, especially in the early newborn days and you need to share the load.

06:30 is early to wake up if you've had to get up through the night and that's her whole point...

Does it make me a lazy mum because my husband actively did 80% of everything you’ve listed above? I worked full time in a corporate setting, husband self employed so it was easier for him to do the bulk during the week.

My DH never did any of what you've listed. Maybe the occasional morning on a weekend. He's a great dad.

I have always woken up at 6:30 or earlier for the whole of my adult life. This is a totally standard time to wake up.

Sleep is a basic human need. It is an extreme situation if you are chronically sleep deprived by a sleepless baby. Studies have shown that has a huge impact on people's physical and mental health. I think we all fundamentally understand this if we are talking about a noisy neighbour etc, yet once again all regular rules for humans are meant to go out of the window once a woman becomes a mother.

Also, what is the father's 'workload' when it comes to the family?

6:30 isn’t a particularly early start and mat leave is still work.