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Original poster

Husbands phone on silent

115 replies

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 20/04/2025 21:44

As the title says basically. His phone is always on silent. Every God damn day. Can never get hold of him and it pisses me off so much.

He just leaves it laying about on. In his pocket, on the settee, in the baby bag, on the fireplace always on silent. Nobody can get hold of him ever. They ring me or text me. He could be out in the garden for a few hours and dosent check when he comes back in.

It's not password protected and he leaves it in plain sight so there is no issue with trust etc it just pisses me off. I can ever get hold of him. He could be at work and just never comes back to me in a reasonable time in an emergency.

Can anyone relate

OP posts:
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Octopusespunchforfun · 22/04/2025 13:55

This is me. Honestly my phone is just a pocket internet search tool at this point.

HiRen · 22/04/2025 13:32

I think you need to talk to him about what having dependents actually means. He doesn't have the freedom to go about his day without a care in the world. He's got two young children now.

As for people coming to you to get to him, or you going to others to get to him - honestly, I'd be beyond livid and it wouldn't happen more than twice with me. I'm nobody's secretary, nobody's PA. He's a grown man, he has all the technology, who does he think he is unilaterally deciding that you (or his coworker!) can do it all for him?

I think this is more than a charming annoyance. It's actually breathtaking arrogant and irresponsible.

GymBergerac · 22/04/2025 13:22

I don't think I've had the sound on my phone in the three years I've had it. I leave it where I know where it is, and will give it a cursory glance from time to time but that's about it. No need to be 100% contactable all the time, you have to be able to switch off!

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/04/2025 13:22

@Couldntthinkofausername24
Our 1 year old was rushed to the hospital with complications from pneumonia and I rang my friend as she works with him and I knew she would answer. He was mortified and promised he would make more of an effort.

Obviously not actually mortified - I'd be raging.

UnPetitCochon · 22/04/2025 13:18

Get a landline. And put a phone in every room. At least you will be able to get hold of him when he’s at home.

Original poster
Couldntthinkofausername24 · 22/04/2025 12:11

Boredforlife · 22/04/2025 07:56

That’s different to what the Op’s husband is doing.
Of course some things are urgent enough that it can’t wait an hour or two…what a strange comment. You’re wrong.

Show quote history

Thank you.

I appreciate everyone can't be available every second of every day but when you have small children I expect there to be a bit more responsibility

OP posts:
Original poster
Couldntthinkofausername24 · 22/04/2025 12:09

pumpkinpip007 · 22/04/2025 00:28

I agree, OP. I think he could check the phone a couple of times a day. Can you possible change the setting for him (to vibrate or a ringtone), and see if that works?

Thank you. It probably won't help as it's never on him. Normally somewhere about the house.

I am however going to sit him down to chat to him about it and how it makes me feel. Normally I just shout and kick off about it

OP posts:
Boredforlife · 22/04/2025 07:56

gannett · 21/04/2025 09:03

What happens if it's urgent and the person you're trying to contact is asleep, or in the Tube, or on a flight?

No one is actually available 24/7 and nor should they be. Nothing is actually so urgent that it can't wait an hour or two (or even more).

Show quote history

That’s different to what the Op’s husband is doing.
Of course some things are urgent enough that it can’t wait an hour or two…what a strange comment. You’re wrong.

pumpkinpip007 · 22/04/2025 00:28

I agree, OP. I think he could check the phone a couple of times a day. Can you possible change the setting for him (to vibrate or a ringtone), and see if that works?

notatinydancer · 22/04/2025 00:24

Mines on silent but vibrate.
I can feel it in my bag or pocket.
Next to me it buzzes.
Surely most people can’t have phones on at work?

myladybelle · 21/04/2025 21:26

He needs to miss a couple fun things because he was unreachable and then he might change.

comedycentral · 21/04/2025 21:18

Sunsweetsandandicecream · 20/04/2025 23:12

I was born in the 80s too, but never knew anybody without a landline. You used to need a home landline number for most services.

Edited
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We just didn't have one, we had a phone box on the road and one near the shops - Mum had debts though, so maybe a previous unpaid bill?

MrsSlocombesCat · 21/04/2025 12:27

Being older I lived quite a while before mobile phones were a thing. They're for convenience not for keeping you attached to everyone. When my son was little he needed to go to hospital and I had to go to the phone box to phone my husbands workplace landline. If he had been working outside or away from the workplace someone would have driven to get him. We all used to manage just fine, I hate this notion that we're all immediately contactable by anyone. They're great if for example you break down (I still remember breaking down and walking to the nearest house I could find to ask to use their phone) or if you're lost but we're too used to expecting everything to be immediate. As for couples sharing locations - the thought gives me the creeps.

Moier · 21/04/2025 11:56

Whatever did we do before mobile phones?
When l was married .. there wasn't any.
We used the landlines.. or just waited until we saw the person.
If emergency l would ring him at work..
But that was very rare.

