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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to make complaint to police?

134 replies

Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 00:28

I really feel the police acted inappropriately and am thinking of making a complaint.

A friend of my DD's (they are both 16 and both autistic) has been going through a difficult time with his mental health. Both families are close and he is always welcome at ours. However, myself and his mum are mindfull of my daughter feeling 'responsible' for him or having too much put on her so I've been making sure to check in with her and be available myself if he is struggling.

Recently he sadly took an overdose but when his mum phoned an ambulance he left the house so she had to call the police to keep him safe until an ambulance could come. The poor lad was highly distressed and told the police he wanted to go to his best friend's (my dd). The police phoned my DD and told her they were bringing her friend over to her. I was out and came home to her in a huge panic! The police were aware the boy had taken an overdose and that my DD was only 16 and autistic. How can they think it is appropriate to put the responsibility of this on to my daughter?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 13:33

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 21/04/2025 09:12

Hi @Sunshineandpool
I am a police officer and if I were you I would write to complain, not to get anyone in trouble as I'm sure they genuinely thought they were doing the right thing, but for training so no other juvenile with vulnerabilities feels put upon by adults who have responsibilities for this boy...!

It's insane that they ever thought it would be appropriate to leave a suicidal 16 yo boy with a lone 16yo girl with autism, this is so deeply wrong.

The other preferred outcome would have been that when the officers found the boy they rang your DD again to confirm that he wasn't coming, so she wasn't left worrying about it.

I don't think they appreciated what effect the phone call would have had on your DD, but it's just a wildly inappropriate suggestion and I don't blame you for being upset.

Thank you, that is exactly why I want to complain so they know how to deal with it better next time.

I don't understand why they didn't either ring his mum first or asked DD if they could speak to an adult.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 13:29

minisoksmakehardwork · 21/04/2025 09:11

It sounds like a lot needs clarifying.

From my, non autistic view, it sounds like the mum rang an ambulance/ police for the overdose. The lad left as he refused to go and mum knew he was likely to go to your dd. Police would have rung her to let her know her friend was likely on his way to her and to keep him there while they made their way to her.

Your autistic daughter, on hearing police and that her friend has overdosed has panicked and had a meltdown. She's understandably not been able to think rationally that the police/ambulance will be coming once friend has got to her.

So, I would raise the handling of this as a concern with police. But also, friend's mum. Who would have known dd is autistic and could maybe have helped communicate what had happened and what they expectations of her were more successfully.

It also might help your daughter if you see if your police force issues the 'I'm autistic' cards as well as setting a plan with dd to manage emergency situations, but also make a plan with the other mum for if this happens again. It sometimes the illusion of control can help.

Sorry for not being clear. I'll try again.

Mum rang the ambulance as her DS had taken an overdose. However, DS on hearing this left the house as did not want to go to hospital.

Mum then rang the police as she was afraid for her DS's safety considering he was sedated/possibly going to become more sedated. Police said they would find him then could get the ambulance to where he was.

Mum got someone to look after younger child then set out to find her DS.

Police found the boy and called an ambulance. However the boy did not want to go in the ambulance. He told Police he wanted to go to his best friend's. Police phoned DD and said they were bringing him to her.

Mum turned up and got her DS into the ambulance and to hospital. I got home to find DD in a terrible state waiting for the boy to arrive.

But yes, thank you for your advice. We will definitely talk with the teens about dealing with these situations in future.

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Raptorteacher · 21/04/2025 13:27

The relationship between the two of them doesn’t sound healthy and Id be putting distance between them wherever I could. Taking a bunch of pills and saying he can only go to her house to the police and ambulance service, would be setting off way way more alarm bells than anything else. Do we know why he took the OD yet?

At best he is too much for her, she isn’t helping him, the friendship isn’t helping him, so off he goes to get some other friends and appropriate support. Otherwise it’s just going to get worse. Thank god his mother put a stop to it this time. But you need to sort out what’s going on in your home. It’s like you aren’t seeing or don’t want to deal with the real issue right in front of you, so making a complaint to police makes you feel better. But what will actually change other than causing more drama and avoiding the real problem.

Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 13:18

CaptainFuture · 21/04/2025 09:03

So you seem to have knowledge of this type of thing.
Do you absolutely, totally believe that the police,rather than follow procedures called up the boys mate and said 'here you go! On you!' While his mother, police and an ambulance crew were there, and they all went... 'yay! Stellar plan!!' Or as pp has suggested, they've called her in case he turns up there?

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His mother was not there when they phoned DD. And no, they phoned her to say they were bringing him to her. Not that he might turn up.

