To ask how you deal with your partner’s crushes?

Aside from your husband being a dick, you need help, OP. Have you considered counselling?

Okay, so he starts showing you content, and you work out that if he's showing you a lot from Person A, that's his current crush, and that makes you feel less than?

To a certain extent, that's a self-esteem issue - and that's reinforced by you saying he was the first man to ever compliment you. It sounds like all of your self worth is built on him, and you struggle when he compliments someone else, because you're so reliant on him, and it feels that him complimenting someone else takes something away from you? I'm really sorry that you feel so low. Have you talked to anyone about this? Do you have any plans for building confidence away from him? It's a precarious place to be, and you don't deserve to be miserable for ages.

Where did the comments on a sexy voice, and her being beautiful, come from, though? I can understand him saying she's really clever. It's difficult because it's not out-of-this-world unbelievable for me to say to DH, "Oh I love this guys' voice", or "He's fascinating to talk to because he knows so much", especially professionally, although I can't imagine commentating on someone's online videos. But equally; I know that DH would be totally unbothered. If I felt he was sensitive to it, I'd make really sure that I didn't, so I didn't worsen that feeling.

I can also see that perhaps he feels he should be able to say those things, and it not cripple your self-esteem, but surely he'd then talk to you about working on that rather than just force ahead with comments you don't want to hear that are hurting you. Has he done that?

Your H does not have your best interests at heart, he is quite fine reducing you to tears, in fact it sounds like he has a mean, controlling streak that gets some inane pleasure out of making you upset.

do you really want to invest any more time in this relationship?

You are suffering with low self esteem, he either doesn't know, or doesn't care, it really doesn't matter whether he mentions other women often or occasionally, it still causes you emotional pain. He shouldn't be ok with that. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel.

As a thought exercise, maybe try looking at some objectively hot men who are Hollywood A listers and ask yourself if you like your partner any the less because you know they exist?

Also, what about hot people in real life who are absolute weirdos. The classic one is Tom Cruise, with his scientology shit. Andrew Tate isn’t bad looking, if you’re into his sort of look, physically speaking. Or Young Prince Andrew was rather dashing in his 20s and 30s.

For most people a bad personality is a turn-off, I know my ‘euch’ reaction to JD Vance or Trump Junior has more to do with my perception of their characters than their looks. Meanwhile my liking for Greg Davies (a popular mumsnet crush) also has more to do with my perception of his character than his looks! If he was a mean selfish politician then my feelings about him would be a different kettle of fish entirely.

This seems really extreme - have you talked to him directly about your insecurities?

The woman you're talking about looks on the good looking side of average to me. I think you've wrapped this up in your head to be something it's not. Just because he fancies her doesn't mean he can't fancy you, that's not really how it works.

Im so sorry you feel like this. I expect my husband does admire other women but he doesn’t say so to me and I’ve never asked him. It sounds like he’s being thoughtless - is he ever thoughtless in other ways?

Your question implies it’s normal for men to have ‘crushes’. It isn’t.

Dear lord, do you think that the only reason to feel good about yourself is your looks?

Nobody has their looks forever, how do you think anybody over the age of around 50 gets through the day?

I’m pretty physically unattractive, I know it, and I genuinely don’t care. Why? Because I can’t change it, it doesn’t really matter, and life’s too short to feel miserable about things we can’t change that don’t matter.

I am a nice person. A good person. At least I think I am. Those people who enjoy my company like me because of my personality, not my looks, and I’m okay with that. In fact I’d rather that than the other way around.

You put far too much importance on beauty and attractiveness OP if your whole self esteem hinges on it, maybe because of your past. Agree with PP you would definitely benefit from talking through this with a counsellor.

Oh, don’t be so silly. Millions of women have a crush on (eg) Cillian Murphy but it doesn’t mean Oppenheimer was ‘soft porn’ to them FFS. Grow up. Lots of women adore Colin Farrell but I doubt they were having a wank through The Banshees Of Inisherin. To Kill A Mockingbird doesn’t become a less engaging or important story because the film stars Gregory Peck. It is perfectly possible to be an excellent actor AND good-looking and it is perfectly possible to appreciate good storytelling and filmmaking while also finding the lead actor attractive.

Finding certain human beings attractive - whether it’s for their looks, their personality, their behaviour or anything else - isn’t some kind of intellectual failure, you know.

He sounds like an insensitive arse. Why do you put up with it?

If he was going on about a neighbour , someone at work, my relative then I have an issue. If he mentions that Cameron Diaz or something is attractive then good luck to him - she isn’t looking his way!

Absolutely!!

I'm curious about this post. Are you married? Single? I can't help but feel you'd be pretty hard pushed to find someone who thinks that you are the only attractive person in the world regardless of how much they love you.

@Marylou2 Ruud Van Nistelrooy, by any chance?

I have no idea who DHs celebrity crush is but he always points out mine, a former footballer now a manager. Just good natured teasing particularly as the team were relegated yesterday. I mentioned how handsome this guy was once 25 years ago!!!

If he's doing something that you've expressed you find hurtful/disrespectful and he continues to do it then he's an arsehole. Don't because he fancies someone but because he continues to tell you about it when you've told him it hurts your feelings.

I'd be passed off if someone told be my upset is silly. You are allowed to feel how you feel. He doesn't get to invalidate those feelings because he doesn't understand them.

Personally, it wouldn't bother me. He's in a relationship. He's not dead from the waist down. However, you've told him that it does bother you. If he loves you he'll stop. If he's not stopping you need to ask yourself why. Does he like seeing you upset/ insecure? What's he getting out of it?

My husband won't admit to any celebrity crushes. I've tried to wheedle it out of him but he won't play ball. I think the closest I got was 'Angela Scanlon looks like she takes care of herself'. Your DP is not very nice.

This is quite funny, actually. Some of us prefer films with more normal-looking actors in them and we value the films for the stories, acting, depths of insights and artistic skill, rather than as soft porn shows!

When I'm deeply in love with somekne, I certainly don't have eyes for or thoughts about anyone else, and I wouldn't want a relationship where my partner was not as deeply in love with me, so no, it certainly isn't how relationships have to work. However, everyone's different and some people fancy more than one person and are fine if their partners do too.

You can choose what matters to you in a relationship, or can if you feel confident enough. It sounds like your low self-confidence is one problem, but a relationship with someone who isn't considerate of that is also ptoblematic.

OP I strongly urge you to get some professional help, the way you talk about yourself is very sad and not normal.

Your DH fancying someone else is nothing to do with how attractive he does or doesn’t find you, nor does it “prove” anything about your attractiveness.

Beauty is subjective, just because you don’t believe yourself attractive he obviously does or he wouldn’t have married you. But this is what low self esteem does, it convinces you that people are lying or that they don’t actually think of you positively for some reason- it’s very easy for brains to do mental gymnastics to find “evidence” for the bad thoughts and to ignore all the positive evidence to the contrary.

As I mentioned before, I fancy Harry Styles. My DP does not look like Harry Styles, but I still fancy him. I am bisexual, so I also fancy Kylie Minogue, who looks nothing like my DP or Harry Styles. People can fancy different types of people!

This is silly. Of course he can fancy you and fancy her! Attraction is complex and based on more than physical perfection. I fancy a young Marlon Brando and also my DH - who couldn't be more different to a young Marlon Brando!
You're not understanding how people can be
attracted to all sorts of people. You need to work on your self esteem. I'm a 50 year old woman who looks nothing like beautiful actresses and celebrities but I don't feel bad about myself. I know DH is attracted to me and it's not because I'm some great beauty. Its because of who I am, because he likes spending time with me and because of what we have together.