To be endlessly grieving

OP. This may sound odd but when my mother died I found consolation in poetry. In particular this one https://www.poetryinternational.com/en/poets-poems/poems/poem/103-13607_DEATH-IS-SMALLER-THAN-I-THOUGH

My Dad died just over 2 years ago OP and I'm still very much grieving his loss. He had a horrific battle with cancer and I still have bad dreams about it. I did however have very good bereavement counselling from the hospice he was cared for in, and that's given me some pretty good coping mechanisms.

You've lost both parents, and it's perfectly normal to feel that huge loss. You've lost your roots, your anchor and I'd go easy on yourself for it.

I think it’s really ignorant to say ‘this is not normal’ to someone who lost 3 significant close family members in a short space of time not that long ago. It may not be YOUR normal, but it is a completely reasonable grief response.

Loosing a sibling and your parents is a lot of loss.
Sounds like you are stuck in your grief.
Grief counselling could be helpful and an outlet for you.
I'm so sorry for all your losses.
Take care.

OP grief doesn't go away but it should lessen over time. I think if you are feeling sad daily or whenever you are alone you should seek counselling for your own benefit. I'm sorry 💐

I have to say that in my experience a year was nowhere near enough time to grieve. My father died 7.yrs ago and my most beloved aunt who was like a mother to me died a few months later. I am still sad and think of them every day .
I think I was numb for the first year or two to be honest. I have a normal functioning life but it is only recently that I feel like the blanket of sadness is lifting at last. For me the hardest bit is the realisation that your life as it was is gone forever. You will never have those birthday / Christmas / whatever events with your loved one again.
We are all different of course and deal with bereavement in different ways. It takes as long as it takes OP. And you h0ave had a lot to deal with . Sorry for your losses x

I lost my mum in Jan 2023 and there are days I still really miss her in quite an overwhelming way. I’ve been made to feel that I’m too slow in getting over it by a colleague who lost her second parent around the same time I lost mum. We all grieve differently and had different relationships with our parents that you can’t judge what is right or wrong.

For you, having so many losses in a short space of time probably means it’s hard to unpick the grief for each person from the others. Be kind to yourself and take each step slowly.

I think talking to a professional counsellor or your gp would be helpful, this isn’t normal.

it’s perfectly normal to grieve older parents immediately following their death and for the first year being pretty sad at their absence especially on key dates like Mothering Sunday, Christmas etc. but ongoing it changes from complete rawness to happy memories with just occasional points where their absence is more dramatically felt eg my mum felt the loss of her mum particularly on the day my dd was born as we couldn’t share the news (it was 18 months after she died) whereas welling up isn’t good as you realise. Perhaps a support group?

my dh did find the first Christmas hard but got through wedding speeches ok, raising a toast to his recently deceased mum and others who have passed (including pets)

You hae that level of self-knowledge. Now think about what else is going on that grieving for your parents stands in for.

How intense is the grieving? Does it stop you from doing things you want to do, or living the way you want to live, or achieving, changing etc etc?

It could be a very good 'excuse' for something else.

I think you need bereavement counselling. Cruse is one organisation that provides that. Google might provide more.

I’m sorry you are stuck in the early stage of grieving and I hope you find help to move forward.

Could I recommend a podcast? Griefcast is cariad Lloyd talking to mostly comedians about grief and remembering someone. It never fails to make me feel better.

The child free people I know have definitely struggled more with losing their parents.
This is only my theory but if you have no children of your own you are constantly 'looking up a generation' which will naturally come to an end.
People with their own children have switched their focus down to the next generation which assuming all goes well will be their primary focus for the remainder of their days.
I think people without children of their own have never switched from their parents being their primary family relationship so naturally their loss hits them harder.
Edited for grammar!

That's a lot of loss in a short time, and losing a sibling at a fairly young age is difficult too.

I agree with others that bereavement therapy might help. CRUSE (bereavement charity) have lots of useful info, a helpline and they can help some people with therapy.

Everyone grieves differently, go easy on yourself

I also agree this thread has had some extremely insensitive posts.

This! There’s no right way to grieve op. Maybe some bereavement counselling might help. Hugs to you x x

I’m childless not by choice, my mother died 8 years ago aged 94 and had dementia, my dad died unexpectedly aged 67 47 years ago but I don’t cry when I think about them. I think about the good memories. I don’t think not having kids made the grief any better or worse.

My God. Do some posters not think hmmm maybe this isn’t the thread for me, there are some insensitive, quite frankly bizarre posts.

My father passed almost twenty years ago, I still have a little cry now and then. DM’s mother passed fifty years ago and she still gets upset and misses her very much. We weren’t a big family and we’ve lost pretty much everyone. People seem in a rush to get over things, God forbid you feel pain, anxiety, depression - it’s normal to certain degrees. You grieve a loss, it never goes you just learn to live with it. Sorry for your loss OP, I hope things get easier as time passes, I hope you can look back on fond memories.

You can't help how you feel. I'm sorry for your loss.

YANBU OP and for this reason I wouldn’t try and stop it. Cry if you need to.

Ive list both parents and although I don’t cry every time I’m alone I cry quite a lot of the time. However, although I cry - I also try and think of the best way to have a fulfilling future and create goals in the present

This is very true. My step father's father died last year. They had an extremely fractured relationship with virtually no contact.

He was still upset and troubled when he passed.

@LaTristezaDurera I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your loss and to talk on here anytime you need to. There's always someone to listen.
The bond you had will always be there and the love you shared.
Take care

I don't see what you mean. You have two parents and three grandparents, you can't begin to comprehend.
I had no grandparents by the time I was 5 and no parents by 22. It's not something you can anticipate ahead of time.

What a tough time you’ve had 💐

When I lost a much adored sibling, a friend said that it’s not about learning to live without them. It’s about learning how to live with the love that they left behind. For me this really resonated and bereavement counselling helped me figure out how to move forward. So it is possible.

I found a reputable private counsellor here: https://www.bacp.co.uk And if you think you might be depressed, please see your GP.

You have got this 😘

I don't know what you mean. I really ever only knew one grandparent. My children had lost my parents when my eldest was only 9. My last remaining IL died when my eldest was 15.

Yes I see that and I know that we have been 'fortunate' in not having to deal with the issues that come from elderly parents, but fuck me, I am 62 with three children in their early to mid 20s, I am not ready to leave them!!

I haven’t lost any parents yet (and indeed still have three grandparents alive - one was lost in the 1990s when I was a teenager) but having a child has definitely made the “idea” of losing my mum easier to comprehend, if you see what I mean.