I'm glad you seem to find it funny, though 🤨

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 13:14

TaggieO · 21/04/2025 08:42

this is absolutely awful, and you must complain! Surely the ambulance crew weren’t on board with this? It’s a safeguarding violation on so many levels - he is a vulnerable young person and so is she. It’s not remotely appropriate to make her responsible with him whilst he is in crisis and requires medical attention.

It’s also a violation of police policy. They should have been following section 136 of the mental health act in this scenario, which means the police have to take the young person to a DESIGNATED place of safety in an emergency mental health situation. This can’t be a place designated by the young person eg “take me to my best friend’s house”, it is a legally defined place with safeguarding structures in place, such as A&E or a police station.

I don't know what the ambulance crew thought, to be honest. But yes, they could have taken him to the 136 suite at the psychiatric hospital.

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ScaryM0nster · 21/04/2025 13:12

It sounds like you might have grounds for providing feedback that it would have been beneficial for them to follow up and say they weren’t coming, after they’d phoned to say they were.

The rest, is a difficult set of circumstances with no ideal solution, and no psychic powers on the part of the police. 16-18 is the weird middle ground. You can live alone, consent for some things and not others.

While your ideal is that they took him back to his mums, from their perspective that’s where he had run from. And your daughter didn’t say no.

The best use of time is probably a cold light of day conversation with your daughter about appropriate responses and boundaries. And a plan for any repeats. Even with a complaint being made, it doesn’t prevent the potential for a repeat.

Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 13:11

Kitkatcatflap · 21/04/2025 08:40

I am still confused and I have read the full thread.

But could the Police have planned to take the boy to your DD in order to for her to convince the boy to go with the ambulance.

Maybe? But that's really unfair on my DD. Imagine if he'd died and she felt it was on her not being able to convince him to go to hospital!

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 13:08

Fluffyholeysocks · 21/04/2025 08:31

It all sounds very confusing tbh. An ambulance came, he didn't want to get in but wanted to go to your DD. Maybe the people attending made a decision to get him seen by professionals as soon as possible. Maybe he was scared and wanted DD around. As long as he was safe and treated, I think I would drop it. Hopefully he's recovered? Must have been very distressing for him , was there a reason he didn't want his Mum?

Edited

He wouldn't have been seen by professionals if brought to my DD. Well not until I got home, I suppose. I have told DD if anything like this happens in future to phone me immediately.

He has recovered, thank you. Yes, it was awful for him. I think in his confusion he didn't ask them to phone his mum as she would make him go in the ambulance which he didn't want.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 13:03

The police called her. They said they were going to bring him to her. They called her as her friend did not want to go in the ambulance but wanted to go to her. I don't know if they asked her age or if she was autistic. But as the boy was 16 and autistic it would have been a sensible thing to be thinking about.

They shouldn't have arrested him, no. But they could perhaps have taken him to the 136 suite at the psychiatric hospital.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:58

TheFoz · 21/04/2025 08:13

It seems the OP is altering the narrative based on the responses she’s getting.

I've altered nothing. I'm autistic and the way I see it if it wasn't true I wouldn't say it. I'm not going to get the answer to my question if I lie. I don't always know in advance all the information people like to know.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:55

TheFoz · 21/04/2025 08:13

Do you think the police have a list of every person who is under 18 and autistic?

he was refusing to go to hospital, apparently, he asked to go to his friend. I see nothing wrong with that.

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Do you think the police could not have asked her age? Asked to speak to her mum? Spoken to the boy's mum?

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:54

Marchitectmummy · 21/04/2025 08:08

If this is in the UK, 16 year olds can legally take responsibility for medical care, can live on their own, lots of things.

Parents cannot override their consent for medical treatment unless the 16 year old is unable to or lacks the capacity to make the decision.

So not sure you have a case against the Police in this instance. A boy over 16 requiring medical care refused and requested to be taken to another 16 year old.

To be honest I don't think someone seriously sedated has the capacity to make that decision. But aside from that it isn't right to put the responsibility onto my DD. It could have been very dangerous.

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CaptainFuture · 21/04/2025 12:52

I don't think the sedatives are important to this thread.

I'd think they were highly important and a factor as to how urgently he needed medical attention like having his stomach pumped? So also something as to why it's apparently been mum and ambulance and police saying 'yeah a 16 yo can manage this medical emergency' or he's not actually taken anything that horrendously dangerous?

Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:46

Workhardcryharder · 21/04/2025 07:53

Or she totally misunderstood and the police/friends mum thought that’s where friend would turn up!

So no, not “obviously”

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No, as I said the police were going to bring him there. It's not a misunderstanding.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:45

Richiewoo · 21/04/2025 07:12

Are you for real. It's a safeguarding issue for her daughter. She's under 18 and vulnerable.