SideshowBobster · 21/04/2025 11:55

gannett · 21/04/2025 11:07

On a flight. On a hike up a mountain. Somewhere with dodgy signal (or no signal). Playing sport. Doing a job where you can't break off what you're doing. In a crowded bar or at a party or other social event where you might not be able to hear your phone or have a conversation and where it would be rude to keep checking it. Having a nap.

I consider myself unavailable for phone calls for the majority of my day tbh. Which is why I have it on silent and don't check it. Other people can be as unimpressed as they like - I consider the expectation that anyone is available when you snap your fingers to be even less impressive.

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Well I imagine if I turned up to nursery hours after my son's seizure and told them they had no right to be able to contact me immediately in such an emergency, my phone is for my convenience and not theirs, they'd be giving me notice fairly swiftly. And would probably, rightly, have a pretty low opinion of my parenting. So I will carry on being a contactable, responsible parent. I do agree too many people are far too glued to their phones, but on the other hand the situation the OP is describing isnt really fair either. My point, is if you have kids, or other dependents you can't (well, you can, but I don't think you should) not be available if you're needed. It should be a balance, people should be able to put their phones away, but equally, it can be irresponsible in some circumstances and a bit selfish to decide your can only be contacted on your own terms. Obviously if I was up a mountain or deep sea diving or whatever, I'd have probably mentioned it at drop off and made alternative arrangements for someone to be contacted for my kids in case if an emergency. The likelihood of me doing any of those things (at all) without a word to anyone would be slim to none.

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 11:49

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 11:05

Exactly this. I said further up that I'd like something semi serious to happen and when he asks when I didn't contact him I would explain why. He would be so hurt. I don't want to hurt him. He's such a wonderful person and like all of us we have our flaws but this is really frustrating.

Our 1 year old was rushed to the hospital with complications from pneumonia and I rang my friend as she works with him and I knew she would answer. He was mortified and promised he would make more of an effort.

Show quote history

He was mortified and promised he would make more of an effort.

So, why hasn’t he?

Laserwho · 21/04/2025 11:46

When my teens aren't at home I have my phone turned on and with me all the time ago n case they need me. When they are at home with me I don't know where my phone is half the time.

Sahara123 · 21/04/2025 11:39

AnonKat · 20/04/2025 21:51

Mine is always on silent unless I'm expecting a call like my GP. I hate phone noise!

Me too ! I hate the constant pinging and buzzing. If he’s in the house can’t you just go and talk to him? If my husband is at work I wouldn’t contact him anyway , unless it was a proper emergency.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2025 11:38

Take it off silent.

TheMimsy · 21/04/2025 11:36

@Couldntthinkofausername24 i agree with @Ohnobackagain - stop being his message PA.

Would the inconvenience of his own family and friends not being able to contact him possibly make him step up?

By accepting the role of phone PA you make it easier for him to not need his phone.

give his family and friends his work number and email address. They can contact him that way.

Treat this like you would a child - they have to learn the consequences of their actions.

And ask him to put the watch in rather than waste the money it cost to get it.

Ohnobackagain · 21/04/2025 11:27

@Couldntthinkofausername24 definitely would push back on passing on texts and messages to him, you’re not his answering service!

Original poster
Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 11:18

gannett · 21/04/2025 11:07

On a flight. On a hike up a mountain. Somewhere with dodgy signal (or no signal). Playing sport. Doing a job where you can't break off what you're doing. In a crowded bar or at a party or other social event where you might not be able to hear your phone or have a conversation and where it would be rude to keep checking it. Having a nap.

I consider myself unavailable for phone calls for the majority of my day tbh. Which is why I have it on silent and don't check it. Other people can be as unimpressed as they like - I consider the expectation that anyone is available when you snap your fingers to be even less impressive.

Show quote history

Yes I appreciate this totally. I would know when he's on a hike or on a plane. I'm talking day to day annoyance.

I don't expect him to be sat with his phone in his hand waiting for my call but what I do expect is to find the time throughout his day to check sporadically.

It's quite obvious he's not a phone person and not a social media person and that's fine, I wish I was similar but no contact throughout the day or at least returning any calls at any point personally I find a bit poor.

We have small children, family trying to reach him.

OP posts:
ClaredeBear · 21/04/2025 11:11

It’s the other way around with us as my phone is always on silent but recently I changed settings so that if certain people phone me, the phone will audibly ring.

gannett · 21/04/2025 11:10

Divebar2021 · 21/04/2025 10:25

Well pre 2010 people also had landlines that they weren’t afraid to answer.

This reminds me of my PIL who used to carry a mobile phone but was switched off unless they wanted to make a call ( because it was just for emergencies). They only imagined the emergency at their end they didn’t imagine that other people might have an emergency and need to speak to them urgently. When MIL was dying we had a phone call to say that we needed to get to the hospital immediately- imagine missing that because you don’t like the noise of a phone? Imagine missing the call that there had been an accident and a relative was in hospital?

I've missed that call. I got it an hour later and everything was fine (as fine as it could be with DP in hospital but you know what I mean).

How many of those calls do you even get in one lifetime anyway? I don't go through life expecting genuinely urgent emergencies at any stage.

Itiswhysofew · 21/04/2025 11:10

I don't even know where my mobile is at the moment.