To be endlessly grieving

I lost my Dad 32 years ago he had a massive heart attack and my Mum 11 1/2 years ago and she had pancreatic cancer. When Dad died I walked around like zombie for about 6 months. It was so sudden. When Mum died I felt relieved she didn't have to suffer any more. I still think of them often and I do tend to get upset around Mother's day when I see all the cards in the shops and I no longer have a Mum to buy one for. Sometimes if I get a piece of really good news my first thought is I must tell Mum. Then I feel sad because I remember I can't. I don't really feel sad about Dad anymore, but I did for years, until I didn't anymore.

I get it OP. You’re not alone. It is not weird/odd, no matter what the first few insensitive comments have suggested. Everyone grieves differently and it’s not odd at all to feel like this, especially in the first few years. What a cruel thing to say! My mum died 18 months ago of a very aggressive cancer 5 months after diagnosis, it doesn’t make it better to think she’s not in pain anymore. What would be better is if she was still here and it had never happened at all. My grief cannot rationalise that. I allow myself to cry every Saturday when I have the house to myself. But grief can catch us out at unexpected times and especially around holidays, like Easter, when we may have done things as a family. I echo others with suggesting some grief councelling. I’m in touch with a charity called Cruse and get some support from the hospice my mum was in at the end. Is this something you could look into? https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Bless you, I knew you were one. 😘🥰

And all the hugs in the world won't make up for the loss of your parents, of course, but it's imperative to get some good support and as PPs suggested, maybe counselling. I'm terrified of losing my parents too, so it's something we all deal with and don't want to - you obviously loved your parents very much. ❤️ I hope you can find some peace. Another hug 🫂 🤗

I think the loss of your sibling may have complicated this process for you. If I lost my sibling on top of the loss of my parents I would be devastated. They are incredibly important to me as a link to my childhood.

Well that wasn't what I was replying to, but in any case it's not nearly that simple.

I am a similar age to you and lost both parents when I was 31 and 36. They were 57 and 65 so not long lives and not particularly great endings. It was bloody hard each time but I think what you are describing is not typical and I can't really relate.

I think about them daily and If I sit and dwell on their passing I feel very sad and a bit bitter and angry so I chose not to dwell on that aspect of their lives. As my friends' parents age I can also see that I have dodged a bullet in terms of having to care for aging parents too although that might sound very harsh. You have to look for positives in life and not concentrate on negatives.

I do think grief counseling would help you.

You've had such a tough time sweetheart. Please talk to your GP xx

Speak to your GP. I had counselling from Cruse after my mum died but I think I had it too soon? Your GP can refer you for free counselling or you can access it via an Employee Assistance Programme, if your employer offers that?

Just wanted to give you a huge hug, OP. Are you a Manics fan, by any chance? Yoir user name suggests it...(*misses the point of the thread...).

I think for me having children distracts or takes my mind of the grief more than anything as life for them goes on as normal pretty much so I've to go with that. Grief counselling is something you should look into.

It's clear that the OP was close to her parents, as I was with mine.

I would hate to think of my DC endlessly grieving me, I’m sure your parents wouldn’t have wanted this either. Please look into counselling.

I’m sorry to read you’re still struggling with grief. It’s hard, and everyone grieves differently.

Id say it sounds like complicated grief, or persistent complex bereavement disorder. What the best help or treatment is, I don’t know, but here’s a link that I found helpful

www.abct.org/fact-sheets/complicated-grief/

GP will recommend a talking therapy. Try existential.

OP I think you would benefit from therapy. There may be a connection between your being childless by choice and the loss of your parents, maybe it’s left you in a bit of a limbo where you’ve not been able to move on. Do you have siblings?

Also just to say your gp is also a good source of support and will be able to tell you what's available in your area. If you think it's veering towards ptsd then gp would be able to support with this as well.

I think op it's important to recognise that there is no 'correct' way to grieve or type of grieving. It's very different for everyone and it's something that for many people you gradually grow around your grief and its something that's always with you by becomes more bearable as time goes on. The timeline for that totally varies depending on the person and their circumstances. Noone here can tell you if this is right or wrong - it's your feelings and they are valid.

What I would say is that if it feels to you like you're feeling stuck or trapped in your grief and its feeling unnatural or like you need it to be different then you might benefit from some form of therapy to help unpack whatever is blocking you. I think it's also worth noting that death is a trauma and if you lost them both in close succession and particularly if in an especially fast or upsetting way this could trigger PTSD and it would be important to get support with that. It's normal and valid but it's not something you need to manage alone. You deserve support. There is private counselling- CRUISE does bereavement specific counselling- or support groups or death cafes which are a social forum where people can gather to try to take the fear and stigma away from death and grief.

What I would say is that my marriage broke down a while ago unexpectedly which devastated me and I can honestly say that if I hadn't had ds to focus on and get on with things for I think I'd have really struggled to get out of bed in the morning and it would have been much harder. Having a focus and a sense of purpose and connection is very important- it doesn't need to be a child, there are other avenues to finding those outlets. Many people get it through doing community work and volunteering.

I think you need grief therapy. 🩷 I wish you peace.