To ask how you deal with your partner’s crushes?

Considering you have gone out of your way to let OP know how beautiful you think this woman is, I am wondering if you want the OP to feel worse than she already does. Or maybe you are just naturally insensitive.

I also don’t think “do it back to him” is the gotcha that a lot of people think. It might work, but ime it would only work if he was doing it on purpose to make you insecure. A lot of people are ok with this kind of talk and he genuinely wouldn’t mind you fancying celebrities. We can see from the thread it’s quite split in how acceptable it is in relationships. I think it’s completely ok to tell him to stop if it bothers you, but I wouldn’t agree that for all couples it’s a really disrespectful thing to do or that he’d hate it if you did the same.

If he has a crush on someone, it doesn’t mean they are better or more attractive than you. It just means he finds them attractive AS WELL as you.

The woman in question? All of her partners will have found other people attractive too.

I agree about therapy being a good idea.

I think the word “crush” also throws things off a bit. To me a crush is like a teenage, butterflies in your stomach, thinking of them all the time and getting giggly. I don’t have anything like that about celebrities and I don’t think DH does either, although I know he finds lots and lots of them attractive and enjoys watching them and presumably thinks about them in a sexual way in passing. But I do think it’s really in passing and not something that takes up a lot of his headspace. Which is another reason I think it’s more ok to have crushes on celebrities - it’s not just that it’s unattainable but it’s the fact you don’t actually know or spend time with them so you’re not thinking about them all that frequently. If DH has a crush on Jane from work it feels more like the teenage giddy can’t stop smiling type of crush where she would be on his mind all day just because she’s present.

I don’t think you answered whether you have crushes OP but i would think about that. There’s an actor from a show and I just think he’s so attractive. When insecure, I try and remember that feeling and consider the way I think about my DH alongside that. It doesn’t make me love or like or fancy DH any less at all and really genuinely even if the actor man jumped out of the TV I wouldn’t choose him over DH. I really believe that, while my DH definitely fancies Stacey Solomon, even if she somehow turned up and knocked on the door and confessed her love for him he’d stick with me.

Being attracted to your partner is important but it’s only a small part of choosing to be with them and I don’t think there’s any level of attractiveness alone that could tip the scale when you love someone.

I mean, Stacey Solomon also seems to really have a good personality so perhaps if she moved in next door and befriended him and also confessed her love then I’d have to worry. But as a stranger he doesn’t know, based off attraction alone? He loves me and I’m positive he’d say thanks but no thanks.

He must know you're in therapy and that you are very insecure about your appearance. He's either got a cruel streak or he's an immature idiot.

Tell him to stop doing it and also to stop minimising your feelings. And please stick with the therapy, you need urgent help with the self-harming if nothing else x

I think having crushes can be harmless, but in this particular case, as he’s a) doing it fairly frequently by the sounds of what you’ve written here (?) and b) continuing to do it when you’ve communicated how it upsets you, he’s being horrid. You have two options: tell him once and for all to pack it in now, or start doing it yourself and see how he likes it! I wouldn’t let him see you too upset about it, though. Wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction! Hold your head up high.

To clarify when I saw the title alone I thought it would be about teenage crushes. After reading the first post I agree the woman is drop dead gorgeous.

When I saw this thread I thought it would be about a partner mentioning a childhood or teenage crush

It's also perfectly normal not to be attracted to other people or have crushes on them, so my point is that if that's how OP feels (i.e. she doesn't fancy other people when she's in love with someone) it's fine and possible for her to find someone who is similarly wired when in love.

Others here have been suggesting she needs to cope with a relationship that's imbalanced in that way.

Of course, her self-confidence and her DH's insensitivity are also problems.

Tell him if he wants to have childish crushes, that's his perogative, but to just STFU.

I’m mindful that the OP could interpret the posts that give the view that their DP/DH doesn’t find anyone outside of their relationship attractive, as reinforcement of her poor opinion of herself. The posts that state that they’ve never had a partner pass comment on anyone else, could inadvertently bolster the OPs low self esteem.

Her DH has expressed he finds another woman attractive ergo she must be less appealing to her husband than other posters are to their spouses.