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I am surprised that some people think it is ok.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:43

CatRescueNeeded · 21/04/2025 07:11

I don’t understand why everyone is pilling on the OP. The police were obviously planning on bringing him there, otherwise they wouldn’t have rung her. They only didn’t do it as the mum turned up. That was a totally inappropriate plan of the police, so they need training on how to deal with these situations if a similar one were to arise again

OP - just make sure you are very clear in your complaint about what happened and what your concern was.

I don't understand either!

Thank you, it has actually helped writing it here to know exactly what I need to say.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:41

Passmetheaero · 21/04/2025 07:01

What a ridiculous post, totally unclear.

Turns out the police did NOT bring the boy to DD’s house at any point. DD THOUGHT they might, so had a meltdown.

Dd didn't just think they might. She was told they were bringing him to her and not updated when that changed.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:40

Oneearringlost · 21/04/2025 06:53

So the police DIDN'T bring the boy to your house?

They didn't because luckily the mum turned up. However, they were planning to and therefore may do the same in another situation. The point is the police clearly thought it was appropriate to bring a suicidal autistic teen to be looked after by another autistic teen. It is not.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:37

CaptainFuture · 21/04/2025 06:37

So the boy was with his mum and the police waiting on an ambulance, they never took him to your daughter.
Where were you when all this was going on?
Why didn't she just pass the police call to you?
Did she/you tell the police she has an autism diagnosis?
Sounds like making a drama out of a crisis.
And most importantly... what were the 'sedatives' he took and how did he manage to get hold of them? Someone else's prescription or other stuff?

At the time of the police calling my DD her friend was with only the police and ambulance crew. Subsequently, his mum arrived and got him in the ambulance.

I was out when this happened so hence DD not being able to hand the call to me. This is my concern. If I was there it would have been fine to bring him to us.

I've not spoken to the police. But this is why I was wanting to make a complaint so I could tell them. In my experience, autistic kids tend to often have autistic friends so it's something else for them to consider. If we are thinking about dropping an autistic kid at their friend's there is a good chance they are autistic too.

I don't think the sedatives are important to this thread.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:27

Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:27

Thank you, that is a good idea.

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And yes, they are both doing well now.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:27

sunights · 21/04/2025 06:22

I think it would be more useful for you and DD to work on strategies for future crises than to put a complaint in about something that didn't actually come to pass.
I say this as someone who has experienced similar, as based on how you've described the situation and relationships it is more than likely future crises will happen - maybe much harder ones.
I hope your friends son and your DD are both doing okay.

Thank you, that is a good idea.

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:26

slashlover · 21/04/2025 06:16

Were the police aware of your daughter's age?

I didn't explain this very well but the ambulance were there but he didn't want to go with them and wanted to go to my DD instead.

But even if they stayed until an ambulance arrived it would have been a highly distressful situation for my DD and she would have felt responsible.

So was the ambulance there or not? You seem to be saying they were dropping him off to wait for the ambulance but also that the ambulance was there?

I don't know if they asked her age to be honest.

They were not dropping him off to wait for an ambulance. They were dropping him off as he wanted to go there instead of going in the ambulance. He was in a park and the ambulance had arrived.

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Miyagi99 · 21/04/2025 12:22

Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:14

Sorry, trying to be clear. His mum spoke to the police later as her son lost his earphones prior to getting in the ambulance. She queried if they had been intending to leave her DS with my DD and they confirmed it.

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Why didn’t his Mum explain to the police that this wasn’t appropriate?

Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:22

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 21/04/2025 06:03

Honestly it’s like pulling teeth on here sometimes . So after all that going round the houses for a straight answer, you want to make a complaint about the police bringing him to your daughter when the police didn’t actually bring him to your daughter? I’m sure they’ve got plenty of time for such urgent matters.

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I apologise, I'm autistic and not all the best at writing these things.

No, I don't want to complain about them bringing him to my daughter when they didn't. It is the fact that they were going to bring him to her and phoned her and told her this, leaving her in a very distressed state. Of course if his mum had not turned up they would have brought him.over. And the police hadn't told my daughter they weren't bringing him over so she still thought he was coming. It could have been a really dangerous situation if they bought him over. What if his health had declined and my daughter couldn't deal with it as she was in meltdown? Surely if we don't raise these things it could happen again? What is wrong with the police learning from a mistake?

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Original poster
Sunshineandpool · 21/04/2025 12:15

Glitchymn1 · 21/04/2025 05:52

This. Even with the update, it’s still unclear.
So his mum got him in the ambulance.
He was never dropped to your DD.

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Yes, his mum got him in the ambulance so the police did not drop him at mine.

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