Daughters friend physically aggressive - no more play dates?

You don’t need to send any proactive explanation. Just don’t invite the boy. If she suggests a playdate then you can say sorry, but DD isn’t keen to see X. She will know why.

Please don’t send any of the suggestions above saying things like “due to your child’s violence”. Unnecessarily hurtful. If you say no to playdates and stop initiating/inviting she will know very well that her child’s behaviour is the problem.

I have a child who used to lose her rag at this age including some hitting. (There was a SN reason it turns out but that doesn’t mean I expect other kids or parents to be ok with it). Believe me, parents know when their child is “that kid”.

The best thing she can do tbh is keep him out of unsupervised playdates especially group scenarios, otherwise he will burn all his bridges. He needs supervised social practice with immediate intervention and if you’re not up for heavily supervised playdates (or if mum doesn’t supervise properly anyway) then he’ll need to get that elsewhere, probably nursery and no playdates.

I'm so sorry to have to say this at this tricky time for you but we need to take a break from play dates. The safety of all the children is the priority, including that of your DS.

Make it quite clear your meaning, it's hard on her but other people cannot do her parenting for her.

This where chatGPT is your friend!

I don’t see why you need to put the blame on dd in the explanation. I think that just makes everything worse for your friend and distracts from her son’s behavior.

Just say “Sally it looks like little nevill is struggling a lot to manage his big emotions. I think we will not be available for playdates for a while. I would love to catch up with you whenever we can arrange child free time, though. Just let me know what works.”

I'd go with the kind but direct explanation too.

I had similar happen many years ago. At first I put up with it, until it escalated. I felt horrible as I'd put my friendship before my daughters safety. I realised I had to speak up so I messaged her, "I've asked x (daughter) and she doesn't want to meet up anymore." She understood and stopped asking. We were cordial whenever we saw each other, but we were no longer friends. Your daughter needs to know that in your eyes, her safety comes first. You'll make other friends.

My DS was still quite aggressive at 4, he would hurt other children if he got overwhelmed or frustrated. He wasn’t a bad child, just a 4 year old struggling to regulate emotions and he needed a lot more support with that that either of my DDs ever did. He improved loads once he was in reception and doesn’t do this at all now at 6, but it took a lot of us supporting him and helping him with strategies to deal with his frustration to get to this point (as well as him just getting more mature).

I always completely understood when friends of children he hurt (and no matter how much I tried to monitor situations, not leave him alone with other kids etc etc, it still happened on occasion) didn’t want their kids to play with him. This was my problem to deal with, not theirs. I completely stopped meeting friends at soft play, because it was so hard to keep a close enough eye on him, and he’d end up hurting someone.

You can have understanding and empathy towards your friend and her child, but ultimately your primary duty is to your DD, so avoiding play dates for now (especially large ones where groups of kids are unsupervised- no judgement, just not the place for a child having difficulties), sounds sensible.

If she’s a really good friend and you want to be supportive, could you maybe suggest a trip to the playground with just the two of you and the kids? But only if your DD is happy to.

Sorry pressed the wrong button YANBU.Do not let this child near your DD.
I wouldn't care if his mum is a 'sensitive person' your child needs you to
keep her safe.

I’d just avoid having play dates with them from now on. There were lots of kids over the years that came to our house once and never again.

If another child is a nightmare, never inflict that on your dd. Role model to her from an early age that she should not have to put up with other people’s shit and particularly aggressive male behaviour. The ‘gentle’ indulgent approach from the useless mother is doing him no favours and he’s only going to get worse so nip it in the bud now.

Don't invite them over. Your daughter shouldn't be forced to play with someone if she doesn't want to anyway. If you like the mum, invite her over on her own for coffee etc. or go to a cafe. If she brings it up, just tell her the truth - your daughter doesn't want to play with her son at the moment because he hurts her.

I would go with one of the previous suggestions, there are a few good ones. I actually think it’s quite kind to the mum to point out his behaviour is unacceptable and will stop him from being invited to things. It might make her realise it’s loosing him friends and she needs to nip that behaviour in the bud.

I’d prefer being told that my daughter was being unreasonable and look at my parenting/her behaviour than my child start school and not have any friends because they are a bit of a twit.