Hopefully, counselling will help move the focus away from what the DH has expressed and focus on OPs own self perception. Whether DH is acting like a prick or not is secondary to OP acknowledging her own worth. The self harm aspect is really worrisome, theres more to address than insensitive DH commenting on other women.

Do you ever fancy anyone OP? Would fancying George Clooney mean your husband is ugly?

I don't have this issue. I really don't mind if my husband finds other women attractive because it isn't a me or her situation, same as if I find someone else attractive.

However, if you don't want to hear about it, why is he telling you all these details rather than just leaving it in his own head?

I don't deal with it because I told my DH how I felt, he respected that and stopped sharing his thoughts on other women.

Have you disclosed the self harm to your counsellor? You should also explain to your partner why he can’t/shouldn’t make those comments in front of you. It obviously upsets you more than the average person.

Am I the only person who thinks it never did come up in conversation and this is an advertisement for the wannabe influencer referenced in the OP?

I've been in a good marriage for over 30 years, and don't recognise what you say.

It's perfectly normal to be sexually attracted to someone outside your marriage. The point of the marriage is that you don't act on it because you work at the lasting and strong emotional bond you have within the marriage. As a result, I have no problem with crushes.

Two provisos: there's obviously a big difference between a celebrity crush and a crush on someone you know and interact with. I have had plenty of crushes on "real people" during my marriage but I am careful to recognise them for what they are.

Secondly, neither of us in our marriage vocalise our crushes. I don't think it's very respectful. But what goes on in your own head is your own business.

Wait… “you scratched your ugly face”. @RubyTuesday10 aside from partner being gauche about how rude his behaviour is - your actions and reaction to it all is worrying.

Maybe he can change and redeem himself if spoken to earnestly. But you have things that need rather urgent attention and help.

I would say you need to do a lot of work on yourself before being in a committed relationship if this is how you feel and cope with things.

As it happened myself and my partner both have silly crushes or famous people we find attractive that we will never meet, marry or interact with.

we don’t go lusting after them or make running commentary on them though.

I know my partner really likes an Italian actress popular in the 80s/90s. And I see why - she’s attractive. Nothing like me or his previous partners. But he’s with me so it doesn’t bother me.

I like James Hoffman. He’s quirky. Not conventionally attractive maybe. But I find him funny, and the geek side - I like. My partner knows and we have a loath about it but also enjoy his Barista/coffee videos.

I also like Greg Davies from Taskmaster etc. no idea why. Makes me laugh mainly. Tall? Who knows.

I tend to find the unconventional ones interesting. Not sure I’d call it a crush though.

Neither myself or my partner sit here when watching them with a running commentary on how sexy they are. But I can also accept that other people are attractive and we both notice it. I will occasionally see women and think how attractive they look and give them a compliment on their outfit or something. Doesn’t mean I want to run off with them (I’m straight).

Do you never notice that people of either sex are attractive? Do you think it makes you a bad or unfaithful person if you see someone in real life or on screen and find them attractive?

So no - he isn’t behaving well with his crushes or commentary.

But you aren’t communicating well with him/together or in a mentally healthy place yourself given your reaction to this.

Running away to the bathroom to cry, berate yourself and scratch your face says you need someone professional to help you love yourself more as you are worth a happy confident life. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

I'm in a long term relationship.
I certainly don't fancy other man if I'm deeply in love and I'd want my relationships to be mutual in that regard, not imbalanced.

Obviously there's a difference between seeing that someone has good-looking features and actually feeling sexual attraction towards them. The former is normal, the latter I wouldn't think is so much if you're in love, because when you're in love (well, in my experience, anyway, no doubt it varies) your body and mind are focused on the person you're in love with and you have a deep physical and emotional connection.

A crush is even more extreme and I'd assume there are issues in the relationship if one partner is feeling intense emotions and fantasising about someone else.

First post nails it

You have a DH problem, this isn't something YOU have to deal with. He's a prick.

1. He's cruel and abusive if he knows this hurts you as it does, and you should leave.

1. if he doesn't know, then you tell him it does, and if he still does it - see point 1.