To ask how you deal with your partner’s crushes?

Or is simply commenting - as many do - without knowing how it's affecting the OP.

I'm not sure it's helpful to jump to a conclusion that it's a deliberate and malicious ploy to undermine her, when there does not appear to be any suggestion that's the case.

He was the first man to accept me as I am and compliment me so I suppose it hurts when he finds others attractive.

He finds other people attractive AND he still wants to be with you most. He's with you not because he doesn't fancy anyone else but because he likes you best of everyone he's met. Not because he's repulsed by you.

I had an abusive relationship like this once. He's identified this as a weak spot for you and is exploiting your insecurities to hurt you. It's very frustrating and feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you which is why you're crying.

I’m sorry but even now and again is not normal

You need to work on your own self esteem and not rely on someone else to give this to you- even your partner. I really do think therapy could help you.

(Seperately though, your OP needs to shut up!)

How do I deal with it?

Laugh, and realise they are no less fantasy than mine are.

It is human nature to find people attractive. I don’t think it’s a big issue at all. I would have an issue if my DH was seeking out social media accounts or something like that of people he was attracted to solely for the purpose of ogling. That’s disrespectful. But a passing “oh yes please” sort of comment, to me, is simply passing and I do the same thing!

We don’t feel insecure about how we look compared to celebs for a few reasons.

One is simply rational - neither of us are paid to look good, or have the time and funds to invest in looking good, in the way celebrities do. Achievability of “beauty” endorsed by Celebrity culture is the ultimate con and we all know very well it’s a pile of old rubbish.

The most important reason, in my view, is that we aren’t together for our looks. We love each other for our minds and hearts. We are best friends. I am not the most beautiful woman my DH will ever meet, but I don’t care because my DH isn’t shallow enough to be with me because I’m hot. I am the “whole package” in a way no one else ever will be. The same goes for how I feel about my DH. I might find someone more physically attractive… but that means literally absolutely nothing to me. You might be hot on the outside but you couldn't hold a candle to my DH overall. There’s just no comparison.

It’s like wrapping paper, it may be very pretty but ultimately gets thrown away and the question remains, “what is the gift like?” Real, long lasting attraction is about being attracted to someone as a person rather than as a purely physical entity. It has to be that way or we would all end up alone - We all will get old and grey at some point!

I mean this kindly, OP - it sounds like therapy would be beneficial to work through your insecurities. You are worth investing in to make sure you live your best possible life and don’t have to sit and cry because of something that makes you feel so sad.

My husband has never once voiced any interest or admiration in celebrities.

a) he is utterly clueless about "selebs", wouldn't know one if they walked past him in the street.

b) he knows what side his bread is buttered on and doesn't spend time making me feel an inch tall for the fun of it.

maybe start gawking at David Gandy or whoever, see how he likes it.

Have you never fancied a celebrity?? If so, do you just cease to fancy them when in a relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about Harry Styles every minute of the day, but I see a pic of him I definitely think YES PLEASE. Has nothing to do with how I feel about my DP. And certainly doesn’t mean we’re not exclusive! Being exclusive means you don’t have a relationship with anyone else, not that you cease to have eyes.

OP, agree with others that a respectful partner wouldn’t keep going on about it, especially if they know it upsets you. Tell him to stop, and mean it.

As for how to stop feeling insecure… have you had any therapy for your self esteem? Comparing yourself to others is not healthy and is never going to make you feel good, you could probably do with addressing the root cause. I suffer with low self esteem myself (although I don’t compare myself to celebs) and therapy has really helped me work through that.

I wouldn't expect any partner of mine to even say it once.

How does this come up in conversation?

I’m struggling with imagining how you’d end up telling your wife; who you know is insecure and would find this upsetting, that you’re fantasising about a doctor and she’s got a really sexy voice, without being an absolute prick.

...and so am I

But I don't care because I haven't got an asshole of a partner who has the effrontery to point out how attractive he finds other people.

I don't care if he does. He's not blind, but he cares enough about me not to wilfully offend.

I really hope your asshole of a partner doesnt also do that thing where he says: "I" find you attractive (with the unspoken 'but others wouldn't")

This. So what if you're conventionally ugly, he's attracted enough to you to marry you.looks are unimportant, who you are is what counts.

My husband does do this. He’s my 3rd and the other two didn’t either. I also lived with another guy for a while and he didn’t either (you’ll have gathered I’m not young). Your problem here isn’t your insecurities (although you may find therapy helpful for addressing those), on this, your problem is your husband saying these things.

This is such a ridiculous thing to get upset over. And any woman who says they dont recognise another man especially a celeb is good looking is lying. Celebrities are unattainable so its not like hes obsessing over a local woman! Its a you issue.

I would never do this and never tolerate it.

In nearly 25 years I have no idea who my dh has a crush on . It's not normal or nice of him to say these things . Not even if he just says them once in a while.
Do you do the same about people you have a crush on ? If no then maybe you should start

He does need to stop talking about it. The OP also needs to work on her self-esteem. Both of these things can be true at once.

It’s completely fine and normal for both men and women to find celebrities attractive. And for plenty of couples it’s perfectly fine to discuss this - my DP and I don’t mind hearing about it from one another.

It’s not fine, however, if it reduces one partner to tears. Presumably your husband doesn’t know you’re upset by this? In which case, tell him that it makes you feel shit and could he please keep it to himself.

I’m amazed at how many people here are insisting it’s somehow outlandish or unusual for adults to have celebrities they find attractive. If this were the case, incredibly good-looking actors would not be the box office gold that they are and luxury products would not be advertised exclusively by hot people. It is normal human behaviour to be physically attracted to looks, personality and general charisma.

It isn’t weird or unusual that your husband fancies a celebrity now and again. It’s simply that if it upsets you, you need to tell him to keep it private.

It sounds as if you do have some quite serious self-esteem issues, so you might want to seek help for that.

I think it depends on the relationship and the person. I used to be like this with a previous partner, but I'm not with my current. Either way if she doesn't like it, then he shouldn't do it. I also agree that OP does appear to have quite serious self esteem issues if it results in tears, but that's why I wonder if there's more to it. If he makes her feel like shit in general then it's not surprising she's getting very upset

Because he knows I would rip his head off! Seriously, just take the p out of him if and when he mentions it.
If it upsets you tell him to shut the f up, if he continues telling him again and keep telling him. If he still continues he obviously has no respect for your feelings.
As for the posters on here saying you need to work on your self esteem, no! He needs to work on not being such an inconsiderate idiot. This is his problem not yours.

This! I can't believe all of the knitsly responses saying their partner would never comment, surely its normal to point out the attractiveness of celebrities now and again, me and DH do.

I agree also that you should tell him how it makes you feel ans aak him to stop. Therapy definitely like a beneficial idea