If everyone stays calm and firm it doesn’t need to leave to a falling out. Had lovely evening out on Fri in big group our kids all on gap years / university now but have over the years bashed / bitten / /hit/ been friends / been teenage mean girls to each other but we are all still friends!

No need to make a big deal out of it and you don’t need to raise it with her. I wouldn’t be inviting him over or spending time together with the kids. If she questions it you can be honest about the reason .

Sounds like it’s someone else’s turn to host you anyway if you have hosted the whole group.

The mum might be lovely and having a hard time but she's not parenting in a way that does her DS any favours. And I say this as someone who has an ND child who can get physical and very upset, so I know how tough it is to be the person with the challenging child.

After the first incident, she should have been at his shoulder, and after the second one, it should have been home time.

I would stick to meet ups in the park, in much smaller groups, and see how things progress. It might have been that the other kids, and exciting new toys, meant everything was too much. Or maybe the kids won't get along, which is also fine. I don't think you need to preempt the next invite - just respond, "I think the playdate was a bit stressful last time; let's do the park as things are often calmer outside."

I agree, I wouldn’t have any more play dates. If you want to word it in wanky gentle parent speaks say something like “It’s obvious that [her DC] has some big emotions to deal with at the moment but your daughter is upset with having her boundaries crossed so they both need a bit of time to themselves for a while.” You could say that you’re keen to meet up in the future when things settle down if you actually are!

But beware, kids going through upheaval with gentle parenting being inflicted on them are very unlikely to get much better in my experience.

Agree wholeheartedly with this.
The mum, by excusing her son's behaviour and wishy washy in dealing is not being kind as he will lose friends.
If you are clear with her and say why you don't want anymore playdates you are potentially helping her realise she needs to help her son because you are showing her what the consequences are.
If one of my friends children punched mine in the face and the mum didn't swiftly deal with it wholeheartedly and the child apologise I would be putting a stop to playdates for a while too. A punch in the face is quite a lot!

I'd be gently honest.
Tell her that DD was upset and scared yesterday and would rather not have any more play dates at the moment.
You can always arrange an adults only coffee.
My friend had this years ago with her friend and their sons. They just didn't gel. Play dates were always fraught and tense as the boys would frequently fight and argue. One boy would bite. In the end, they had a chat and called time on the kids meeting up and just stuck with adults. They gave it a few years and tried again and the boys (then at primary school) were absolutely fine and got on brilliantly.

I had a similar situation with a new friend who I had met at baby group. Spent a lot of time together with the DC but as soon as hers turned 2 his behaviour became off the scale - think constant biting, hitting, spitting, pushing, snatching toys, hair pulling, scratching - you name it, he did it. Friend did nothing but smile at him. I stopped play dates and distanced ourselves and she was utterly oblivious as to why. So many other mums saw her DC’s behaviour and distanced themselves too.

I should have tried to tactfully tell her why, but she was the type that would take offence, so I came up with some other excuse. They moved away and the friendship never recovered. I did hear on the grapevine a couple of years ago that his behaviour is still challenging so I wonder if it was because he was never given boundaries or consequences, or there was then-undiagnosed SEN. Put your child first - friends can come and go, but your child needs you to have her back.

Agreed!!! ⬆️

This! ⬆️ Keep it simple, to the point & honest. It is what it is. You're protecting your child & are not responsible for whatever is going on with this other family.

I would have no problem telling the friend that there won’t be anymore play dates until her son can learn to play nicely and without physical violence.

sounds like she’s one of these gentle (ie no discipline) parents. I couldn’t be doing with that.

Criticising someone else's child rarely goes down well

I suggest better to keep it neutral "I think best not to meet up just now. It didn't go well yesterday"

And if you want, you could add "Perhaps we could take them to the park when weather improves"

Just see eachother without the kids around! I'm not sure there's a need for a message, just don't plan anything else with kids and if she suggests it, just say you want to catch up with her and cba to police the kids fighting.

I voted YANBU.

However it doesn’t need to end your friendship.

meet without kids and/or arrange meet ups somewhere public and a large space (eg local woods) whereby its giving him the chance to walk away and run off some energy.

make it very clear anymore violence towards DD or you and you won’t be meeting up with the kids again.

As sad as it may be for the boy, your daughter is not his emotional support human and punchbag. She needs to be shown that she doesn't have to put up with violence and abuse because it will make the boy feel sad if he doesn't get to play with her.