Husbands phone on silent

On a flight. On a hike up a mountain. Somewhere with dodgy signal (or no signal). Playing sport. Doing a job where you can't break off what you're doing. In a crowded bar or at a party or other social event where you might not be able to hear your phone or have a conversation and where it would be rude to keep checking it. Having a nap.

I consider myself unavailable for phone calls for the majority of my day tbh. Which is why I have it on silent and don't check it. Other people can be as unimpressed as they like - I consider the expectation that anyone is available when you snap your fingers to be even less impressive.

Me 🙋‍♀️. I couldn’t tell you what my phone sounds like. It’s always silenced. I however always have my watch on so I never miss important messages or calls. I just dislike the sounds of phones ringing.

Well pre 2010 people also had landlines that they weren’t afraid to answer.

This reminds me of my PIL who used to carry a mobile phone but was switched off unless they wanted to make a call ( because it was just for emergencies). They only imagined the emergency at their end they didn’t imagine that other people might have an emergency and need to speak to them urgently. When MIL was dying we had a phone call to say that we needed to get to the hospital immediately- imagine missing that because you don’t like the noise of a phone? Imagine missing the call that there had been an accident and a relative was in hospital?

If he gets a smartwatch then it vibrates when you get a call/text. My phone is always on silent but I know when someone is ringing. is this is option?

Get him a smartwatch. My phone is permanently on silent and a nightmare when I drop it down the sofa and not wearing my smartwatch, but usually it taps me on the wrist when there’s a message / call. Birthday present idea?

I agree, things were different in the past but the world we live in today, for better or worse, has the technology of the present and it has come to be expected in certain circumstances, such as the ones I've outlined above, to be reachable. As I said, I imagine anyone taking care of my kids would take a dim view of not being able to contact me in an emergency simply because I prefer to have my phone on silent. As the OP said, it isn't a case of her DH being in a meeting, it's a 24/7 thing. To answer your question, there is world outside London and I don't use the tube. My job doesn't involve meetings so I can't answer that one, and unless you define "otherwise unavailable" I couldn't say.

Well, pre 2010, people had office numbers and you also had the number for the main switchboard and if something urgent happened you rang and explained and then someone went got the person in question out of the meeting.

Yes, being in the tube still exists but that hasn't and doesn't apply to the majority of people's days - unless they're a tube driver, in which case I would expect you'd still have contact details for the work switchboard.

I think it's the disappearance of landlines combined with the fact that people still expect to be able to treat a mobile as they did when landlines were still a regular occurrence that causes the issues here.

Amazing that anyone was able to be a parent at all before, what was it, 2010 when smart phones really became the default?

What would have happened if you were in the Tube or in a meeting or otherwise unavailable?

If you have young children, would you refuse to give your number as an emergency contact for nursery/school?

OP's DH has a policy of never answering his phone by putting it on silent and never checking and phoning back. He has missed his small child being rushed to hospital but didn't seem to care. It seems to be a foolproof way of evading his responsibilities to his children.

It's his choice but it makes him a crap father.

I take it you don't have kids then? Because in response to your last sentence, parents should absolutely respond with immediacy. It's nice for you that you've only experienced one true emergency, and it was to your benefit that no one got hold you immediately, but I can't imagine it'd have gone down well with nursery when they rang an ambulance for my toddler, who was having a seizure, if they couldn't get hold of me because my phone was on silent for no good reason than I prefer it that way and emergencies are rare. It's an abdication of responsibility. If you don't have anyone dependent on you then fine, but having your phone on silent and only looking at it as an when you choose is a luxury a lot of people don't have.

Ok. So it's his basic communication style. Bluntly, and very unhelpfully, don't marry and have kids with him! (Sorry, but others need to know.) Moving on. Options.

Accept it, stop fighting it, for your own peace of mind. Carrying on working around. If you choose him, you choose this.

Talk to him seriously. Does he truly understand the effect on you? If he can't/won't change, then would him acknowledging that you are carrying all the load as contactable partner/parent help? What do you get in return?

Or leave.

I agree with pp, stop being a message service or conduit for others to reach him. Tell them bluntly No, and they should get onto him about being hard to reach. This is everyone's problem, until it's his problem, but it's not solely yours.

It's shitty, OP. I'm more of a phone-off person, but I can see how this would be exhausting and crazy-making for someone incompatible.

The issue of him not being contactable by you is one thing, I think I’d actually work on that second.

First, completely refuse to be his messenger. If anyone texts you trying to contact him either ignore completely or give them his number. Do this for everything except medical emergencies.

Make him feel the consequences, and miss out on things or upset others if he wants to. It’s not your problem.

Depending how that goes you can then move onto a discussion on how to communicate between yourselves.

You have said that if someone awful happened and you hadn't told him, he would be really hurt. That is really unreasonable of him if he refuses to answer/respond to calls and messages.

What if you were uncontactable for entirely valid reasons and nursery needed to contact him urgently but couldn't? How on earth can he not see that this is dreadful parenting on his part?

I would be really angry. Not about switching his phone to silent but about never checking and phoning back.

Is there a reason you need to contact him immediately at regular intervals?
Very young children with medical complications?
Unreliable childcare?
Or does he get irate with you when you're not immediately contactable?

If not, a phone is a tool not a summons.
We seemed to manage to stay in contact with the people we live with 20 years ago before phones, so I don't think it's fair to expect him to be at the beck and call of it when he doesn't need to.

What happens if it's urgent and the person you're trying to contact is asleep, or in the Tube, or on a flight?

No one is actually available 24/7 and nor should they be. Nothing is actually so urgent that it can't wait an hour or two (or even more).

If he's been like this for 15 years you kind of need to accept that this is how he is, this is how he chooses to manage his phone (and he's neither unusual nor unreasonable) and he's not going to change.

If there’s one thing I detest, it’s other people believing they have a right to police my phone use. It is for my convenience, not yours.

Mine is on silent all the time. That’s my choice. If I don’t want to be contactable, I won’t be.

My phone is always on silent. I get fed up of being constantly available so now I’m not. I do check it though

My phone is permanently on silent unless I’m on standby at work. Otherwise, silent always. Drives my husband nuts. Very occasionally I’ll be looking at something on my phone when he calls so obviously I see then. Otherwise it’s tough 😂.

What happens if it is urgent?